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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to partly not want to invite my mum ?

21 replies

MissBubbles · 15/01/2011 22:19

....to my own wedding ?

Shes my mum so naturally theres a part of me that does want her there, but also theres a huge part thats dreading it, back story is that she has been an alcoholic for about 29 years, (im 32) there are so many different horrible things i could say to explain but would take forever so i will just list a few to give u a general idea.

Left my dad to run off with his brother (who she then married and divorced)

when she was out of work i would come home from school with friends to find her passed out on sofa, unable to wake

always started rows with people when drunk and nasty to them when they did nothing in first place

turned up at birth of my first child (despite being told not to) paraletic and proceded to sit in a corner and cry her eyes out while trying to tell midwife how to do her job and taking piss out of midwife

when i visit she tries to undermine me with regards to the kids, i wont let her succeed, but when i put my foot down she gets nasty towards me (and she wonders why i visit rarely)

she is a nasty, nasty horrible person when drunk, which is every single day, having an booze free wedding is unrealistic as it wouldnt be fair on other guests, including myself as id like a glass or two of asti (hate champagne) plus it wouldnt matter anyway as she would just sneak drink in, has a habit of doing this at parties even if there is a bar, also she had vodka in her handbag when she turned up uninvited for the birth of my first child

not sure how im gonna deal with this, part of me says i can not invite her as shes my mum, but bearing in mind the history (theres more than what ive out here) AIBU to be dreading the thought of her being there and no doubt ruining things as she has a history of ruining parties ?

OP posts:

charliesmommy · 15/01/2011 22:21

Is there another relative who you can ask to "chaperone" her and discreetly take her away if she starts to make an arse of herself?

kitbit · 15/01/2011 22:23

Can you use the opportunity to say to her 'I love you but I hate the drinking and I don't want the drinking at my wedding but I want you to be there, so you have to clean up so that wecan be together on the day' ?

FakePlasticTrees · 15/01/2011 22:23

Well, assuming a wedding overseas isn't an option, then I think if you really don't want her there, and you think she will make a scene, then it's ok to not invite her. But this will be a declaration you don't want her in your life at all, so think carefully if you're prepared to make that decision.

FabbyChic · 15/01/2011 22:24

Under the circumstances I feel it would be best not to invite her, even if she did not ruin your big day, you would be so stressed at the thought she might, the day won't be enjoyable for you.

Is there any way you can have a quiet affair? Maybe get married in another country so you don't have to invite her?

Just a thought.

Brices · 15/01/2011 22:26

I wouldn't invite her. And I wouldn't just be thinking of myself on my wedding day but the comfort of my husband and guests.

Original poster

MissBubbles · 15/01/2011 22:28

a wedding abroad does sound ideal fabbychic :) not possible as there will be some guests who wouldnt be able to make it that i would be so sad if they wasnt there :( readin all your suggestions i think maybe my best course of action is to have a good talk with her about her drinking, and also take on board charliesmommy advice and get someone to 'chaperone' her

OP posts:

fannybaws · 15/01/2011 22:29

I wouldn't to be honest, it sounds very likely that her behaviour will upset you as it has many times in the past.

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/01/2011 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MissBubbles · 15/01/2011 22:31

she has just got herself a new man, whoi so far seems a decent chap, so im hoping he has a good effect on her as he dont seem like someone who will put up with her crap, so im hoping that he will have a positive effect on her :)

OP posts:

Original poster

MissBubbles · 15/01/2011 22:34

good point stewiegriffinsmom i suppose i could always have the chat with her about it and use an engagement party as a kind of dry run with her, tell her that if she cant behave for that, then the actual wedding would be a no no ?

OP posts:

Bearcat · 15/01/2011 22:35

Bloody he'll, she sounds worse than my mum and she's not an alcoholic (her 2nd husband was).
Just don't flipping well invite her and let her destroy your special day.
We can choose our friends but not our relatives!

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/01/2011 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hazeleyedbaby · 15/01/2011 22:40

I think your idea of having the engagement party as a dry run giving her very clear instruction on your feelings is ideal, if she lets you down then you have your answer, good luck. I have a friend who didn't invite her mother to her wedding for the same reason.

Original poster

MissBubbles · 15/01/2011 22:41

too true bearcat yep i think best plan is to have a chat and use engagment party as a dry run, see this is why i love mn good advice and sometimes if your confused it can help you to get perspective :)

OP posts:

ZillionChocolate · 15/01/2011 22:42

If you want a UK wedding, is there anyway of separating the ceremony from the reception? Different venues, different times of the day. Or maybe an early ceremony and a lunch time reception with a definite cut off point, you could always have an informal after party somewhere else.

Original poster

MissBubbles · 15/01/2011 22:45

hmmm good idea zillion thats a definate possibility to do it that way, will def have to run this by dp :)

OP posts:

allnightlong · 15/01/2011 22:58

YANBU I didn't invite two members of my close family to my wedding because they are alcoholics. Partly because I knew it would ruin my mums day because she would have been tense all day worried about it.
1 of them accepted it and hasn't ever mentioned it and was keen to see our wedding photos.
The other one hasn't spoken to me in about 5 years. We were very close and I hoped by not inviting her it would shock her into seeing how bad her alcoholism had become, it didn't she's continued as normal. I miss her at time but don't regret not inviting her.

I did invite my grandfather who also has issues with alchol BUT he doesn't cause a fuss when drunk (by that I mean become gobby and violent) and I could trust him to keep his word that he would not drink.

Original poster

MissBubbles · 15/01/2011 23:04

its hard isnt it allnightlong ? you want a lovely day and to invite people you care about but on other hand some people dont seem to show same respect in return :(

OP posts:

allnightlong · 15/01/2011 23:23

It is MissBubbles but your going to a lot of trouble and it is your day (and I dont care how Twee that is! ) you and your DH have the right to relax and enjoy the day not worry that it will kick off and you will be humiliated.
Honestly I've never regreted my decision and our day was a lovely relaxed affair.

Original poster

MissBubbles · 15/01/2011 23:29

your right of course :) i have 2 dc's and by the time we get married we will have 3 as we are trying this year so i will have enough to worry about lol

OP posts:

MorticiaAddams · 16/01/2011 12:19

We didn't invite alcoholic mil to our wedding. She would have tried to make it all about her and talked complete bullshit about how well she had brought up Gomez, etc, etc.

We didn't think it fair to ask anyone to look after her as the other inlaws are far more important to us and we wanted them to enjoy the wedding.

She did make a big of a fuss sometimes and other time accepted she knew why she couldn't come.

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