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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'You've changed'

20 replies

elseIlltellyourfather · 15/01/2011 14:09

Here is my situation: Been with husband since I was 18, now 31. Have DS, 3 yrs, work part time, studying for a degree, running own business part time, look after most of house work/pets, currently 5 months pg. Husband said at 11pm last night "you are not as light hearted or fun as you used to be". I'M TIRED! Was I BU to be unable to sleep in the same room as him?

Not AIBU by stealth, he has since apolgised and been able to laugh at his absurd insensitivity and stupidity, but I really want to hammer it home with your opinions. Tell him....

OP posts:

altinkum · 15/01/2011 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 15/01/2011 14:12

Of course you've changed, it's what happens when you grow up, tell him he should try it sometime !

BlueCollie · 15/01/2011 14:12

I'd tell him to shift his backside and help with the chores then you might have time to be lightheaded plus you could also point out that as you do everything in the house he is pretty much not needed. See how lighthearted that would make him feel

Although I am rather amazed that you were awake at 11pm....I'm normally asleep on sofa at that time LOL

BlueCollie · 15/01/2011 14:13

sorry light hearted not headed...brain mush!!

Original poster

elseIlltellyourfather · 15/01/2011 14:17

altinkum I wasn't clear, the point is 'of course I've changed, what would you expect given my life now compared to at 18?'. It was the fact that he said it as a criticism, like I shouldn't have changed. Have never been able to spell critisicm, sorry to lower the tone .

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 15/01/2011 14:19

He should maybe imagine what life would be like in terms of DC, pets, housework etc if you hadn't changed any since 18. But, once you've stopped fizzing, you could try talking to him about why you don't have much chance to be "fun" any more, and how you can both work together to make more room for that side of life.

LadyOfTheManor · 15/01/2011 14:21

MY dh said that to me the other day, while I was emptying the washing machine and he was trying to kiss me. He then said "you're not as fun as you used to be".

I replied: "I'm willing to be fun and carefree but that would mean dirty clothes, hungry tummies and a bacteria ridden house. Now you can wait until I've finished the washing and kiss me then, or I can kiss you now and you can have no clean shirts."

He muttered to himself and wandered into the sitting room. Men, honestly.

atswimtwolengths · 15/01/2011 14:28

But, LadyOfTheManor, would a five minute snogging session really have meant nobody would ever have a clean shirt ever again?

LadyOfTheManor · 15/01/2011 14:30

I have some form of OCD and I have to follow a pattern of the way things are. So to knock me off my routine means that EVERYTHING would go to pot.

mommmmyof2 · 15/01/2011 14:33

Just good he apologised as it is insensitive, we all have to change a bit that is life.
Lets hope it was just an off the cuff comment!only thing is sometimes when people say things (apology or not) they play on your mind!

BurnAfterReading · 15/01/2011 14:33

I expect to be ripped apart by others after this comment but it's my personal opinion..so here goes....

Where does it say in the rule book that we mothers cannot have fun and run the house/work/look after children at the same time??

We always laugh in our house, and at the same time as emptying washing machines/doing dishes/feeding dd etc.

Yes we are tired and have a lot of running around to do etc but come on, the world does not come to a standstill if we take 5 minutes to have a playful cuddle with our partners - and I dont do this because I feel I have to (sometimes I just can't be arsed) but on the whole I want that interaction - plus I think it's good for the children to see mummy and daddy having a laugh....don't you?

mommmmyof2 · 15/01/2011 14:38

I don' think there is anything wrong with having a laugh, infact I think it is important, but I would not like it if my Dh said to me 'you have changed' when I no that I was doing my best to keep the house going.

I just think woman have to change e.g responsibilities and there is nothing wrong with that, making a comment to someone like that sujests they do not like that change.It would be upsetting I guesse

hairyfairylights · 15/01/2011 14:39

I'd have been hugely insulted, gone on strike and asked him how lighthearted HE felt doing all that.

COCKadoodledooo · 15/01/2011 14:41

If he's expecting you not to have changed in 13 years then it's him that's the unreasonable one I reckon!

WiiUnfit · 15/01/2011 14:43

Sounds like a (albeit extremely insenstive) slip of the tongue that men, and sometimes us women, sometimes have & immediately regret.

I too work part time & am doing a degree at the same time, currently 4m pregnant & I'm knackered enough as it is (may be iron levels too though!) so I can only imagine how much more tired you are!

The important thing to remember is that he apologised, maybe he could help you round the house a little more?

And just fyi, I also cannot stay up til 11pm nowadays! :o Half 8-half 9 is usually my falling asleep wherever I sit down time.

SkyBluePearl · 15/01/2011 14:49

an he is exactly the same? Hasn't matured a day since you first met?

ChippingIn · 15/01/2011 14:53

I think you need to 'even up' the jobs around the house then you might have more energy to be 'fun'.

ChippingIn · 15/01/2011 14:54

Else book a holiday alone and tell him he was right, you aren't fun anymore, so you have booked this holiday to recharge your batteries

tinkertitonk · 15/01/2011 15:51

Hey elseI, he's a saint if that's the worst thing he's said in 13 years.

Mahraih · 15/01/2011 16:03

Well, you have changed, haven't you? And you've probably had to - it's called growing up and taking responsibility.

I'm 22, 38 weeks pregnant and am already ACUTELY aware of having changed. I'm not as light-hearted, I now care that things are clean, I hate the bills not being sorted etc etc. Call that 'less fun' if you want, but if I didn't change, I'd be an irresponsible mother.

Still, I suppose it hurts to be told, and it hurts to know that one is less fun ... I find myself saying, "sorry I'm boring..." to DP when I'm falling asleep at 10pm after a long day at work, or unable to stay at the pub because my back hurts and he has to leave early. But none of us should have to apologise for growing up - DHs/DPs seem to manage to do it a lot less - lucky them.

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