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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to end my marriage due to husband not coming home?

22 replies

mrshess · 12/01/2011 18:16

A long one im afraid but want honest answers as im ready for kicking him out but need to know if im expecting too much.

Husband used to be a party animal when i met him and blow all money on booze.
We then settled down and he went out occasionally as we didnt have a lot of money but we were happy, 10 years later we have a child and have even less money but every time he goes out he cant just go for one drink he has to be the pissed up fun (annoying) guy.
He doesnt go out that often and he says oh i'll only be an hour im having one and comin home.
Anyway he stays out most of the night and never phones to say he is having more and never answers his phone which really annoys me.
I dont mind him going out at all what i do mind is him saying i'll only be couple of hours to staying out most of the night and not even bothering to phone.

Anyway we have had major arguments about him
doing this and the understanding was to let me know if its going to be a late nighter just a quick text or call

Cue today he has gone to a funeral of a friend at 11.00 and he said he would possibly have one drink and then come home

Anyway he still isnt home and im unable to get hold of him on his phone.
All i want is a txt to say hes staying for a drink but its the not letting me know which really pisses me off and the fact we have argued about this before.

Anyway is he taking the piss or aibu?

OP posts:

LisaD1 · 12/01/2011 18:20

He's grieving, I would cut him some slack - YABU on this occasion - imo.

Original poster

mrshess · 12/01/2011 18:22

The funeral is someone he knew from years ago but hadnt spoken in years.
I know he is sad this person has died but he isnt grieving as he hadnt seen this person for a long time

OP posts:

mutznutz · 12/01/2011 18:22

You're not being unreasonable at all...it's common courtesy to let you now roughly when he'll be home...to stop your worrying.

biryani · 12/01/2011 18:23

You are not being unreasonable. It wouldn't hurt to text you quickly to let you know what's happening. He sounds quite selfish and thoughtless-is he like this in any other areas of your relationship? Not sure if his behaviour warrants ending the marriage though.

FrequentNutter · 12/01/2011 18:23

I think considering it is a funeral it is a bit different. Always difficult to know when to leave a wake.

mutznutz · 12/01/2011 18:24

I meant to say, I don't think I'd end the marriage over it though.

schmee · 12/01/2011 18:24

It's a really annoying pattern of behaviour and you might want to chat to him about why he is doing it, but after a friend's funeral is not the right time.

My husband sometimes "dramatically underestimates" the amount of time he is going to be out and I think he does it because he thinks he is not allowed to go out for a drink or that I'll be disappointed in him if he does, when in fact it's the unreliability that pisses me off.

Original poster

mrshess · 12/01/2011 18:30

The thing is i knew he would do this today and i said if you are going to stay just let us know so i know whether you are having tea or not.
He also has once not come home at at all one night and i was livid he didnt let me know.
He doesnt do this every week/month its usually when he sees his old mates who havent got girlfriends and i think he misses his old lifestyle.
Im totally fine with him going out i just want to know if he is going to be late.
He doesnt see his old mates all that often and when he does roll in he says he wishes he d stayed in as he feels rough and hes too old for all that

OP posts:

bumpsoon · 12/01/2011 18:33

I wouldnt end my marriage over this but i would treat like for like ,ie on a day he isnt working ,say you are just popping to the shop /garage ,leave child with him and then switch phone to silent and go to a friends for a good few hours . When you eventually return ,explain that is exactely what he does to you so it must be ok ?

Original poster

mrshess · 12/01/2011 18:34

What time would you say was unreasonable to come home then with no call/txt

OP posts:

charliesmommy · 12/01/2011 18:53

You know he is going to do it.. and its not a regular occurence, and this IS a funeral where he is likely to be with lots of people he has known for years.

Its not worth ending your marriage over at all.. BUT he should show bit of common courtesy. Is he avoiding speaking to you because he knows you are going to have a go at him?

If you know he is going to do it, then before he goes out, dont make an issue of it. Say "look, I know that no matter what you say you will stay out till all hours, I dont mind that, I just want to know you are ok before I go to bed because I cant sleep otherwise.. a text will do, you dont have to speak to me!"

jumpforjoy · 12/01/2011 18:55

This sounds like me and my ex. He would always have to be the life and soul and get blinding drunk, no contact of when he would be home etc.

When we split one of his reasons for leaving me and our children was 'he didn't want to be beholden to answering to anyone and wanted to freedom to come and go as he pleased'

Take bumpsoon's advise and treat him like for like.... One thing I never did, which I wish I had.

Good Luck

ashamedandconfused · 12/01/2011 18:58

IMO its respectful to let someone know when you will be home, to stop them worrying where you are. Send a text if you are going to be later, why wouldn't you? If you have spoken about this before he is being disrespectful, or even deliberately making a point that you cant tell him what to do?

we expect it from our Dc, why not expect it from our OHs? its not that we are in control of them, dictating when they have to be home, its just manners

FattyArbuckel · 12/01/2011 18:59

I don't think its about being reasonable or unreasonable - if you want to end your marriage then that is how you feel and I don't see that anyone on mumsnet can really argue with that.

If he is regularly going out for an hour and staying out drinking all evening with not so much as a phonecall I do think this is unreasonable behaviour within a arelationship - but its how you feel about it that is important.

Sorry to hear you are having a crappola time of it

ENormaSnob · 12/01/2011 19:13

Yanbu

a one off can be tolerated.

Doing it regularly I would end the relationship.

DublinMammy · 12/01/2011 19:26

My husband does this all the time - never calling/ texting/ having phone on. SO ANNOYING. Like you MrsHess I don't have any issue with him going out - I am always happy when he goes, he is happy when I go etc but it is just a basic lack of manners that is so unlike him. It's like he is utterly blinkered on this point. I have tried everything - rage/ freezing him/ going away without telling him where I was going/ reasoning/ explaining etc. I have had lots of tearful conversations with girlfriends about it.

In the end he hasn't changed (in 12 years) so I have had to try to change my expectations and reaction. Now when he is out and I am going to bed I send him a text saying "I'm off to bed now, hope you had a good time, please don't wake me when you come in, see you in the morning". Then I turn off my phone and go to bed. I still worry a bit and then get a little cross but nothing like the massive upset and anger I used to feel.

The thing is, it's hard when you are as pissed off as you are right now but if you can try to accept that this is not going to change (and I know lots of people will think it should but it's just not) you might feel better about it. He's going to do it, you need to find a way to be ok with it. Assuming he is out for meals will help - perhaps after he has gone hungry a few times hi might learn a little?

Hope you're ok. Sorry this is so long.

floweryblue · 12/01/2011 19:32

Yanbu, but if this is the only problem in your relationship, ending it seems a bit extreme.
My DP is hopeless at timekeeping/letting me know what his plans are (and sticking to his original plan), it drives me nuts. I also do things which drive DP nuts. Neither of us is going to change, so we now make assumptions based on what we know of each other. So if DP is out/away, I ignore his predicted home time and just do my own thing.

Teaandcakeplease · 12/01/2011 19:35

I wouldn't make him dinner if he didn't confirm if he was coming home or not

Bumpsoon's advice I'd definitely try too.

It would drive me potty if my partner did this, it's manners.

amelem · 12/01/2011 19:41

Some men never seem to want to grow up do they? My DP does this-I find that I alternate between feeling angry with him and worrying that something bad may have happened when he is back late.Dublinmammy's approach sounds good.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 12/01/2011 19:48

Are there any issues with alchol? does he drink in moderation the rest of the time or does he not drink at all then go on massive benders?

I think it's the disrespect for the relationship that would bother me the most, not sure it's a make or break issues unless there is other stuff aswell, but I would look at seeking counseling to improve the communication between you, which would also show your (d)h how serious you consider this issue to be...

NoLadyButManyBubbasAndBumps · 12/01/2011 19:50

My DH used to be like this and we had lots of conversations about it. He's not a massive party animal, but after one time when he was still out at 3am after everyone (except for him and a woman who I didn't trust) had gone home at 11pm , I phoned the hospitals thinking he was dead (overactive imagination and didn't know at that point he was still out with someone else, just knew everyone else had left at 11). We then had it out and I made him realise how selfish he was being staying out of contact, and he finally saw the light and will now text me to say he's coming home late etc. I don't mind if he's out (I now trust him), but I do mind not knowing that he's safe, and I do mind being told "one more drink" and him rolling in four hours later.

Bumpsoon's advice is childish but good!! :o

tinkgirl · 12/01/2011 21:02

YANBU - although if he has been to a funeral today then he might have turned his phone off and forgotten to turn it back on.

I'd go away for the weekend on my own and let him get on with it. It sounds like you need sometime to think about things anyway.

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