to tell my DH to leave because of this?

[hesgonenow]

DH and I have always had a volitile relationship. I am quite fiery and he has a bad temper/tends to get in a strop about things and sometimes is rather too short tempered with the DC.

This year, DS2 (10) didn't tell us about his school Christmas play until afterwards. When I asked him why he said that he though DH would laugh at what he had to wear and take the mickey about it. DH does tend to do this in what he thinks is a light hearted way but DS2 isn't overly confident so I suggested it wasn't a good idea really. I was so sad he didn't want us to see his play.

Today, I was in the living room and heard DH shout at DS2 "you f*ing sack" as he had let the wet after walking) dog out of the kitchen. I immediately went out and asked DH what he had said and he denied swearing at him as if that somehow made it better! He was unloading the dishwasher and in a foul mood and dropped a glass because of it. I told him he should calm down and he then threw a couple of cups/glases accross the kitchen, shotuing and swearing.

We then had a bit of a row and I asked him to leave. I don't feel like I can tolerate him talking to DS like that. It was a one off, but he has been verbally aggressive to DS before and has smacked him on a couple of occasions, which I don't agree with, especially as it is due to DH's temper, not DS's behaviour. In general, both DS's are well behaved.

DH has left a few times before (Usually on my instigation) and I have always wanted him to come back, but I just feel total relief now, although I admit I am worried about the future as I don't work at the moment and am pregnant.

You're being perfectly reasonable to ask him to leave. His aggressive behaviour is completely unacceptable and for your DS2 to not tell you about the school play is heartbreaking. You and your boys don't need this. I would also tell your DH to go to anger management classes otherwise you'll have to arrange for access to be supervised.

You're even asking?

Get rid. For good this time.

You'll manage all right with a baby, but I doubt broken nights are going to help your husband's temper. It might be a newborn he takes it out on next time instead of a 10 yr old. (which is bad enough)

Yanbu

Oh good God how awful! It was the rvelation that you're pregnant that upset me. Poor DS!

I am inclined to tell you that you should tell him to go. I am on your behalf.

I am so sad for you. You have not been unreasonable to ask him to leave, it wasn't just one incident.

As for your relationship, have a read back at what you've said "I have always wanted him to come back, but I just feel total relief now" , there's your answer.

YANBU but can I just say speak to your DS when my parents split up it was in circumstances like yours and the original argument started over something my brother had done and escalated from there, for years my brother felt responsible for what had happened even though it had nothing to do with him, at 14 he could not see the bigger picture.
What ever you decide to do it will work out you need to be there for your son and new baby in a calm and loving environment.

I personally would rather that an erratic parent was positioned so I had the right to intervene and a certain level of control over how\when\how much he interacted with my child.

In theory, cos I haven't had to live through the reality.

I've had friends who have separated BECAUSE of how their partner behaved around\towards the children, and their view was that rather than solve the issue they lost the power to minimize the impact, because they were no longer present during the bulk of contact and had very little say in how their children were treated when with their father.

In some case it became even more tense and complicated when the father brought in a third party in the form of a new partner who would collude in rationalizing the father's behavior for him and emphasizing the concept that any complaints were based on the mother's controlling\trouble making"poisoning their minds" nature.

While none of them missed living with their ex partners there was the acknowledgment that it had not been the solution they had assumed it would be, and in some cases separation had exacerbated the situation for their children by bringing the added tensions of separation\divorce\post split co-parenting to the table, worsening the father's behavior towards his children.

So, in the hypothetical, unless I had something cast iron that would guarantee that a request for supervised visits would be granted, I think I'd rather stay together in order to allow me to form a constant human shield between my child and a man who was behaving abominably.

Although again, I must reiterate, this is in the hypothetical for me, and therefore very easy, cos it is "say" rather than "do".

I do think you were unreasonable getting pregnant with a man like this.

Shoot me down in flames if you want, but you already have two children that you know suffer as a result of this man. Did you really think he would improve with three?

(And for those who might say that the husband should take responsibility for the pregnancy, it's absolutely bloody obvious he's not going to do that - it seems everything is everyone else's fault.)

Best off without him. Your children need to be in a stable loving positive home. xx

How horrible for you and your DC. Of course YANBU.

Your DH's behaviour is abusive. It's not acceptable to swear at children and throw crockery around.

YANBU, totally unacceptable for a grown man to behave like that, and neither you nor your children should have to put up with it.

well done for standing up for your DS!! Your children need your protection and support

atswintwolengths a man like what?

I agree this behaviour is abusive, hence why I have such a problem with it, it is not acceptable, but he is not generally like this. He is usually a very loving, caring man but can be thoughtless at times and at times has difficulty in controlling his emotions/anger and at these times behaves like a child.

I am not making excuses for him but he has been through excessive stress in the last year or so which is when this behaviour started. He has stopped drinking as that seemed to be a trigger, but will not seek counselling for what I believe is causing these issues.

I think a lot of his issues in general also stem from his own up bringing and not knowing any different. He is quite insecure and was brought up in a household where he most certainly wasn't a priority.

Of course, none of this is an excuse for his behaviour, it is completely unacceptable, and he is an adult and the only one in a position to really do something about his problems, which it seems he isn't keen to do.

I thought it would be impossible to cope on my own with four children, but DH. had spent all our money on booze and other women. His temper was also unpredictable.
I divorced him after 12 years of marriage and surprisingly after the first few weeks of hardship and uncertainty life became so much easier.
I gained respect for myself and the children were happier knowing the house was not a 'war zone'.
Life continues to get better and I remarried a few years later to a fabulous man and gained three step children.

We will never be the 'Waltons' more like the 'Simpsons' but to be pushed to such a low, you never think you will ever find happiness.
A year can make a tremendous difference.
Be brave

I think you need to give him a chance to prove himself. By the sounds of your last post, he isn't always like this. Give him an ultimatum. Either he gets anger management/councelling, or he swings his hook. Do not allow him back in your life until he has been to at least a few sessions, and then only on the proviso that he takes his frustration and anger out on something else, like doing a sport/running.

atswimtwolengths

bloody stupid comment to make

OP - if hes generally not like this then you need to sit him down, explain your concerns about DS confidence, and set some rules that will curb the behavour you think is contributing to it.

If he still cant change his behaviour, then kick him out. It would be a shame though, as other than a few shouty moments he sounds ok.

"Give him an ultimatum"

I don't think that is much of a hook. he has been thrown and out and then invited back again a few times according to the OP, so the shock value of that ship has sailed. Match that with somebody who is insecure and grew up not feeling like a priority and I don't see how an ultimatum wouldn't just add to the status quo.

I'd try a different route, telling him how important he is to the OP and the kids, how much he is loved, how much his good points (clearly identified for him) are appreciated and valued, underlining how as a family working with outside help to eradicate flash points that weaken the relationships can improve everybodies' happiness\well being levels, including his.

No guarantees obviously, these things are complicated and more often than not require a range of solutions, rather than a single magic bullet, but you are more likely to catch an somewhat emotionally damaged bee with honey rather than vinegar.

I agree that he needs to seek help for dealing with his temper but I think that needs to be done outside of the family home.

Why should poor ds2 have to put up with being shouted and sworn at, hit and being made fun of? If anyone other than his father was the culprit we would be calling it bullying and urging the OP to talk to someone who could help put a stop to it.

And what about the next time dh decides to throw cups and glasses across the room because he can't manage the dishwasher, only this time they hit someone? Or if the new baby wakes him up in the night with their crying?

He seems to be feeling no remorse whatsoever for any of his actions. Without this I sincerely doubt he will change.

OP- You're in a horrid situation, but in your latest post you say you aren't making excuses for him, and then proceed to fill the post with excuses for his abominable behaviour.

It's a classic situation unfortunately....of course he isn't always "like this". They never are. That's how come they don't get kicked out and left to fend for themselves sooner.

I think that you should tell dh that if he wont take anger management and possibly relate with you then he must go That is if you are unsure of Yr decision. If your sure you have had enough then he should go regardless. I hooe it works out for you all in the long term.

Unless there is something I'm missing then I think a lot of the posters here are overreacting.

He swore at his child - an overreaction considering what the child had done but who hasn't let the odd swear word slip, I have! Not proud of it but unless he is swearing and calling them names all the time then that doesn't warrant you chucking him out.

You had an argument and he threw a couple of things around the kitchen - not great, but who has never thrown something or banged something in anger.

Your child didn't tell you about his play - that is the main thing which bothers me. DH shouldn't be taking the piss (whether it's a joke or not) as it will damage your childs self esteem. That must stop immediately.

He smacked DC a couple of times - was it really a couple of smacks or did he beat him? There is a massive difference as a lot of people are NOT against smacking. I don't like it and you do say that he did it out of anger and not because of what your child had done. I suppose it depends on how hard he smacked as well. I have smacked a couple of times even though I don't agree with it but only lightly and I don't intend to do it again.

I think there isn't enough information here for everyone to be shouting "chuck him out" and making him out to be an abusive arsehole. Maybe he is but there is not enough info here to tell.