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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not go to this wedding?

24 replies

mumbar · 15/01/2011 21:26

I am from a large family. Have many cousins.

Everyone is starting to get married/ have children and although we grew up close as our parents are bros/sis we are all leading more seperate lives.

The whole lot meet a few times a year - all 45 of us!!

Next year there are 3 weddings (cousins) 2 are local, one is reception invite only and the other is for whole shebang. The other wedding is 200 miles away on a weekend during term time. This cousin lives there.

I have had a 'save the date' invite but have decided its too far (petrol cost too) for me and DS to travel during term time, as I work too, and will cost too much for accomadation, food etc.

AIBU to not go to this wedding bu accept the other 2 invites?

TIA x

OP posts:

QueenSconetta · 15/01/2011 21:29

TBH I would say YANBU, you have valid reasons for not going.

HOWEVER

You may be opening yourself up to a lot of grief from others if you don't go.

QueenSconetta · 15/01/2011 21:30

Could you maybe share petrol costs/accommodation with some other members of the family?

charliesmommy · 15/01/2011 21:30

I think if you explain your reasons they should understand.

But are you sure you wont feel differently nearer the time and wish you were going?

Will there be others going who you could share the travel costs with.

BluddyMoFo · 15/01/2011 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/01/2011 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

groak · 15/01/2011 21:39

no, i have declined local cousins weddings because we are either not v v close or because of money (drinks taxis etc) and i don't think either party gave a hoot!! sometines, extended family gets invites because the older generation expects all the family to get inviyed!! a nice card, gift vouchers as a little prsent?

Original poster

mumbar · 15/01/2011 21:40

I'm sure they'll understand. We don't see each other often because she lives so far away, whereas I do see and am 'friends' with the others. We all get on and have split into groups of close friends iyswim.

Can't share travel, most families are 4 people so its a space issue and many have taken the monday as holiday and are staying longer. Working in a school I can't do this!

My Dad has to be somewhere halfway between home and there the day after. He offered to drive DS and me there, home the same evening, so leave reception early and then go to where he has to be the next day Lovely and kind or him but extra 200 miles for him to drive and we would have to miss half the reception.

OP posts:

Shewhoshallnotbenamed · 15/01/2011 21:40

YABU to go to the others but not the third, your cousin has invited you to the wedding as they want you there.

I have a similar family situation to yours, I wouldn't be upset if a cousin turned down my invite but I'd be really upset if I was to turn up to other events and see them there. I'd feel insulted and would take it personally.

But, due to the financial constraints I can see why you would not want to go. You need to handle it very carefully but above all be very honest - hopefully the cousin will realise and not be too upset.

(Why on earth are they all getting hitched in the same year??? A bit of planning may have been a good idea - for the sake of the entire family's purse strings!)

groak · 15/01/2011 21:41

in fact, i think i declined one werdding( i have 13 SETS on aunties and uncles! cousins are a nightmare!!) with teh reply 'sorry, babies, bumps and budgets mean we have to d=say no, but have a fantastioc day, we'll be thinking of you and send you lots of love (i was pg at the time with dc2!)

Shewhoshallnotbenamed · 15/01/2011 21:41

sorry - posted before I'd seen your last post about being closer to the other cousins.

Original poster

mumbar · 15/01/2011 21:46

Its not really a case of closeness, if she was getting married here, where the other 43 of us live i would go. I simply cannot afford it. Just the fact we aren't that close makes me think she wouldn't be as upset if I didn't go as others iyswim.

The weddings are in June, Aug and Sept!!! They are not all from the same M&D though!!

OP posts:

Shewhoshallnotbenamed · 15/01/2011 22:39

I totally understand your reasoning. It made me think about my family situation.

I am in your cousin's position - the bulk of my family live in the South, so if I were to get married and invite them it would be a huge cost to them to attend. I would be really gutted if they couldn't come, but I think I would have to seriously consider either a tiny wedding (immediates only) or potentially having the wedding in my birth town. Wouldn't go down too well with the Northern family though....i'm so pleased I'm single lol!

I'd look stupid in a wedding dress anyway....

Original poster

mumbar · 15/01/2011 22:46

shewho Just been posting on the other thread (rent one!) with you. We are in exactly the same situation. I am down south so I could attend for you if you like!! Or come stay at mine

It is more logistical. And I know this sounds very selfish, but I do my shopping, washing ironing etc too at the weekend and really can not afford the whole weekend away in monetary and time sense.

I will write a letter saying I cannot afford it, and wish them well. Honesty i uaually best - less likely to bite you on the arse than a lie!!

OP posts:

Shewhoshallnotbenamed · 15/01/2011 22:52

we used to go down about 4 or 5 times a year - usually Friday eve after work and back Sunday mid afternoon. This was just as a 'hello' visit. Problem is, it's exhausting - especially with a young child in tow. Then there's the planning, have to do the packing a week in advance and try and get that week's laundry done during the week, otherwise you come home to 5 loads of laundry and no time to iron as you've been driving for 4 hours and are knackered!

Yes, totally get where you are coming from. It is worth the effort if you're really close to somebody (and have the funds) but if not and you can be honest about your reasons, then I can't see a problem.

cat64 · 15/01/2011 22:55

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Message withdrawn

Original poster

mumbar · 16/01/2011 12:04

Its not 45 cousins! Theres 45 of us on Mums side, inc aunts, nan, cousins and their children/partners/ husbands etc.

I don't even have my cousins number - we don't communicate as such except at family events.

The other 2 I'm facebook friends with and talk to, one I call and chat once a month. Its mainly to do with the 400 miles round trip and expense which I cannot afford.

OP posts:

thumbdabwitch · 16/01/2011 12:12

I think you are perfectly reasonable to decline, politely, on the grounds that you cannot afford it. You are going to write and let the cousin know this, which is fair enough; she may be able to use your place for someone else.

I think that the distance and time required for this particular wedding should make it obvious to this cousin why you are missing hers but able to attend the two nearer ones; but just spell it out to be on the safe side.

The trouble is that some people simply don't "get" the "I cannot afford this" - they just think you should bung it on credit card and sort it out later. But I have had several friends who have had to decline even party invites because they cannot afford the costs of the trip, let alone the party itself - and I think you are very sensible.

coastgirl · 16/01/2011 12:20

I have a big family like this and I don't go to all my cousins' weddings. I invited everyone to mine (150 miles from where most people live) and some came, some didn't. I was glad to see the people who could make it but I didn't think twice about those that couldn't - it was a long way and people have other commitments. We try to go to as much as we can but every single person is not expected to be at every single do, and that's fair enough.

Original poster

mumbar · 16/01/2011 12:23

Thanks Thumb. I am struggling badly at the moment and trying to pay off debt so credit carding a wedding is a definate no-go.

I agree about the affording the parties. I have 2 'nice' dresses. One I bought with birthday money and one my mum bought me for my birthday last year to wear to another cousins wedding! These outfits will be worn agin!! I also tend to just buy a coke and drink it slowly!! Ususally take £10 and it does me and DS for the night.

OP posts:

LondonMother · 16/01/2011 12:51

I suppose it's the time of year but there's been a rash of these in the last couple of days, I see. What I think is unreasonable is that not only do the happy couple spend a small fortune themselves but they set it all up so that their guests feel obliged to spend huge amounts too - outfits, gifts, accommodation, drinks after the paybar runs out and for the truly unlucky the stag/hen weekend too. Don't people arranging expensive weddings feel uncomfortable about making life so difficult for friends and family who aren't that well off? Or maybe they're just non-people because they're poor.

DitaVonCheese · 16/01/2011 16:07

YANBU - an invitation is an invitation, not an obligation! I also have dozens of cousins and a few weddings we've not been able to make because we've had other commitments. It's no biggie (and we don't see my extended family as often as you see yours). I wouldn't even say you can't go because you can't afford it, just say you're terribly sorry but you can't make it, wish them well and maybe send them a present.

cat64 · 16/01/2011 18:16

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sinpan · 16/01/2011 18:27

I have a large extended family too and have had to decline many wedding invites over the years so I would not have a problem politely declining this The length of journey makes it impractical for you. I would decline and send a small gift

Circumstances change but blood relations don't or so I've found. Imissed my cousin's first wedding in new York but made the second one in rome.

Original poster

mumbar · 16/01/2011 18:27

Cat64 has summed it up nicely. It is an invite, one I can't accept for various reasons, I'll decline polity. I'm not sure if she will come down for the other 2 weddings, maybe the whole shebang one but seems a long way for her and her new!DH to come for just a reception.

I guess its just one of those things.

I think my family are use to it, I have declined the meals a few times for cost reasons, and more recently because DS keeps having allergic reactions. I went to the last meal and he had one so will not be going again - at least until after we see consultant.

OP posts:

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