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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to hate my stepdad

48 replies

pallette · 14/01/2011 23:47

Went out for a meal with my mum, brother and stepdad. I ordered my starter and main and half way through he said blimey no wonder your starting to carry the timber, your legs look like a couple of logs. As we went through the meal he then had a go at my hair saying it was scruffy and that I had enough makeup to paint the front room. My brother then interjected and said he thought I looked beautiful to which he told him to stop being a suck and givin me delusions. I finished my meal and left soon after. We've never got but he seems to be getting more and more derogatory towards me and my mum never does anything either, the only person who stuck up for me is my 17yo brother

OP posts:
MyLifeIsChaotic · 15/01/2011 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pallette · 15/01/2011 10:12

I have spoken to my mum about it in the past but she just downplays it and says that he is lovely man really Hmm. I never say anything back because I don't want to get involved and I'm not good at comebacks anyway.

Yeah I'm an adult (25) and fortunately I don't live with them.

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GooseFatRoasties · 15/01/2011 10:13

YANBU The man is a bully.

monkeyflippers · 15/01/2011 10:16

As Goose says he is a bully. Please stick up for yourself, if only for the fact that I am unbelievably outraged on your behalf!

Even if you are a confident person having someone saying things like that too you is going to really affect you.

coldtits · 15/01/2011 10:17

Your mum doesn't want to hear about how badly he treats/treated you, as eventually, that line of conversation will culminate in someone asking her "and where were you while all this horrible stuff was bEing done you your only daughter?"

So that's not allowed to exist in her head.

Likewise, you will find that if she has never stood up for you and disallowed this behavior before now, she's not going to start as regardless of what she says, her behavior tells us she finds if perfectly acceptable.

Disengage.

Next time you are asked for a meal, ask if step father will be th3ere, and if he is, relyt "No thank you, I don't like being spoken to the way he speaks to me. I'll come and see you when he's not there."

try to see you brother seperately, at his age it shouldn't be hard.

Katerlina · 15/01/2011 10:27

Yep - I agree with coldtits. I have had both a stepdad and a stepmum, and they are difficult people to deal with - so much latent jealousy and misguided parenting attempts!

I remember the day I fronted up to my stepmum - it was my 15th birthday and we were discussing college. I was saying that I might go to a sixth form college to do A levels or I might stay at my school - which was a fee-paying school. My stepmum started in on my mum saying 'I hope she doesn't expect us to help her pay for it' etc etc... I flipped (these digs at my mum had been going on since I was seven and I had never reacted before) and told her that if she ever talked about my mother that way again I would NEVER come and see them again - and it was my birthday for God's sake, can't she just leave it for ONCE! And then I stomped up to my room - my Dad came and comforted me, and apologised and she has never done it again.

We are best mates now - she's was there when my first son was born and she's the person I go to since my mum died 10 years ago for advice.

I'm not saying that you will magically have an amazing relationship with this guy if you flip out at him - it took me and my Stepmum 20 years to get to where we are now - but sometimes it's quite important to stand up to people who are using you to act out their jealousy and their issues... next time he does it, tell him how it makes you feel - tell him how horrible it is, tell him you are a grown woman and you don't need this crap from anyone - then get yer coat, and go as per coldtits advice.

If your mum doesn't do something - well, that's her look out - one of the hardest things with 'steps' is the realisation by you that you are no longer the most important thing in your parents life - for a while at least, it's going to be the 'new' relationship... but then aren't we all like that with a new man/woman? It doesn't mean she doesn't love you - but you and your brother are growing up and away and this man might just mean she doesn't have to grow old alone... give her a bit of slack - she'll get it in the end if she loves you like a mother always does.

tethersend · 15/01/2011 10:33

How long have you known him?

If this behaviour came from anyone else I'd say he fancied you, actually- some blokes can't cope with this and try to gain power by putting the object of their affection down.

May not be the case here, but still completely out of order. Does he say things to your brother too or just to women?

pallette · 15/01/2011 10:39

I've known him for about 4 years and they've been married 2. My brother and him don't have the best relationship, I get the impression my brother tolerates him for our mums sake but to be honest I think he still yearns for our dad who past away 6 years ago.

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tethersend · 15/01/2011 10:49

I think he is simultaneously attracted to and intimidated by you, so he has to put you down to feel powerful.

He sounds like a massive arse and I would not want him in my life at all.

I'm sorry about your dad. Your brother sounds lovely.

pallette · 15/01/2011 11:03

Yeah I think I just need to accept that he is a dick and that we are never going to get on and try and limit any time I have to spend with him to a minimum.

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GooseFatRoasties · 15/01/2011 11:06

I am glad to hear you didn't grow up with this man and are not living with him. My father used to talk to me like that and it was very damaging. Your Mother probably can't see it. I'm certain the saying love is blind has a lot of truth in it. I second coldtits about not putting up with it.

Grandmar · 15/01/2011 13:39

You can fight everything 'bar' ignorance!
This man is an ignorant bully. Don't take to heart any future or past comments.

He has control when he succeeds in hurting you.
Next time he is rude - just smile, think of every swear word you want to call him, but continue to smile. People like him hate not getting a response.
You are the lucky one, as you are a totally superior human being.

byrel · 15/01/2011 14:23

YANBU just ignore him and listen to your brother who sounds lovely

reratio · 15/01/2011 16:42

YANBU If it had been me I would have got up and walked out, no-one has the right to speak to you like that.

uyter · 15/01/2011 19:27

If it had been me I might have thrown my food at him, I would refuse to see or speak to him again unless he seriously changed the way he behaves/speaks towards you. If that means not seeing your mum then I think its a price worth paying no-one should be treated in that way.

Your brother on the otherhand sounds lovely and the complete polar opposite to your stepdad, spend time with him away from your step dad.

PigletJohn · 15/01/2011 19:50

I don't think you need to complain to your mum about him. You need to tell him.

Next time (if there is one) wait until he's said something that is clearly unpleasant, then interrupt and say "I really don't want to hear any more derogatory remarks from you" or "are you insulting me again? Please don't" or something else adult, assertive, unambiguous. Then stop. Dom't smile or giggle or look away. Don't get into conversation. If he flannels, say something on the lines of "No, you listen to me. I've had enough".

Avoid getting into a discussion about what he said, and whether it was really insulting or not. You can say you've told him, and you don't want it to happen aghsin. If he tries to argue, say the same thing, in the same words. Repeat as necessary.

If he does it again, yes, walk out. But make sure you've told him first. Keep it short.

Practice at home in private, or with a trusted friend. It can be difficult if you're not used to standing up to him. Getting into conversation or argument will enable your point to be lost a sea of how unreasonable and oversensitive youy are.

BTW, I reckon it is entirely normal for steps not to like each other. In some other species, step-dads kill or eat the existing young. Luckily we don't usually do that.

beobelle · 15/01/2011 21:43

Just don't see him he's not worth your time.

Bearcat · 15/01/2011 21:54

Never thought of my mothers husband as my stepdad.
He was her husband.
He made a pass at me when I was about 17 and although I told my mother the next day she still went on to marry him when I was 21 and had left home.
Never forgave him or her and have not seen my mum for last 10 years after a row with her although we have vague birthday and Christmas contact.
He died last year but I still have no real contact with my mother.
Just don't see him. Don't let him undermine your confidence.
I'm 51 now!

huddspur · 15/01/2011 23:48

YANBU he sounds vile

droves · 16/01/2011 00:08

Next time he says something vile , tell him he is an obnoxious moron who needs to grow up and realise no one listens to his comments ,and that he really should shut his stupid mouth because he is just embarassing himself.

...is your mother well ? . surely she mmust be a bit vunerable to marry such a creep?
having said that , divorce is a great cure for arsey men....it gets rid of them Grin

opolle · 16/01/2011 09:28

Just ignore him and limit the time you spend with him, he sounds a complete twat.

salsmum · 16/01/2011 10:10

Tell him next time that you don't want a battle of wits with him because u can see he's clearly unarmed Grin x

Thehelpless1 · 05/03/2016 16:22

I really know how you feel when i make a mistake my step-dad is sure to rub it in. He smashed my phones with a hammer when i reported him. He also lied to the authorities now i'm sill dealing with this shit.

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