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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take DD out of private school?

35 replies

WimpleOfTheBallet · 15/01/2011 11:43

DD is in year 2 of a tiny prep...she has been there since she went to the nursery there at three and a half. She is happy and well adjusted..but it bothers DH and I that there are only three other girls in her year and other years are similar in the school.

When we made the choice to go private we weren't expectig to have any more DC but dD2 arrived anyway and is now 2. DH got made redundaant just befoe Christmas and we're living on my earnings as a freelancer. TIGHT!

We had some financial bother last year and were going to pull DD out but the lovely head practically MADE us stay and put us on half fees..I told her at the time I was worried about affording it for DD2 and she said "There will be help for her too if it is needed"

My main bother is that when it comes to secondary, we wont be able to afford private secondary with her mates...unless she gets a scolarship.

So last week I applied for a place in a lovely village schol about 4 miles from where we live now. And today got a letter saying there IS a place and we have to take in within 4 weeks. I visited this school last year and was very impressed.

The illage school feeds into an outstanding secondary...and the area is gorgeous so DH feels that we could move there...we rent...we're still renting because for the last four years there has been a question of which country we would settle in...UK or Oz were DH is from. We have now decided to stick with the UK>

We have savings for buying a house and don't want to eat into that for school fees!

reading this back there seems no question that we move her... just feel nervous..how do I break it to DD who is a creature of habit?

She's going to freak out I think! Will she settle ok in year 2? Help!

DOes our plan seem ok to you?

OP posts:
Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 15/01/2011 11:45

oh yes...we are now paying full fees again..but I know if I went to the HT he would give us another Bursary... just don't know if I want to struggle like this to pay for school.
I think it may really affect the school if they lose any more pupils...not just us...others could leave.

OP posts:
onimolap · 15/01/2011 11:46

Of course it does!

Just make sure you've checked the sex balance in the classes at the village school too - there was a thread a couple of weeks ago by someone whose DD was similarly having social problems in a state school where there were only 2 girls in the class.

conniedescending · 15/01/2011 11:48

i think you have your answer!

I moved from private to a state primary in year 5 and remember being upset but was fine once i had moved

at year 2 she'll soon make friends and prob wont event remember after a while!

Eglu · 15/01/2011 11:53

It is much better to do it now than to let her continue and go to a state secondary. That would be very hard for her.

I understand the creature of habit part, my DS1 is like that and is about the same age. I'm sure she will settle quickly though.

Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 15/01/2011 11:54

The sex balance is almost 50/50 onimolap...she's ok with the 3 girls she is with atm though..makes friends easily.

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Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 15/01/2011 11:58

Eglu...she's not great on change! Like me actaully!

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JiminyCricket · 15/01/2011 12:03

I think it sounds like the best thing to do for the long term - I would make sure you talk positively and with assurance about it to your dd,(and not talk with worry or negativity to other adults in front of her) acknowledge her sadness and apprehensions that ahe will miss her old school and friends, talk about how you will 'have a good ending' there (arrange a leaving party or play date if poss - something positive for her to focus on), how she can keep in touch with a particular friend, and let her know that as the parent you have decided it is the best thing for the whole family. All obvious I know, but think it helps the transition. Hope it goes Ok.

Eglu · 15/01/2011 12:03

I know the feeling. I guess my DS gets it from me too. But often in his case it's a fear of the unknown and once he tries something then he is fine.

hidingmytrueidentity · 15/01/2011 12:07

I don't know what the notice is- usually 1st day of term which you have missed and so you may be paying fees until july when she will actually be at the new school.

Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 15/01/2011 12:11

Jiminy...yes.I know she will stay in touch with her 2 oldest friends...the Mums willl want it too as we all get on. I think a little leaving party will be good....

Hiding...I think we will have to pay next terms fees too..unless HT takes pity on us which I doubt as I bet the school is strugling a bit. (could be wrong though)

I do know they will be happy for me to pay in installments..

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Adversecamber · 15/01/2011 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onceamai · 15/01/2011 12:27

For all of you I think you have to move her. If you are struggling now with fees for one child at pre-prep it will be an even greater struggle later on - we pay the equivalent of £1,350 pcm for one dc. Move her now, the house is important, dd2 is important, your quality of life is important. Overall I think it is essential that dd is moved for the sake of her social and educational development. Even if money were no object I don't think it can be helpful for any child to be in a school with three children in her year group and similar numbers elsewhere in the school. I cannot understand how this can possibly be useful to your daughter later on when she has to move at either 8 or 11.

I think you all need to be comfortable and less stressed now and focus on building a life for the future. Any spare money later on will be much better put towards 6th form or uni, especially as the alternatives you describe sound excellent.

Good luck.

SandStorm · 15/01/2011 12:28

I work in a small state primary school and we've taken our share of children who have had to move out of the private sector for whatever reason. They have all, without exception, settled in within weeks.

onceamai · 15/01/2011 12:29

To add to the above - from what you have said about the pre-prep she is at, it sounds as though it is likely to close in the nearish future in any event and you will have to be doing this sooner or later so better off now than when there will be others after the place in the village school.

edwoodwoodwood · 15/01/2011 12:32

We moved to Australia for a year and took our ds out of private school. We went private in Aus, but decided to go to an outstanding village primary when we returned. It's also in a very pretty area and feeds into an outstanding secondary. It's a great school, and suits ds far more than the private.

She should settle down in no time at her age.

onimolap · 15/01/2011 12:34

The end of year2 is a natural break point for many anyhow. You're only bringing it forward a bit.

Even if you do lose a term's fees, you'll be saving shed loads in the longer run.

GenevieveHawkings · 15/01/2011 12:36

WimpleOfTheBallet, I think it's a complete no-brainer.

It will only put ongoing stress on the entire family (not to mention your marriage too) if you are constantly in a posiion where you have to stress over whether you can afford private school fees. And then of course there will be the matter of affording to send your DD2 as well. There will also eventually be huge pressure on both your DDs to perform well enough in entrance exams to gain scholarships so you aren't faced with even bigger more unaffordable fees at secondary level.

Take the pressure off all of you and move her. She's only Y2 so now is probably the best time of all to do it. The longer you leave children in private education the harder it becomes to pull them out as they become attached to friends etc.

Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 15/01/2011 12:53

Thanks so much for sharing all of your experience: it's great to hear that from a teacher Sandstorm

and Oncemai I agree that even if we could afford it, I would still not be happy with DD having such a tiny choice of playmates.

GenevieveH yes...the thought of putting her through exams aged 10 is hideous espeially since as of yt we have no idea f how academic she will be...

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veritythebrave · 15/01/2011 13:12

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kerala · 15/01/2011 13:26

I would be seriously put off a school that small. My primary was tiny but my year was ok there were 12 of us girls. My sisters year only had her and 2 others, one of whom was a bully, the other girl her sidekick so my poor sister was stuck with this for 7 years as no other girls to befriend Sad. Know you are not but some people Ive met are terribly smug about their children being in tiny classes I wouldnt see it as a positive at all really. Good luck with the move.

humanheart · 15/01/2011 13:33

has your dd visited the village primary? think it's always a good idea to take her along instead of just moving her 'from above'. if she is a creature of habit (and even if she isn't) imo it is important to make her feel she has a say in it and isn't being moved around like furniture (sorry, harsh phrase - know you aren't but it can feel like that for a lo)

Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 15/01/2011 13:35

Verty we are planning to move this summer...we rent and will just rent in the villge until we find a house...will check the catchment for the 2ndry as it is oversubscribed...of course there is no garantee, but we'll have a much better chance. Plus not paying prep fees will allw me to relax and save up if we DO decide private is the way to go for secondary.

Karala....I think one girl who is DDs best mate will be going to a larger private school for juniors...and who knows who else is thinking of moving. Small can be good but I think less than 10 of each sex is a bit TOO small. Plus as someone else said it DOES seem as though the school may shut down soon...I don't know how they are managing on so few pupils...

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Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 15/01/2011 13:37

human We will take her to see the school before hand and I am certain they will let her go for an afternoon one day...I am hoping she may surprise me with setling. It's not unlike her current school in atmosphere...very friendy and warm...very good emotional care and gorgeous teachers. Plus it is in a beautiful setting.

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veritythebrave · 15/01/2011 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GenevieveHawkings · 15/01/2011 23:19

I think people should be mindful of the huge culture shock it can be to children when they transfer from these very snall village primary schools to secondary school where the sheer number of children can be quie overwhelming. It's very rare to find a small and intimate secondary school anywhere!