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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my cm if she could work one different day in may?

25 replies

lagrace · 17/01/2011 11:32

me and dp work full time, cm has dc 2 days a week, i have a meeting in May, cm has no other mindees and i asked if she would be able to help me by swapping a day.Her reply, "i could but i don't want to" .
Just wondered if i was maybe asking too much?This is not a regular thing BTW, i have never asked this before.

OP posts:

JarethTheGoblinKing · 17/01/2011 11:35

Not unreasonable to ask, no. I think it's a perfectly reasonable request, there's loads of notice and it doesn't hurt to ask.

What about booking her in for an extra day, rather than swapping one?

Original poster

lagrace · 17/01/2011 11:39

Oh God no, its been made clear no extra days, i thought swapping would be ok maybe as she still gets paid for the day they are not there

OP posts:

curlymama · 17/01/2011 11:42

Do you mean youhave said you won't pay her for an extra day, or that she won't do an extra day?

YANBU to ask, but she is NBU to say no. She was however, a bit stupid to say no in that way, i would have made up an excuse so as not to seem so rude to the person that employs me.

pozzled · 17/01/2011 11:42

Not at all unreasonable to ask. But it's also fair enough for her to refuse, she may have set things that she does on the days that she doesn't work. Or she may worry that if she says yes this once you'll expect it again on other occasions (not saying you will, just that she might see it that way).

Earthymama · 17/01/2011 11:43

Does she have another job as well as minding your little one on two days?
The 'I don't want to' was very blunt!!

bamboostalks · 17/01/2011 11:43

She sounds very rude, what is your relationship like? I'm not sure I would want to leave my child with someone like that.

Takeresponsibility · 17/01/2011 11:45

Not unreasonable to ask, not unreasonable for her to refuse.

If she has other children to mind on the days she has your dc then she would end up working three days that week, it may be her choice to work two days a week and give her undivided attention to her dcs on the other days, she may have other commitments, it may affect her benefits. I'm afraid your child is your responsibility not hers so you will have to make other arrangements.

Original poster

lagrace · 17/01/2011 11:47

I have said i would pay her for the extra day, and she would still get full fee for the day they are not there.I absolutely agree its her right to refuse, guess i wasn't expecting that response in that way.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 17/01/2011 11:48

What takeresponsibility said.

Original poster

lagrace · 17/01/2011 11:53

take responsibility-as my original post stated she has no other mindees, of course my dc are my resposibility i am just surprised at that response.
If my employer asks me to do something i would never say 'i could but i don't want to' even if i didn't want i would say i wasn't able to as i wouldn't want to appear rude.

OP posts:

libelulle · 17/01/2011 11:55

She sounds about 12! How petty. It'd be acceptable, if inflexible, to refuse politely ('I'm really sorry but I have prior commitments on the other days' or whatever) but she sounds like she's revelling in being actively unhelpful as well as downright rude. If a childminder spoke to me like that I'd definitely be reconsidering the relaionship.

Kewcumber · 17/01/2011 11:56

Have to say I was alwyas happy if at all possible to accomodate CM when she asked me to pick up DSearly (if her DS had a football match for example) or to switch days if she had hosptial appt. And she would alwyas do the same for me (on the rare occasion that I asked her).

One of the things I liked about using a CM was the bigger than contractual roleshe had in DS's life and how we were able to be flexible with each other.

"I'm afraid your child is your responsibility not hers so you will have to make other arrangements" of course we are all responsible for our own children but in the same way I try to be accomodating with other people over work issues, my CM and I were always acomodating with each otehr. Surely it pays her to be flexible when she might want the favour returned one day.

Must admit I would have looked differntly at my CM if she replied this way - understand that she might not have been able to, but to be so dismissive would put me off.

NinkyNonker · 17/01/2011 11:56

What a funny response,for to say no but what funny wording!

cat64 · 17/01/2011 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

upahill · 17/01/2011 11:59

So does she mean she will do it but doesn't really want to.... like some of the chores I have to do at work that are not the best bit.

Or she could do it but isn't going to anyway.

Strange.

I think you need to go back and ask what she mmeant because she doesn't make sense.

Poledra · 17/01/2011 12:00

It's a bit of an odd way to speak to someone with whom you have a close working relationship. Fine if she can't/won't do it, but surely you would have phrased it differently

I'm with Kew, though - my CM and I try to work round each other, so I will change pick-up times to suit, or she'll cover an extra hour for me. I've even taken her DD (same age as DD3) for a morning when I wasn't working so she could take her older child to a hospital appointment. (No money changed hands for this, BTW)

kepler10b · 17/01/2011 12:03

yanbu

if my employer asked me to be flexible like this and i couldn't (or wouldn't) i would give them a more reasonable explanation than "i don't want to".

personally i don't think that reply demonstrates a very good attitude to you as her employer.

Original poster

lagrace · 17/01/2011 12:03

thing is she is great with them but can be very petty over small odd things that have upset me before.I feel she is very immature in her handling of situations, suppose i feel like im almost held to ransom as if she quit i would be in a very difficult situation.

OP posts:

vicki2010 · 17/01/2011 12:04

im a childminder and i quite often change days for parents and have their children extra days,this way when i need them to be flexible for me they always are and i know the parents really appreciate this. One of the reasons you have a childminder is surely so you have the flexible option? i think she's being very unproffesional and also quite rude!!!

Takeresponsibility · 17/01/2011 12:06

You asked if you were unreasonable to ask your CM to work another day, no you weren't but neither was she unreasonable to refuse it's not her business why you want a different day any more than it's your why she won't.

Her rudeness is a different matter - what tone was it said in? Was she defensive because she was embarrassed (can't do it because of benefits or husband won't let her or something), is English her first language? Some European languages state facts in a way that appears rude to us but they think we use too many words to dress up a simple phrase?

If she was just plain rude then I would consider finding another CM as I wouldn't want my children picking up that attitude, but I do appreciate that CMs do not grow on trees.

libelulle · 17/01/2011 12:11

Kepler makes a good point. If she was employed in an office and spoke to her boss like that I don't think she'd last very long. It sounds like she has a serious attitude problem!

GoldFrakkincenseAndMyrrh · 17/01/2011 12:16

She's not an employee though. She's self-employed.

I agree it's not good practice to speak to your clients like that but she's perfectly entitled to say that she doesn't want to (although it's a rather bald statement) without giving a reason.

brightlightsandpromises · 17/01/2011 13:04

Gold......my DP is self employed, if he spoke to his clients in that way, well, we would be broke! (or even more broke than we already are

I was ready to come on here and tell the OP that yes YABVU but when i read the op and the way the CM refused, if it were me - i would be looking for a new childminder, and when it comes to renewing contracts or whatever it is you do, i would be saying "i could, but i don't want to" I couldnt imagine having someone look after my children who wasnt friendly enough with me to help out. Lucky old her that she can turn down the extra cash!

Is there any possiblity you caught her at a really bad time? Or have you landed her with lots of extra work in the past etc?

GoldFrakkincenseAndMyrrh · 17/01/2011 13:34

Oh I agree it wasn't a good business move to say that in quite that way, but as a SE person there are things you can say which you'd never be able to say to your boss!

I do a lot of freelance work and I have in the past said 'I could do it, but I don't want to because it's a busy time for me personally/I'm finding pregnancy tiring/I have a gym class I do at that time.' I have, equally, taken on extra work that I don't particularly want to do, which they've known my feelings about, and been grateful that I've done it anyway. The 'I could but I don't want to' does leave the option for the OP to grovel (if it's necessary) and the CM is making it clear it's a big favour/an imposition on what CM sees as her free time.

In fact, thinking about it, a lot probably depends on the tone and the way it was said.

'I could.....but I don't want to' is different to 'I could but I don't want to (and I don't care what you think)'.

Original poster

lagrace · 17/01/2011 13:50

brightlights-i have never asked to swap a day ever!and i just said 'i have a meeting in May that i need to go to, is there any chance i could swap a day that week?'I absolutely agree its her right to decline that, just a bit surprised with the bluntness i guess.
The tone was pleasant as well, certainly no malice intended.

OP posts:

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