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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at my SIL?

22 replies

JoInScotland · 12/01/2011 19:44

My sister-in-law occasionally gives me an item of clothing or something, which she comes across while sorting out her younger child's things, and I always ask if she would like any money for it, or the postage paid. She has always declined.

About 2 months ago, she contacted me and said she had a waterproof snowsuit, a sleepsuit and a hat - would I like them? I said, yes we could use that, would she like any money for postage? After some delay (no reply to my email) they were sent along with another, larger, non-waterproof snowsuit. My son is 75-80 centile and though not quite 1 year old, he's already grown out of the 12-18 month waterproof snowsuit, which I mentioned in passing in my thank-you email for his Christmas present. We got a lot of good use out of it, and I thought I'd put it aside for the next baby, as we're TTC.

She replied, asking that I put the waterproof snowsuit aside for another family member?s future children (said family member is not even in a relationship at the moment) or send it back so she can sell it on Ebay. I find this strange. She offered to give it to us, not lend it ? surely? Why was this not mentioned at the beginning, if it was to be a loan? Surely it is now ours to do with as we please? I would never give something to someone, then tell them how to use it, or ask for it back so that I could sell it. So AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:

FrequentNutter · 12/01/2011 19:45

Maybe as you had mentioned it she thought well if you don't need it any more she might as well have it back?

FaffTastic · 12/01/2011 19:49

Seeing as you're not going to be using it again (not for a long whiole anyway)I don't think she is that unreasoable to ask for it back, especially if someone else can get immediate use for it or she can get some money for it.

If I were your SIL I wouldn't ask for it back but I think YABU to feel annoyed with her.

charliesmommy · 12/01/2011 19:49

Did you mention in your email that you put a lot of good use to it and want to put it aside for your next baby? As otherwise she may just think it was hardly used as you didnt have it very long.

Maybe she has money worries and is thinking of ways to raise some cash.

No reason to be annoyed.

MorticiaAddams · 12/01/2011 19:50

YABU. She thinks you don't need it and is finding another use for it.

Couldn't you just e-mail back and explain that you are ttc and had thought to keep it for the next one and then will pass it on to other family member when they need it.

Flisspaps · 12/01/2011 19:52

YABU.

Put it aside, then if you need it first use it, and if not then relative X can use it. You never know, it might fit your next DC in the middle of summer anyway, thereby rendering it useless to you once again.

sonnybeaudelaire · 12/01/2011 19:52

It's a piece of clothing. It sounds like you have a good relationship with her generally - please don't fall out over a snowsuit!

DurhamDurham · 12/01/2011 19:53

People asking for things back would usually be wrong but in this case I can see your sil's point. If you're not going to use it she may as well get some money from it. She sounds like she has been good to you in the past so it's not worth falling out with her over this.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 12/01/2011 19:55

yabu

you told her in the email that your ds had grown out of it. if you really dont want to give it back then ask her if you can keep hold of it for your next baby.

NinkyNonker · 12/01/2011 20:20

YABU

PigValentine · 12/01/2011 20:22

YABU. I'm sure if you told her you were ttc and would like to keep it, she would be happy for you to do so.

GruffalosGirl · 12/01/2011 20:32

YABU, I have been given both maternity clothes and baby clothes by friends and family and have aways asked what they wanted me to do with them rather than presuming they were mine. In these cases people are doing you a favour and saving you money by lending you things that they may need at a later date.

Would you presume it was ok if you wanted to sell it on ebay yourself? I'm sure if you explain the situation you will be able to borrow it for your next baby. These items are more like community property in our circle though, where everyone tries to get as much use out of them as possible. Does she know that you are ttc at the moment? She might not have asked if she does.

onceamai · 12/01/2011 20:39

Gosh - glad everyone else is YABU too. You've had your turn, you didn't buy it, it needs to be passed to the next person in the family and it (or something equally useful) will come back to you when you have your next one. It's called SHARING and perhaps you need to offer something in return.

Original poster

JoInScotland · 12/01/2011 21:05

onceamai I'll remember that when it's her birthday next. I keep making handmade gifts for her and her children for presents, and she didn't even send me a card for my birthday.

OP posts:

Original poster

JoInScotland · 12/01/2011 21:15

I have been given quite a lot of maternity and baby things in the past, and I was more than happy to pass on a large portion of these to people at the mums and babies group I used to attend, as well as the pregnant partner of a foreign mature student (who I met at an NHS antenatal clinic). I am well versed in sharing; that is not the point.

The SIL in question has completed her family. When she gave me the maternity clothes, she told me to give them away when I was done, if I wanted because she didn't want them back. Also, she did say that I didn't have to use any of the baby clothes we were given (and we gave her £300 for the clothes and things we were given when I was pregnant) and she wouldn't be offended if I gave away things I didn't like or flogged it on Ebay or whatever.

She approached me about the snowsuit, I never asked. I was not aware the rules had changed from "do what you like with it, I'm not having any more babies" to "Here is a snowsuit. Take it! When you are done with it, I will then ask you to give it to our (currently single) relative or back to me so I can sell it".

Does that change your collective opinion that I am being unreasonable? Fair enough, if you all think I am being unreasonable, I will accept that.

OP posts:

DurhamDurham · 12/01/2011 21:31

JoInScotland these AIBU threads never have a happy ending, it's nothing personal though. I'm not even brave enough to start one

NoLadyButManyBubbasAndBumps · 12/01/2011 21:36

Why are you so obsessed with this snowsuit? Could you just say, "course I'll send it back, though I liked it so much I was hoping to be able to use it for the next DC". Really not worth falling out over.

I've often lent stuff to friends and the understanding between us is that everything will be returned if it's in good enough nick to be worn again. Nobody's put out by this (afaik!!). If I've lent something I'm particularly keen on, I've said, when X has grown out of it, please can I have it back for the next one.

ValiumTinselton · 12/01/2011 21:39

This is why I buy my kids' clothes in tesco.

itsanewday · 12/01/2011 21:40

I agree with Durham! I don't think you are being unreasonable. Don't worry about it. Everyone always thinks I am BU when I start these posts (which I have given up doing). She should have made it clear at the outset that she wanted it back, that's my opinion.

delilahbelle · 12/01/2011 21:41

We have 'on permanent loan' in my family... Stuff is yours for as long as you need it, but before you get rid check if the original owner wants it back. Seems to work.

sunnydelight · 12/01/2011 23:09

Whether you are unreasonable or she is, is it worth falling out over? My SIL, who I had a very good relationship with, is currently not speaking to me because of something equally trivial (but obviously not trivial to her). It's got to the point where it's going to be a real hassle to try and sort it out (so I'm being lazy and ignoring it which is easy as I'm on the other side of the world) but I do wish it hadn't happened in the first place!

Original poster

JoInScotland · 12/01/2011 23:49

sunnydelight I hear you, I really do. My partner has suggested I say that I'll send it back just now so it doesn't get lost in the chaos that ensues each time we change over our child's clothes for the next size up. It would make life easier.

The trouble is, we keep doing stuff like that "to keep her sweet". We always have to bite our tongue and just go along with whatever plan she's hatched or however she wants things. She reminds me of "Hell"in in the Archers. Somehow, everyone always dances to her tune. Family traditions are changed according to her whims and reasons, etc. Everyone just nods and says nothing in order to avoid .. not a row, but bad feeling.

I know it's just a snowsuit. I know I should calm down and just let it pass. But I've also worked out that SIL is a bit spoiled in ways... which grates....

OP posts:

sunnydelight · 12/01/2011 23:58

Yes, it does grate, my SIL has princess tendencies too so I sympathise (though I do get a certain evil pleasure in knowing that she's stuck with MIL forevermore having always managed to wriggle out of having her for more than one night or over Christmas when DH and I were around ) Maybe it would be easier in future to just say "we're fine for clothes at the moment thanks" if your SIL offers again. Annoying though if it's nice stuff, especially when they are little as things are often outgrown before outworn.

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