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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i the parent of my own child

64 replies

GinormousJase · 15/01/2011 23:22

Hi there

I dont know if this is a normal thing that most new parents have to deal with or if its something which is abit wierd, but either way I'm having problems dealing withit and would like to hear other peoples thoughts on the subject. It's getting to the stage where I hate visiting my parents because of it.Any advice would be fantastic.

I'm rather new to being a parent, my 1 and only child is 2 years old. Ive spoken to alot of my friends and they all say the same thing, my parents will always try and take over because they know best having done it before.

My problem is my parents constently, and I mean like all the time refer to themselves as mummy and daddy and to me and my partner as nanny and grandad. Its like all the time. My little girl seems to know who's who, and dosent really seem to be affected by it, although there has been the odd occasion where she's been alittle confused.

I've spoken to my parents about it, and apart from causing arguements and ill fealing, they deny doing it and tell me im wrong, now and then they'll tell me its hard when you've had kids of your own its hard to get used to. The fact that my little girl is now 2 years old i feal they've had plenty of time to get used to it.

I cant understand how this can be, I mean if its not your child, how can this mistake be made. From the people I've spoken to, none of them have ever encounterd this.

It's getting really hard for me to deal with now and I just dont know what to do or say. Is it me just being silly, has anybody else had to deal with this. are they still going to be calling themselves mummy and daddy when shes 16?

Id love to hear anybodys thoughts or experiances on this matter. Thanks alot for listening.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 16/01/2011 00:04

Very odd. Not normal at all. In fact, most bizarre. Sounds like they are off their nut.

I assume this is their first grandchild. If you had a sibling and there was another grandchild, wonder if they would do the same.

Oldsilver · 16/01/2011 00:10

My mil often refers to herself as mummy and to DS as "my little boy" and it rankles. Last time she did this was when DS was playing up, she said "is my little boy being naughty?" - I replied "No he's (DP) sat on the settee having a nice chat with his daddy". You could have heard a pin drop Grin. They normally don't call me anything at all - well not in my presence anyway.

MsKLo · 16/01/2011 00:17

Shit oldsilver! That would fuck me right off! How do you deal with that?
Why do so many pissing mil's think they should be playing mummy to the grandkids! I will NEVER do that

Original poster
GinormousJase · 16/01/2011 00:19

They dont really try and take over the parenting anymore than I would expect any grandparents to do. They are great with her and look after her alot. If I ask them not to do something or what ever they wont, apart from the problem I'm referring to.

I'm going to show them this thread in the morning and brace myself for their reaction, although I doubt it'll change anything.

They are both quite normal yes charliesmommy, although I'm thinking abit of dementia is setting in, but of course I guess anybody with dementia would deny they have it. I can only guess its in the early stages.

My Grandad has dementia, and I say they getting just like him, but obviously that dosent go down well. My guess is denial is the 1st sign

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 16/01/2011 00:21

Show them the thread??

Are you sure there aren't any better ways of dealing with it OP?

I can't see it going down terribly well with them.

Clunge · 16/01/2011 00:23

I wouldn't show them the thread. I would tell them in no uncertain terms that YOU are your daughter's mummy and if they carry on saying otherwise you will not be taking her to see them anymore. It's confusing, uncalled for and downright ODD.

OnEdge · 16/01/2011 00:24

That has made me feel really strange Shock I won't sleep now

Original poster
GinormousJase · 16/01/2011 00:25

Your right, It wouldnt go down well, but I cant see any other answer. Ill sleep on it. But at least its wierd and not me being silly. Thanks alot for the replys.

OP posts:
MsKLo · 16/01/2011 00:28

Maybe it's not te best thing to show them - I don't know, do what you feel is best

Please let us know how you get on and agree with others who say they must be told once and for all - it is disrespectful to you as a mother and to your daughter x

AgentZigzag · 16/01/2011 00:29

I think you could tell them in a way that takes out all the 'AIBU' IYSWIM.

Be firm and assertive if you feel able to stand up to them.

I think you might be burning your bridges if you let them see what people think of them just from what you've written in your OP.

There must be more to them than you've said.

Original poster
GinormousJase · 16/01/2011 00:32

Agree, I didnt need to sleep on it, I wont show them, that wouldnt be right or fair, but I will again try and sit down tomorrow and talk about it for 1 last time.

OP posts:
Clunge · 16/01/2011 00:34

Don't ask them to stop it, TELL them. I'd be spitting mad if it were my parents. Hope you sort it.

Craftyfox · 16/01/2011 00:35

To mistakely refer to self as mummy/daddy once or twice ok, to refer to you as nanny/grandad is very very very odd, 2 years down line - really not cool. They can be involved with your kids as long as they stop undermining you. If they don't like it they can fuck off go away

AgentZigzag · 16/01/2011 00:38

If you're thinking of letting the AIBU vipers tell your parents what you want to say, that says to me that you're really at your wits end.

It's how to get it across to them that this is important to you, and for them to not brush you off.

Perhaps there's no easy or quick answer, and you'll just have to be persistent telling them every single time they do it?

They can hardly deny something they've just said.

That is if you value your relationship with them?

If you don't, have a big barny and tell them where to get off.

ComeAlongPond · 16/01/2011 00:39

They sound absolutely bloody barmy.

Oldsilver · 16/01/2011 00:44

MsKlo this is my new way of dealing with it! Everytme she says "her little boy" I just point out/mention DP by name and say no, he's doing/saying whatever - it appears to be working. As to not referring to me, I'd rather that than some of the names BILs DPs have been called. GinormousJase - apologies for the hijack and good luck for tomorrow!

MsKLo · 16/01/2011 00:49

Oldsilver I really feel for you

Why don't they refer to you? They sound fucking awful
Maybe you should start referring to yourself as his mummy when she says it

Can't your dp have a word and yell her it's unacceptable?

Good luck OP

Tell them don't try and reason

Order them to stopppppp!

rockinhippy · 16/01/2011 00:56

Its weird & very disrespectful to you, your DP & DD Hmm

but that said, I totally agree with *Kewcumber", treat it as a joke, take the P BIG TIME every time they do it from now on & EMBARRASS the hell them into changing their ways....if they get arsey with you, just do as they do & laugh at them, whilst denying everything, in a patronising pat on the head kind of way Wink

AgentZigzag · 16/01/2011 01:03

Treating it as a joke doesn't get how inappropriate they're being across to them.

They'll just laugh along with the OP, who will be trying to keep the fact she's seething and wanting to throttle them, inside.

I might be wrong, but they don't seem as though they'll be embarrassed into behaving, or it'd have stopped them by now.

I would be looking them in the eye and telling them to stop, and there wouldn't be a hint of sarcasm or humour on my face.

charliesmommy · 16/01/2011 01:05

My MIL will refer to my husband as "her little boy".. but its said in a jokey way... in the same way that she calls our dog "her furry grandson"..

But she wouldnt tell my stepkids that she is their mum... nor would she tell them that my husband (their Dad), is their grandad...

I just think this is utterly weird. I thought I was misreading it and perhaps the op meant, they referred to each other that way.. ie the ops mum will say to the granddaughter "here you go darling, Nanny has made you a nice sandwich, tell your Mummy what a good girl you have been today when Nanny looked after you" and then turning to the op saying "look Mummy, she has been a really good girl for Nanny today"...

that to me would be reasonably normal.. but not to refer to herself as Mummy and call the mother of the child Nanny.. thats just unreal.

stLucia · 16/01/2011 01:12

I'm rather concerned.
If you said she was your MIL I would have been having flashbacks from 'The Little House'.

Do you have any other family members you can talk to about their behaviour? I think someone who knows both you and them well should know.

rockinhippy · 17/01/2011 13:02

Treating it as a joke doesn't get how inappropriate they're being across to them. true agentzigzag BUT it CAN be the first step in showing disapproval & getting a point across in a less confrontational way, as the OP has already said she doesn't like confrontation

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 17/01/2011 13:14

I think that you sit down with them and give them a warning.

"If this does not stop evry time it happens we will get our coats on and leave, as I will not tolerate it. You have the chance to change your behaviour or see less of your gd than you would like".

You will however have to be prepared to go through with it (regardless of any childcare problems that it creates!),

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

MoonGirl1981 · 17/01/2011 13:34

Most odd. Name badges? They might get the point then. xx

ashamedandconfused · 17/01/2011 13:47

how utterly odd they are OP

MIL always called DH's dad "daddy" when she talked about him to Dh eg daddy said this daddy did that - she would also refer to things her own father had said and done and call him daddy, as well as calling DH daddy in front of the kids - not a problem

i also would not mind ILs calling my DC "our little boy/girl" as I would see it as a communal "our" but to call themselves parents names and YOU grandparents names is bonkers

in fact i hope this thread is some sort of joke - albeit not a funny one Confused