AIBU to cry at the funeral of someone I've never met?

[suiledonne]

DH and I were at a funeral this morning for the parent of a friend of ours. I had never met this person but it was a moving ceremony and they were clearly well loved by everyone who knew them.

I shed a few tears during the ceremony but afterwards when we saw our friend I was quite upset. I suppose I am a sensitive person and I can imagine how sad and upset the family must feel.

DH thinks it is a bit silly. He commented on how I seemed to be the saddest person there and it is a bit embarrassing but I can't seem tohelp myself.

I do cry at happy/sad films, books, news stories etc.

Is anyone else like this? Do you try to quell the emotion in public?

Well I'm totally chilled at the idea that genuine grief and fellow feeling can be viewed as something so horrible by those that the people concerned most want to comfort. It seems like some sort of absurd hierachy. Those most closely related or concerned may feel and everybody else must maintain a stiff upper lip or be accused of vampirism?
I cry, that's how I'm made and things that happen in the world - to people like me, to people not like me, to people I've never met, to people I know and love - it all affects me and I process it all as we all do and sometimes I cry. I'm not faking that, I'm not controlling it - would that I could!

I think the problem is some people really do it for attention.

When my MIL passed my DH, sister and brother were all receiving mourners.... Dh's brother's wife was stood there with bawling her eyes out. They didn't speak, she was horrible to MIL and slagged her off to anyone and everyone.. and ruined her life. But she "graciouslly" received the other mourners who clearly thought she was distraught

I wanted to punch her in the face. I was crying too but stayed out of the way because it wasnt about me it was about DH and his siblings.

i took my kids to the airport as they were flying abroad to their dad's funeral, who had been killed in an accident. when I saw the whole family in the departure lounge I was overcome with sorrow and broke down: just to see them all there, all broken but being brave. plus my kids of course. I was horrified when ex-BIL put his arm round me and tried to comfort me (which was very kind of him). ex's wife (widow) appeared at this point and it so looked like I was taking centre stage, which was the last thing I wanted to do. I gave her a hug and inadvertently stepped on her toes. but tbh that is how I felt, that I was stepping on her toes to have broken down. I was not exactly the beloved ex (to put it mildly) as ex and I had had a very acrimonious divorce and years of conflict until the day he died. I felt a fraud, even though I knew I had not meant to be. It looked like it though and I regret it. I beat a hasty retreat and had a good sob in the car park.

sorry, late night ramblings

humanheart I suppose though that in such circumstances you mourn what was, rather than what became of your relationship. It's easy to foget the good times when the you are in the middle of a armagedon style split, but when that person is gone it brings it home what is/isn't important in life. Maybe even a little regret at some things that should/shouldn't have been said in the heat of the moment.

Then of course you're seeing your children have to take on this huge event, but you're out of the loop so can't outwardly show your emotion in respect for the widow and her family.

All very complicated really.

C- for spelling and grammar

tbh I sometimes wonder if the ability to cry at these events SHOWS how out of the loop you are - those at the core of it are so cautorised (sp) by pain that they can't cry. that comes later (lots of).

just a general rule mind, not law! just a thought...

and yes, being the ex at ex's funeral is very confusing. complex bereavement I think they call it. but peanuts in comparison to those in the inner circle imo.

I absolutely agree with a Mumin Scotland. You are not necessarily directly affected by the death of the person you barely know, but you are grieving for the losses you have felt and also feeling empathy for the loved ones of the recently deceased who are feeling the same.

I cannot watch the last episode of Blackadder where they go over the top in WWI and it slowly fades to a poppy field. I know they are actors, I know the production team have juxtaposed the two images for cinematic effect and therefore no-one was hurt filming those scenes but millions of young men were killed and injured in that war alone, all were somone's son, Dad, husband and I cry at the waste of live and with empathy with those left to cope.

As long as you don't shove the widow out of the way and throw yourself sobbing uncontrollably on to the coffin, I think it's perfectly reasonable to cry at a funeral, regardless of your relationship with the person who has died.

I agree with that - when I have lost a family member (luckily grandparents, as opposed to younger family members) I was almost zombie-like, unable to cry at the funeral. Later on at home, reflecting, it all came out.

I think for many people funerals bring back horrible memories... I went to my best friends grandfathers funeral ,it was the first one id ever attended -when i was 18- i cried alot and although i cried because it was the sad loss of a lovely grandparent i actually cried more at the pain my best friend was in ... after that someone who i was close to died, my dp cousin ,it hurt like hell and i cried alot and for weeks after it kept hurting - since then any funeral ive attended i dont seem to cry - i empathise with the family and it is terrible sad but something happened that day my dp cousin died. I dont think its unreasonable to cry at funerals HOWEVER i never have understood why some people will go to anyones funeral...literally if it was there friends brothers cousins dad they are there mourning and i just think funerals are horrible events and people should only attend if absolutly necessary but thats a whole new thread!!

I dont cry, I dont remember crying at my DD's funeral or when she died. Its too much to start.

I think people are getting a bit upset uneccessarily regarding this grief porn thing. I doesnt mean those of you who are genuinally touched my someone else's pain. I dont think that has been suggested so I am a little bit suprised at the (mild) outrage.

The fact is people DO use funerals and tragic events to draw attention to themselves. Just as terrible events can bring out the best in people they can also bring out the worst. I always think funerals are an illustration of this. If someone is selfish and self absorbed they will not change into a thoughtful, caring person at a funeral. They will make the most of it. Thet are often used to settle old scores and start fights. In some families this is up front and violent, in others its far more subtle and refined - but it does happen.

Bereaved people in general to not sit around glaring at other people touched by their loss. They often are not in the state to take much notice IME. But if you have a second cousin, twice removed holding up the funeral service because they are prostrate with grief its just not appropriate and its selfish.

People crying at my DD's funeral did not make me think they were selfish, nor do I think there is some sort of hierarchy of grief. I actually think that suggestion is far more offensive than grief porn. It puts the onus on the bereaved to prove that they dont think they are the only ones who matter. Very often we are put in the postion of comforting others for our loss and dealing with the looks of horror when people find out what has happened.

We all know that 'having a good cry' is cathartic. There is nothing wrong with crying at an event that upsets you but doesnt actually affect you. But for those involved it can often be impossible to cry because the event is just too huge.

I cried at my DH's grandad's funeral but it was more for his dad as he had lost his mum 2 months before and he was utterly devastated I'd only met the GPs once, but they seemed like nice people.

I also confess I cried buckets when a MNer I had been on an AN thread with had had a stillbirth, probably at lot of it was to do with the fact that I had a small baby of my own and on the night he was born we bumped into another couple coming out of the labour ward to go to the PN ward and it turns out they had also had a still birth as well
I think I cried because I couldn't bear them being in so much pain and I would have given anything to restore the lOs to them Especially as I had my own who lived. So I guess there was some guilt mixed up in it as well - why had my baby survived when theirs didn't?

I cry at anything, at the drop of a hat. The last funeral I went to was that of one of my dad's good friends, an amazing man. The church was enormous but packed out, crowds down the aisles, a big crowd outside who couldn't fit in. I was crying before we even sat down but there were so many of his close friends and family there who were in real anguish that I tried my hardest to keep it in. His daughter was supposed to do a reading but somebody else had to do it because she was just weeping, huge raw sobs that could be heard over the reading. I felt like it wasn't my right to be so sad, even though he was a friend of mine too. Silly, because I had genuine affection for him and still miss him.

I get through funerals by repeating in my head the mantra, 'fish, chips and peas'. Don't know why but it works most of the time. Means I don't actually take in any of the service but I do hold it together.

It is easy to judge another person's reaction at a funeral without knowing the whole story, and we seldom know the whole story of what others are feeling because we cannot see into their minds or hearts.

I learned this when my elderly grandfather died a couple of years ago. He was a lovely man who lived a long, mostly happy life and died of natural causes with minimal suffering. I was having a little sniffle at the graveside, remembering happier times with him and feeling sad that he didn't live just a little longer so that my DD would have some memory of him when she was older.

I became aware of someone sobbing a couple of rows behind me, and could hear my brother's voice saying "it's ok, it's ok, I know it must be so hard". My brother's in-laws had come to the funeral as he is close to the family. His sister in law was there, sobbing, making a show of herself from what I could see, attracting lots of attention, and my brother was among several people holding her and comforting her.

I felt very annoyed because she had never met my grandfather as far as I was aware, and I didn't think it should be up to my brother to care for her rather than the other way around. After the funeral my brother explained that his SIL had a baby daughter who died hours after birth, and who was buried in the same graveyard. She had not been back to that graveyard since her baby's funeral, but had made an effort to be strong for my brother's sake, because she loves him. She just wasn't able for it and fell apart. Once she started sobbing, part of the reason that she couldn't stop was because she felt so awful about detracting from the funeral and she was actually apologising to my brother for being upset.

I hated myself for having judged her and thanked God that I hadn't said anything about it to anyone.

Things aren't always what they seem.

I was the only person to cry at my father's funeral - it was in 1987.

My mother hated him, and 5 years later, was still slagging him off, with every sentence beginning your father - she could never know how much he meant to me as a father - she was his wife. He had his failings and his strengths, as we all do.

She kept all the condolence cards, and never showed them to me - it was HER grief and I had no right to feel any loss. As an only child I had no-one to share memories with, out of love. In 1992, shortly before she disowned me, she told me she thought she should throw them away and I lacked the courage to ask if I could see them.

My dh had only met him 12 years before when he was 68 - had he met him only 1-2 years earlier, he would have known so much more of him, felt he had a friend, and perhaps he would have lived longer.

Sorry, rant over, it's still raw because out of spite she cost him honours and decorations in 1 possibly 2 countries for his service during WWII. 2 of them only very rarely awarded to non-French nationals.

tb - I'm sorry about that situation you have written about. It sounds very unfortunate, and sad.

Like other posters, I find it very difficult to hold my emotions in check during funerals. So much so, that I avoided a funeral over the Christmas period of the wife of my DH's work colleague who was 35 years old and had multiple cancers. She was diagnosed as being terminally ill in August, and died on December 18th.

I am 35 years old, and my mum died of multiple cancers 13 1/2 years ago. I felt that I would have detracted from that woman's family's grief that I chose to stay away. I had only met her 2 or 3 times, but have met her husband on numerous occasions, and I felt bad for 1) Not being able to show my support to her husband and 2 teenage daughters on the death of their wife/mother, and 2) Not being able to support my husband who had said he would attend the funeral representing his work department, and he also is quite an emotional person but if I am not there he finds it easier to hold his own emotions in check.

Indeed, I wept at my fathers funeral.

I wasn't sorry he had died. I was crying because people were saying publicly what a great man and father he was. He wasn't he was a shit and an abusive father, and I was upset everyone thought he was so ace. I couldn't have cared less when he died, but I was very hurt and angry by the suggestion he was a great dad.

YANBU but I get the "grief porn" thing.

When my friend was still married, her husband took to his bed for TWO DAYS when Princess Diana died. He hauled the family to bloody London so they could add some flowers to the heap and insist that they all queue for hours to sign the book of condolence. He'd never bought my friend flowers.

No surprise she ended up divorcing him really.