To tell DH I'll have another baby if he takes 6 months paternity?

[SylvanianFamily]

as background, we have 3 noisy beggars lovely, healthy DC aged between 2 and 6. I'm 30.

Can't shake the broodiness - despite thinking that having any more would put me in the ranks of the certifiably insane (and into the ranks of 'minibus driver').

After DS2, I decided I should stop breeding for a while. Find pregnancy hard, and I felt very physically depleted. I went back to study, in a direction that is a fantastic opportunity for me. Can't believe they took me on, and have supported me, given my demanding home responsibilities, tbh. Course runs for another 3 years. I could actually get supported mat leave from it - but I think I would really really struggle not to lose momentum if I had to take leave, broken sleep etc etc.

My study attracts a reasonable stipend (enough to buy 3 days childcare pw, plus travel costs). DH is the breadwinner, with a very good salary.

He was joking to me that he'd take paternity leave 'in a shot' . He went a bit pale when I turned around and said 'OK then'. I think, from his pov, he's a bit burned out at work (hence the appeal), and is great with the kids (although finds them v tiring at times), but he would worry he would be sidelined at work, and that we could,t go without his salary for 6 months. FWIW, he's exceptionally good at his job, and I've had people collar me at parties to say how they think he's a 'star' - so I think if anyone could bounce back from leave, it'd be him.

bump

You are addressing several questions here:

1. Will your DH recover his career after his leave - probably yes, its only 6 months off and he'll be back full time afterwards.

1. Will having another baby including pregnancy, 6 weeks off after the birth (you haven't mentioned BFing?) and having 4 kids rather than three mean that you'll be insane - ie would avoiding the 6 months off work actually make any difference in this to your "insanity", bearing in mind that your DH as the main breadwinner will be back at work full time trying to recover his career afterwards.

I took a year off my job for each of the other three kids - so that's my comfort zone. I'm not sure I want another baby, if I have to have the wrench of leaving it at six month. I feel differently about leaving baby with DH, and leaving a toddler. So idea would be I would take my (paid) six months - and try to keep up my skills in the margins of life with a newborn. Then DH would take 6 months off, to give me a running jump back into my study adventure. Taking a year off work was fine - because I just slipped into different roles within my company. A year off study is a definite regression, that I'm not sure I could recover from.

But it is a very extravagant proposition, isn't it, for 'another' baby, and some study....

Re: the insanity, I thrive under it, but I sometimes think I can see the strain on DH of noisy mealtimes/tantrummy bedtimes/ endless bugs and sniffles. Not wanting to drive DH into exhaustion is one of the reasons why two years ago I thought that we'd finished having kids. Then again, it's probably less the children per se, and more children + full on stressful job.

If your DH is well paid though, surely you'd be better off taking 6 months off and then employing a good nanny for 6 months until you were happy to put your baby into a nursery. I thought you meant go back after 6 weeks and then let your DH take 6 months.

Assuming the nanny earned less than your DH you'd be better off and your DH wouldn't have compromised his career, nor would it put such a strain on your DH.

A nanny would be far cheaper than DH taking leave.

It's just that there is something so .... sweet ... about embarking on a choice which gives us more family and more time for members of the family to be together, without emotional 'trauma' for me of finding a surrogate-me or of compromising on my adventure.

Each to their own, but I'd employ a nanny any day before I asked my DH to be at home with the children for 6 months.

He would find it stressful, I would find it stressful. A good nanny on the other hand....

I have only taken 6 months each time and have employed a nanny. For me even though DH is a great Dad, there would be more emotional trauma of him being off work than having a nanny look after our kids.

Don't see what would be "sweet" about making huge financial sacrifices for him to be at home feeling stressed about looking after 4 children.

I know it's financial madness, but we have previous on this kind of thing: dh was made redundant just before I had Ds2. Even though we didn't choose it, and had to make compromises like moving in wi my parents, it was really lovely to have the time together. He worried about the CV gap ( was out of work for 4 months), but apparently no one batted an eyelid when he said he had 'spent time with the family on occasion of our third child'.

I don't see it inevitable that he'd be stressed at home - no more so than staggering out in the morning with the 'get ready for school' din in his ears, and returning home just in time to take his shift guarding the bottom of the stairs and occasionally yelling 'get back to bed!', without any of the nice times in between.