To be rude to MIL? Please help!

[Misfitless]

I'm going to try to keep to the facts and keep my emotions at bay because I want genuine, unbiased opinions here...
Necessarily LONG - SORRY!

My MIL has a very big rootweiller-cross dog who has history ie: she herself told me some years ago that this dog 'went for' my nephew. The dog didn't bite the then baby because my SIL managed to grab her DS out of the way in time.

This happened approx 8.5 years ago, and since then the dog has growled at other children, but has not tried to bite any as far as I know becasue people keep thier babies away from this dog.

The dog's problem is, according to MIL, crawling babies and very small children. My DS is quite nervous around the dog, this isn't helped by MIL joking about the situation eg "My dog is going to eat your baby for his tea!"

Yesterday we invited MIL to have Sunday dinner. She arrived with the dog, as ususal. I was out with DD (3) and DS (5) because they wanted to go out in the dark in their wellies and we all needed some fresh air.

When we got in, the dog was in the hall with the door into the kitchen/diner shut. My son opened the door to go in the kitchen diner and MIL said 'Oh (tut, DS's name), you've let the dog in.' NB - the dog is massive, and DS is 5 and was scared so don't know if he was supposed to physically try and prevent the dog somehow. I said nothing, smiled and chatted to MIL.

Later on, because my 3 and 5 year old needed to be able to walk through the hall and back again I put the dog in the utility room, as this meant that my 12 month old baby did not have to be kept in her high chair, or be constrained on an adult's knee when she wanted to be crawling around.

All was well but I was very tense, admittedly (PMT and nervous wreck about dog and baby). I tried to keep a lid on it, though.

Sometime later MIL made a comment about the dog being in the utility room so OH said to put the dog in the hall with our dog which I did.

This meant my DCs were not free to move about the house without having to open the door and walk past the dog, who was behind the door, whilst trying to stop the dog getting into the kitchen/diner. It also made me more nervous about the baby crawling around in case the dog managed to get past the DCs.

Later still another comment was made so I brought the dog into the room with us, asked MIL to hold his collar and for OH to not take his eyes off the baby. At this point I was washing up and making coffee.

When I looked down MIL was holding the dog's collar and OH was on the floor with the baby. The baby was giving the dog a cuddle in her own delightful way ie: saying "AHhhh" and putting her face on the dog's back with her arms on the dog.

I snapped at OH "WIll you get her off the dog - why are you letting her do that?."

MIL said is a very casual way "Oh he (the dog) can't be arsed with that anymore."

By this she meant he's too old to be bothered snapping at small children.

MIL has said this several times before. OH said "Oh don't be so silly, it's fine" in a very patronising way.

At these comments I snapped and said "DO you know what, I am not prepared to risk it...I am not being silly or over-reacting. How can you possibly know or guarantee that that dog won't bite my baby? (Loud voice but not shouting) How can you? You can't .. you can't possibly know! It is my maternal instinct to want to protect my baby!"

MIL took offence and left. She appeared not to care about my feelings even though she was in our house.

OH had massive go at me because I was rude to MIL. I shouted back that she has been far ruder to me on several occasions and it's never bothered him enough for him to comment on it.

I shouted that she's been rude to our children several times and he's never once defended them and that I'm sick of biting my tongue and pussy footing around her.

I shouted that it was beyond belief that he would put out daughter in such a dangerous situation whilst telling me to stop being silly..that he's spinelss...showed no concern for daughter's safety or my feelings.. that MIL put feelings for dog above my feelings and safety of her own GD... I really ranted and shouted and so did he (I'm ashamed to say in ear shot of my DCs) but I literally felt sick with rage and was shaking like a leaf.

OH's main issue was that I was rude and that "two wrongs don't make a right" ie I didn't need to stoop to her level. The argument calmed down a bit became more of a heated discussion during which OH suggested that I should phone MIL and smooth things over for his sake as he didn't want any hard feelings and it could get out of hand.

I pointed out that he shouldn't have put daughter in that situation, should have respected my feelings and should have stuck up for me on several occasions when he hasn't ever done so. I suggested it was unreasonable to ask me to phone and that either he should phone and show his support for me, or MIL should phone.

OH has since apologised several times and has said that he can see my POV and that he supports me but that he shouldn't be the one to phone MIL, it should be me.

He can not understand why am I still so angry because he has apologised, so that should be that and I shouldn't be angry.

Your thoughts please.

I might apologise for raising my voice (I'm not sure I'd even describe that as a loss of temper) but explain that you've come to the conclusion that you're not happy for the dog to be in the house anymore. If she wants to bring the dog, could it be put in your garden?

Yanbu

your dh sounds pathetic. Who puts their mothers feelings before the safety of a baby

I wouldn't apologise btw.

YANBU and no need to appologise. Your DH and YOU must phone MIL and say the dog is not able to visit your house under any circumstances.

I dont think you should appologise to dh for shouting either.

there is just no need to risk your childrens life or yours come to that matter and adukt would not be able to defend themselfs against a dog of this size and nature.

quite frankly this dog should have been removed from the family when it went for your DN. your MIL is holding regards for this dog over regard for her family.

should have been NOT YOU phone MIL.

YANBU. So often, when a dog attack on a child is reported in the press, the attack happens in a grandparents' home. I wouldn't take my children round to a house with a potentially dangerous dog, or allow one in my house. Your OH is totally unreasonable not to back you up. Perhaps you should google and gather newspaper clippings about all the attacks that have happened, and ask him to read them all?

YANBU. Get rid of OH, MIL and dog.

Am I reading this right? Because the dog hasn't eaten a baby recently that means it's ok? Right. MIL needs to get real, OH needs to man up and you have in no way been U. Stand your ground and well done for doing what you did.

you have my sympathies.

Dog owners can be so blinded!

Nightmare situation.

If I were you, I would call MIL to apologise though, and also say it is not HER but the dog that makes you nervous, and from now on could she leave him at home when she visits, which you hope will be soon as no hard feelings etc.

If she refuses or stays cross, at least it's not your fault, it's up to her then.

I have no idea why your MIL thinks she has to bring her dog with her when she visits. I would politely tell her that he is not welcome.

I feel so angry for you! Your MIL is a thoughtless old bat IMO. Personally I would not allow the dog or her in my house after all that. She should think herself very luck that you have put up with her and it for so long.

I cannot believe her attitude to this situation. Why did she not get rid of the dog when it 'went for' your nephew all those years ago? She is irresponsible and selfish and also sounds pretty ignorant (sorry I know I'm ranting now).

I would sit back and hope she's too stubborn to apologise to you, then you can drop her anyway. She doesn't deserve to be a grandmother with that shitty attitude, really she doesn't. For gods sake, does she not realise that she could be responsible for a child's death???

Sorry, I will stop ranting now.

Why should op apologise though? She hasn't done anything wrong.

And btw - your OT needs to 'man up', stand up to the old bag when it's his children's safety at risk, and back you up. He is lucky to have at least one person in his family who is looking out for his DC.

Do not apologise, she is the one who should be apologising.

Your 'D'H needs to grow a spine and start putting you and your DC first in future.

YANBU and she should be the one to apologise to you.

She shouldn't have brought her dog there in the first place and she clearly showed that she has no consideration for your feelings on the matter by her flippant comments over the years.

I wouldn't be apologising to anyone.

I would tell DH that if we wants his mother to come again he can ring her and explain that you both agree there will be no bringing her dog to your house, and he will be kept separate at her house.
If he refuses to do this, no visits.

I don't really see what you need to apologise for - you got upset quite reasonably, over a situation not of your making.

I think your dh needs to ring his mum to make sure she knows why you were upset, and to talk about what needs to be changed in order to ensure the situation does not arise again, ie, either the dog gets left at home or is tied up outside the front door.

To have your children trapped in one room in their own home is not acceptable.

No, OH has to back you up. Is he afraid of his mother? Does she always get her own way by huffing off in a temper?

BTW, we have friends with a Rottweiler. He is the sweetest dog, very affectionate, very well behaved. When they visit he is tied up outside. They do it automatically, I have never asked them to.

Yes I also forgot to add, I have nothing against dogs; we also have friends who have a Rottweiler. When we visit, the friends put the dog in it's kennel which is shut off from the rest of the house.

I've nothing against anyone owning whatever dog they wish, but the owner has to realise that if their dog has the potential to harm (as does any big dog), they have to act responsibly.

Blimey,we have two of the soppiest dogs around and unless we are going to a large house where the dogs can roam freely we leave them behind,they're far happier at home than cooped up. What was she thinking?

Better to "upset" her a little bit now, than end up with a maimed, or worse, child.... don't think your relationship with MIL would be great then would it!

No YANBU.

I had this argument with my mum, she had a dog (RIP) that used to be a bit snappy and I didn't think it could be trusted. She used to brush off my concerns, but I stuck to my guns and refused to let the children be alone with the dog.

One time I wasn't there, the dog did actually try and snap at my child's face! It was bloody lucky that there was no injury.

It gave my mum a reality check though and she didn't argue with me again.

Maybe, as its his mum, your husband should be the ones having words with her.

I will try to give you an unbiased reply but you should be remember that this is Mums net, I think its fine for you and OH to agree to what happens in your house and if agreed the dog should not come back then that?s fine, I feel all involved have not behaved in a respectful way to others, the only one that has apologised is your DH. I would call the MIL and explain yourself that it was not an attack on her but your response to the dog and what dogs can do to kids. I would ask your DH to have a word with his mother to explain that the dog will have to stay in your utility room when she comes and if she does not like that then to leave the dog at home. Your OH is your OH but is also a DC and I would think he would have been very embarrassed by the two women he loves being disrespectful to each other. The world is hard enough without people being angry at each other. My last thoughts on this are that kids grow up to be better people when surrounded by love not conflict.

Thank you everyone. The general consensus is that the dog doesn't darken my doorstep again. I've just spoken to my OH and he has already phoned his mum and told her not to bring the dog again - she has agreed.

Nessy200 - we all know that. I'm not happy at my behaviour, but seeing my gorgeous baby girl put in a potentially extremely dangerous situation by two people who should be putting her safety above anything else was too much to bear, especially when faced with their blase attitudes.

Thanks MNers!

YANBU. my OH doesn't like dogs. my parents dog once pissed on our bed which sent him over the edge (it was a new expensive mattress) so they now never bring it when they come to our house. it's a small placid dog and we have no kids!

there is no way on earth i would have the dog you describe in my house let alone with children. it's just not worth the risk. your MIL doesn't know the mind of her animal - no one really does 100 percent. the fact she actually held the collar suggests she realised there was still a potential issue. if the dog was properly trained she would be able to get it to sit quietly in a corner and not move until she said so.