What do I do next

[blownit]

A bit of a backstory. Married 18 years. DH a good man but quite selfish and unsociable. Children now teenagers. Thought all was OK, with a few normal ups and downs until 2005. Then a bombshell. DH admitted he had gone to prostitutes when our son was very small. It was a bombshell tbh and I have never forgiven it, cannot understand it and it has affected our sex life. But we have kept going but the last few years have been really really hard. His dad died suddenly and a few months later he resigned his job of 18 years because he had had enough of it. Didn't discuss it - middle of a recession. Out of work for a year. Working again now but weekly commuting(living with his mum and that's another story). He has mean tendencies too like his family.

Have tried really hard but we have had some awful rows in the last couple of years. Me going hysterical, completely losing it like a banshee. Did it on Wednesday night - he sent me a text to say it was mild so make sure heating turned right down. I went balistic - it really upset me and I sent a terse text back and rang him and yelled down the phone at him then sent another text telling him how much he had upset me. And I can imagine him and his mum making little digs all the time. IMO she's a shit stirrer but he always denies it.

He has now said he's not coming home this w/e because he wants to reflect on his many failings. The children will be very upset. I think I may have really blown it this time. The thing is I do love him and I like being married. I never thought we would end up in this mess. I'm 50 soon and very menopausal and well past my best.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so unhappy and have no-one to talk to - don't want anyone to know in r/l.

The one bit that stuck out for me was "I think I may have really blown it this time"
Please don't think this is all you.
I don't have any advice I'm afraid, but your post sounded so sad. Good luck.

ive been married forever too, and i know what it is to be in a long term marraige such as this and for me at least its my whole adult life, and things that people scream 'leave him' for i just wouldn't becuase we've been thorughh so much. but, i absolutley know and am confident in my self. i remind dh if he becomes a petulant twat that i wouldn't be on my own for the rest of my life tyvm. my kids are grown and i'll have good times.

now you don't know anyone in real life to speak to, but have you got friends? can you start to create a social life - go to classes, book groups, etc. build your life around you. when he doesn't come back at weekend - don't you dare phone him.

if he asks how your weekend has been, tell him you had a fabulous time

I have a life custardo becuase he can be unsociable - it's just that I won't wash our dirty linen in public and I feel the need to share how I'm feeling at present.

didnt; mean to offend. gl

You didn't offend - I just wanted to explain. I really wish I could have a coffee with bf and spill but I just can't.

There doesn´t sound to be an awful lot of respect on either part tbh.

He tells you to turn he heating down

You really think he says things to his mum about you behind your back?

TBH, she can only "shit stir" if he lets her.

Will children be that bothered-they are teenagers!

I don´t think that you´ve "blown it".

Sounds like he may have done that by visiting prostitutes.

Completely agree with MrsBonkers! You're twatface of a husband is SPITEFULLY not visiting his children because he's pissed off at you.

That alone was bad enough.

But prostitutes?! Do you REALISE what he could have done to you? And to the children, FFS?! Syphilis can be congenital but takes years to show signs, and is becoming increasingly common. I would get yourself checked out if you haven't already.

You sound like you went off on one about nothing, but TBH that's what happens when you feel crap about yourself, as your CLEARLY do, (and why wouldn't you? you're husband shagged hookers while you were looking after your small child!)

Kick the shitbag to the kerb, maybe you and the kids get some family councilling (how do THEY feel about the fact that their daddy found his sex drive more important than them?)

ALSO,IMO prostitutes have little to do with sex - whatever he tells you. A man doesn't pay for sex because he's desperate for a shag. He could've bonked the neighbour or a colleague. Paying for sex is about power, and is CREEPY AS FUCK IMO

Only one who has blown it is him! let him fester with his mummy at the weekend. Arrange to do some stuff with the kids, they will probably have more fun without him anyway.

Funny, the prostitute i could forgive if it was a one off, but its everthing else that bothers me, he sounds very controlling. He probably likes your low self esteem, keeps you where he wants you. Tell him to grow a pair and get off his mummy's apron strings and act like a man.

bloody men

He sounds very selfish. I would let him stay away as long as he likes and I'd make sure as custardo said I was having a bloody good time while he's gone.

You may be menopausal, maybe its worth seeing your gp I don't know but if it is that he should be supporting you.

The prostitute - I don't think I could forgive that either BUT if you don't how can you carry on? Have you been to speak to a counsellor about this? Has he told you the reasons he did it, was he remorseful? Even then I really am not sure I could move on from that either.

I don'r believe in staying together for the sake of it just because you are married, we are married but we work at it, we don't treat each other without any thought and expect to stay married.

Not sure how I'm feeling at the moment. Have made appointment to see GP this morning - if nothing else for something to help me sleep.

It's interesting that a lot of you are picking up on him being a control freak. I think he would like to be but I am actually very independent and have a career. I am so tired though of continually putting on a brave face and pretending everything in the garden is lovely. On the other hand the though of selling the house (which I imagine I would have to do) and DS coming up to GCSE's, etc., just make it all so much more complicated. Have never seen myself in the role of divorcee and not many of our friends/neighbours have been through it either.

Yesterday I felt very scared - today I feel angrier. Very remorseful and sad though.

work out when dcs will get to end of education

start saving/putting money away.

decide what you want your life to be long term

plan for it.

dont let him get to you in the mean time

you only have to put up with him 2 days a week.

can you swap the GP appointment and take HIM to the doctors, can he not see how ineffectual he is being hiding at his mothers? Or maybe that is what his problem is, perhaps it is demasculating him (sorry my spelling is shite).

Be careful of chemical fixes, i was put on prozac for two years and it simply allowed me to stick my head in the sand, im off them now and the problems are still there, only a bit worse now because while my head was in the sand i didnt notice everything pilign up, but thats just me.

Do you love him? Or do you love who he was? If you only want to stay with him becuase you dont want the social stigma of divorce then you are in for an unhappy ride. I get the scared to leave bit, selling of house etc and you have my sympathy. If you love him, make sure he knows it, and make sure he knows that whilst you love him, you are not prepared to be treated this way and that it would actually hurt you less to not have him in your life. He needs a wake up call - right now he is using his staying away at weekends as a form of control, if you beg him to come home he has won. Its what he wants - even if he doesnt know it, if you just say, ok fine, get on with it - it will force him to bring this to a close, one way or another.

I think you Both have issues that need dealing with. If you want to remain married and not turn into someone you don't want to be then you are both going to have to sit down and talk honestly maybe even a counsellor. I think you should take this weekend to think about what you really want, it's possible your dh is going to ve doing the same.

This is a text I drafted last night - very late. AIBU to send it in the hope that he either realises the error of his ways and agrees to counselling or we separate.

"on reflection your life is only about you. As soon as we were married you got cold feet about children, you thought my miscarriages were tedious and my pnd a laugh. You didn't want a second child and my fertility problems were deemed worth a hundred pounds tops. When dd broke her leg you wanted her to sleep on the sofa which was too short because you didn't want to rearrange furniture in the dining room. Took her for a 1/2 term treat and took her pocket money to pay for her lunch. You didn't communicate when you walked out of your job, don't give a damn about your family. You allowed your uncle xxx to treat us like shit. When the DS was small you were using prostitutes and I had no idea. The children and I are worth a lot more than you have given. If you can't treat us better stay with your mother and find a woman whose glass is 1/2 empty because I can't stand the meanness anymore. I shall do my best for our children as clearly you don't give a fuck beyond tuppence on bills. I have tried so hard and I'm sorry you and yours have felt I should be treated like shit. Thanks for stealing my best years. You and your mother have done your best to break me. Well tough - the worm has turned.

And before anyone asks if there are money problems the DH was on 80k now on 70k.

The problem is I'm so scared of being divorced. I was going to say doing it all on my own but I do it on my own and have done for years.

He has a very close relationship with DS who will be devastated and that's why I think I'm still here.

Don't send a text, blownit, good to write what you feel down but don't send your DH a text that effectively ends your relationship. Delete it, have something good to eat, and get an early night.

There's no reason why he can't continue with his close relationship with DS. You deserve so much more.

dont send the text PLEASE what happened in the past is gone now. cant be changed. If you can, ignore him this weekend - then in a LETTER, not a text - write down about your feelings now, what you want to change, how you think that can happen etc. Be positive about what you want, no accusations of him being crap (which of course he is being!) it wont get you anywhere apart from a row.

Yes, the relationship with Children can be maintained, it woouldnt be much different if he did leave anyway considering he is at his mums all week anyway. In fact, from the childrens point of view, it might be better if there are always rows all the time.

I would wait to hear what he has to say, its not about who wins and has the last word. But have your list of "demands", things you are not willing to move on, things you are willing to compromise on etc.

Couple counselling to get past the prostitute thing for a start - you need to understand why he did it, perhaps he does too. He could feel less of a man because of it and that is tainting things now - if you are to stay together you have to get past that, you both do.

Please don't stay together for the children, my mum and dad did that after he had an affair and my mum could never get past it, she was a bitch to him for the rest of his life, which while she was justified to a degree (complicated backstory) it didn't help anyone, least of all me stuck in the middle of it all!