to expect more from DB?

[daffsntulips]

here is the scenario....

DM has dementia
DF is struggling to cope

I live 2 and a half hours away from them with DH, and 2 DCs - aged 14 and 11

DB lives 30 minutes from them with his DW and two DC - aged 13 and 10.

My parents come here for the weekend ( Fri-Mon usually)about every 4-5 weeks.

My brother usually sees them about once every 3-4 weeks for a couple of hours, usually between meals. Maybe 2-3 to times a yaer they get invited for a meal.

Am I wrong to expect DB to support them a little more???

Honest opinions please.

Ta

anyone?

Absolutely hat to say this but you usually find when it comes to caring for children and parents, it is usually left to the woman. Sorry.

Hmm. As the sibling who lives closest to our increasingly eccentric parents, I sometimes feel an unfair burden is placed on my shoulders.

What exactly do you want you DB to do? And why are the children's ages relevant? Do you expect him to have more time on his hands than you? He lives an hour's round trip away. Presumably he has a job and a life?

I think, unless you have some more compelling argument, YABU.

YANBU but same here.

Dad dies a little while ago, both brothers' lives have pretty much carried on as usual, DH, Ds and I are doing all of the helping mum, having her to dinner, overnight, DIY at her house. She has to make arrangements in quite some time in advance to see brothers and their wives/children who do pretty much nothing to help. The most galling thing is how grateful she is when either of them as much as lift a finger to help.

I, like you would love a bit more support but I've all but given up.

The fairest thing to do would be to sit down with DB and talk about what each of you should do...equally.

After having arranged a visit, ooooh, 3 months later when he can make some time available. Seriously.

i think it is very difficult, i do see your point. He should do more I agree with lastresort you need to talk to db.
Can you get help for them?

YANBU to expect more, but if he isn't up for it, there isn't much you can do. Have you talked to him about it?

PS Neverargue, I know it's hard, but isn't it only fair that the sibling who lives nearest does the most? (I say this as someone who lives in walking distance of my parents, with my sister at the other end of the country, but the shoe is on the other foot for my OH's mother, who is cared for by his siblings.)

I agree with Lastresort, you have to do this between both of you [says she who rants on here often enough about being a main carer].
What can you do to help day to day, home help, meals on wheels, trips to a day centre [socialisation is really important now so if things get worse they are used to going to a centre where your Mum may get help with personal care]. Day centres are also good for day trips in the summer etc. Get the newspaper ordered /delivered the same with the shopping.
Can some one come sit with your Mum [a home help carer] and give your Dad time for a hobby/walk/rest.
Speak to the DN or GP if your Dad will allow you [I often just ring them anyway and give my opinion] see what they are entitled to.
Contact the Alhzimhers [sp?] Society, they will give great practical advice.