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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Questions from niece/nephew

19 replies

LucyGoose · 17/01/2011 16:46

This weekend saw niece (6) and nephew (8) a few times. Their mum is strict catholic and they go to CCD a few times a week. DH and I are atheists, but try not to discuss religious issues in front of the kids since the parents could get cross, but this weekend the kids brought it up!

First nephew asked me why I don't go to church. I explained I am not catholic. Then he explained to me that if I don't go to church I won't get to heaven - okay...I explained that there are lots of religions in the world and people beleive in different gods and have different beliefs from the catholic ones. He also mentioned that people who have earrings in their nose are bad people, which i mentioned to my DB. Nephew said he forgot what he said when my brother asked him why he said this. Thought this was bad enough fine until I heard niece's discussion with DH.

First, she asked him why he smoked (not the first time she has asked him). Then why does he wear an earring b/c earrings are for girls . Shortly after that, I mentioned that he chews on plastic straws, and she loudly said "Uncle, you are disgusting! You chew on straws, smoke and wear a girls earring!" We were !! Are kids supposed to give their opinion like this? Meanwhile, the parents did nothing to stop them.

And the final straw was a comment I did not hear, but apparently niece kept asking DH about why he is not catholic and she spouted some clearly learned phrase "How dare your heart forsake my lord" I was shocked when he told me that she said this.

I have not spoken to my DB and SIL b/c my DH said to leave it. But were these things disrespectful or am I overreacting? I know kids listen in on parents conversations and this could be where they are getting this information from. When I was 6, I barely took notice of adults but it seems now, kids are treated like mini-adults.

My DH said that he is offended b/c he thinks that the kids are just repeating what the parents are saying, i.e. they don't respect him.

What say you?

OP posts:

peanutbutterkid · 17/01/2011 16:50

In one respect, I agree with your DH, tbh, the children didn't come up with those opinions on their own :(.

And you're saying the parents were present the whole time hearing all those things their children said, right?

I wouldn't bother to be offended by it. I think the situation would make me resolved to be the nicest possible role model for those kids -- they need to see for themselves that non-religious people can be decent human beings, too, and worthy of every respect (coz they sure aren't learning that at home, are they? :()

PrincessScrumpy · 17/01/2011 16:51

Kids embarrass us all the time. I tell dd it's very naughty to drop rubbish - she sees someone dropping rubbish and shouts "mummy, that man's really naughty!"

I will also tell dd smoking is naughty (all her gparents do this but dh and I hate it) so I think it's completely fair that a 6-year-old thinks this.

Kids speak their mind and don't get diplomacy. How to you tell a child off for saying smoking is naughty or disgusting? What would you expect her parents to say? It's always awkward when kids do this - don't be offended.

humanheart · 17/01/2011 16:53

don't see anything wrong with the "uncle you are disgusting..." comment. I also wouldn't confuse eg the views about earrings on men as views lifted from adults - imo that's exactly the kind of rigid gender laws that kids are famous for.

if they go to catholic school then they will be being indocrinated probably. but I don't think it's for you to put them straight re lots of people have different beliefs - it sounds like you were being a bit evangelistic there tbh.

tabulahrasa · 17/01/2011 16:55

kids ask questions

but I'd tell mine off for calling someone disgusting - saying smoking is disgusting is acceptable (I am a smoker btw) and in fact I'd encourage children to think it, but to call the person disgusting and list of reasons why is just rude and I'd tell them that

Cyclebump · 17/01/2011 16:57

Hmmm, I was brought up in an ultra-conservative and very religious household in a fairly unknown religion.

While I'm sure I did occasionally put my foot in it 'But you'll go to hell if you do that!', my parents were clear that while these were our beliefs they were not everyone's and we did not need to tell others of the error of their ways and to do so was in fact judgmental, in itself a sin.

The children are probably parroting what they've heard at home and don't know any better but perhaps their parents shouldn't be condoning their outbursts.

mincenmash · 17/01/2011 17:01

YANBU - I would feel the same.The family obviously feel strongly about their religion and they are picking things up from their parents.
And I don't agree that saying that people have lots of different beliefs is being evangelistic. It would only be evangelistic if she was preaching a specific religion?

SmethwickBelle · 17/01/2011 17:04

In response to "eww, you're disgusting!", I think my response would be "it's rude to make personal comments". 6 isn't 4, you'd hope to be past the "why do you smell" sort of outburst, which sounds like what it descended into.

Kids politely questioning why you do x or y is legitimate and you responding honestly is also legitimate. Being rude is not.

*hitches bosom/cats bum mouth etc.

monkeyflippers · 17/01/2011 17:07

The parents should have corrected the kids when they commented on his earring ("people chose to wear different things" etc) and should have told the kids that it's not nice to call anyone disgusting. That's just not polite and has nothing to do with the religious side.

Personally the "How dare your heart forsake my lord" is just creepy to me. If I were your DH I would have said (once I got over my shock) "well that's just it, he's your lord not mine. I don't believe in him or that he is real". That would have shut them up. I hope.

MadamDeathstare · 17/01/2011 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curlymama · 17/01/2011 17:20

I think they were rude, and you said the right thing.

And what monkeyflippers said

taintedpaint · 17/01/2011 17:24

My blood would've run cold if I heard "How dare your heart forsake my lord" come out of a six-year-old's mouth.

Parents sound quite nuts tbh, and I don't think that can be defended under the Catholic banner. One half of my family (paternal) is/was strict Catholic and there are ways to handle those beliefs at the same time as being respectful of those with difference beliefs. DB and SIL seem to be either blind to this, or extremely rude themselves, either would ensure that the kids follow suit.

Subtley pick up the kids on any comments they make in your presence in the future and hope that some of that sinks in. But don't go as far as confronting the parents (I wouldn't anyway) as you may end up pushing them away and isolating those poor kids even more.

eaglewings · 17/01/2011 17:32

My son is very direct on his comments but we now know part of that is because of AS. That does not mean I don't explain that you can't always be blunt.

There is a difference between smoking is disgusting (which to kids who hardly ever come across it, it is) and the person doing the smoking being disgusting (which they are not)

As for the not getting into Heaven, it depends on your understanding of Heaven. To me it is eternity with God. If you don't want to spend time on earth with him, maybe you don't want to spend eternity with him either. However Jesus invited the man on the cross next to him to be with Him in Heaven even though that man was not a believer until that point. I think God is less judgmental than us lot.

The earrings are less important, its a choice of clothing and decoration. I would be far more upset if my ds commented negatively about a facial disfigurement than how someone chooses to dress. That said I am very quick to explain that he can't be homophobic.

I would talk to the parents about how you feel and see if they understand.

Original poster

LucyGoose · 17/01/2011 18:34

Thanks for all your comments everyone.
And yes, my blood ran cold on hearing that frankly cult-like statement coming from a 6 yr old.

I had to call their mother (SIL) about an hr ago b/c this has been on my mind since Saturday.

She was shocked that her 6 yr old said that and has no idea where it came from. I suggested she speak to her CCD teacher and the other volunteers. These people are very strict catholics, and a phrase like that would not be out of place at the school in reference to non-believers.

As to the other things niece said, I was told that next time she says something like that, she needs to be told its rude and to apologize.

Previously, I was hesitant to reprimand her since her parents feel their way of raising the kids is the best way, and do not like interference of any kind. But we will see how it goes in the future....

OP posts:

webwiz · 17/01/2011 18:45

Actually LucyGoose a phrase like that would be out of place at a catholic school and I would find it a bit weird if one of my kids had come out with a comment like that.

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 17/01/2011 19:13

My XH and his family are fundamentalist christians - think the total opposite to Catholic lol

It is one of the main reasons we split tbh - my girls in particular were starting to spout crap that they had been fed by him and his family.

Women are worth less than men.

Women shouldn't wear make up, dye their hair, wear trousers.

And the classic women shouldn't have the vote but since they do they should ote how their husbands' tell them

charliesmommy · 17/01/2011 19:16

I would say they are very cheeky brats actually. :(

manicbmc · 17/01/2011 19:28

Religion aside - they were very bad mannered. I'd assume that their parents have no respect either to allow them to behave like that.

SkyBluePearl · 17/01/2011 19:29

Its great youve got you SIL support. Do tell kids they are being rude. if they don'tstop tellthemwhat a bad religion catholicisim is with all its perverted leaders.

BigHairyGruffalo · 17/01/2011 19:52

As far as the smoking thing goes, they are probably constantly told about the dangers of smoking and how it can kill you. I can see how smoking wouldn't fit in with the Catholic beliefs about the sanctity of life. Most people probably think that it is an individual's business if they choose to do that to themselves, but I can imagine that a 6 year-old would be less understanding.

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