Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to talk to DP about this?

33 replies

Changechange123 · 11/01/2011 22:17

This isn't really an AIBU but I really wanted a high proportion of responses.
Also namechanged as DP knows my MN nickname.

DP's DM very ill with emphysema. DP and I have only been a couple 3 years, but DM has been ill with this the whole time (not sure whether it had only recently been diagnosed when we got together, but I think she must have had it for a few years before really).

I'm going to use MIL now as it's easier to type.

MIL is still a very heavy smoker and for the past 3 years has been in and out of hospital. When DP and I were first together, MIL used to go out on daytrips and shopping etc. She would usually be up and about the house, and would spend a lot of time outside in the garden. Over this summer she was in hospital a lot more and always seemed to be getting bugs. She also had a minor heart attack (is that the right phrase?) in August time.

Over December she has steadily got worse and worse, she is basically mainly asleep. She is absolutely tiny as she just cannot eat. She is well underweight. Over the past few weeks she has been in hospital more. Yesterday she was taken to hospital as she was vomiting faeces.

DP has always said 'can't wait for my DM to be better'. I'm sure he seems to believe she will get well. She has never talked about the seriousness of the illness, and I think if the doctors had given her a number of months that she would not tell DP and her other children.
From my point of view I think these past few days show how bad it is getting, and I think she must be at the end stages.

I don't know what I should be saying to DP when he says 'DM just needs some rest', 'DM will be out of hospital and well again soon', 'she'll be over it soon' etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Changechange123 · 11/01/2011 22:22

bump

OP posts:

Hassled · 11/01/2011 22:24

I think you need to know for sure before you even think about saying anything to your DP. I don't know how you can do that - could you be there next time a healthcare person/doctor visits and have a quiet word?

But assuming you're right, I still don't know. I was told my mother's cancer was terminal, and to be honest I don't think the knowledge helped. Maybe it did - it lessened the shock, certainly, but didn't affect the grief. He'll still have the grief to deal with whatever you do. All it really gave us was an awful waiting game.

You also have to respect her wishes - if you think she'd deliberately keep it a secret, then it's her relationship with her children, her decision, and you need to let it go.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 11/01/2011 22:25

I don't know, he probably does realise but is in a bit of denial about it all.
How would you broach the subject with him though?

MirandaGoshawk · 11/01/2011 22:26

But he may be right. He won't thank you for telling him 'She's on her last legs' when she may still be here this time next year.

All you can do is agree with him, IMO. He's trying to console himself, not face the truth. Give him a hug and keep your views to yourself!

NimpyWindowmash · 11/01/2011 22:30

Surely it would be better if he faced up to it. I would respond to him by saying, "She seems really really ill. It is possible she won't get better" and see what he says. It sounds like he is in denial.

sims2fan · 11/01/2011 22:31

I think you might need to say something like, "Darling, I know it's not what you want to hear, and of course I hope that it's not the case, but we might have to face the possibility that she's not going to get better, and is very, very ill." He might just need someone to say it for him to admit that he has been worrying about that too but couldn't verbalise it. If he gets very upset and angry then stop mentioning it, but at least if she does die you will have already said that you thought it could happen, so that he can never say: "Why didn't you tell me you thought that?! I could have said goodbye!" etc.

Original poster

Changechange123 · 11/01/2011 22:31

I don't want to say that I think she will go soon, because actually you never know do you? But at the same time- he thinks she can be cured. But she can't. That isn't going to happen.

I don't want to sound heartless. I just don't want him to feel cheated if he just hasnt really realised.

We are meant to be going on holiday next week abroad. I asked him if he wanted us to cancel the holiday and he just asked 'why would we do that?'

OP posts:

Shakirasma · 11/01/2011 22:32

Don't say anything. He's not daft, he knows.

But if it is said out loud then that makes it real! Allow him his comfort of denial if that helps him cope, just gather your strength to support him when he finally has to face it.

charliesmommy · 11/01/2011 22:33

Sadly this does sound like the end stages of emphysema :(

I think you should get your partner to read up on the illness. My MIL has it, but still in the very early stages.

FrequentNutter · 11/01/2011 22:34

My father has had emphesymia (sic) for 15 years but he gave up smoking, and he still needs oxygen to get anywhere.

Unfortunately his mother is not going to get better but worse. To smoke is really bad with that lung disease.

Im not sure how you can broach the subject of his mother with him, she is obviously getting worse and she won't get any better.

doricpatter · 11/01/2011 22:36

I think you need to say something but not force it - give him the option of ongoing denial, if you like. So, "DP, MIL seems to be ill more than she's well these days, I'm not sure this is something she can overcome ..." and leave it at that if he doesn't take you up on the conversation.

I'm sure he must know, deep down, but if you're not certain then I think it is the right thing to give him a gentle prod. If he chooses not to go down that road then that's his choice. You just need to make sure he knows you will be there for him whatever.

Original poster

Changechange123 · 11/01/2011 22:45

Hassled, I forgot that feeling of waiting. Maybe I shouldn't say anything. But I do think we should cancel the holiday. We can decide the day of the holiday anyway, depending how she is.

OP posts:

curlymama · 11/01/2011 22:46

I can understand why you feel the way you do, but this could be a case of 'shooting the messenger' if you point out the obvious, ie that she may not make it. Your role here is not to confirm the awful thought that he is probably already having, but doesn't want to admit to. You just have to be there and support him in whichever way he chooses to deal with this, even if it wouldn't be your way.

It is not uncommon for people who know they are going to die soon, and their families, to never speak about their death. Even when it's staring them in the face. It is a choice that you have to respect, even though you are worried that not talking about it will make it hurt more. Which tbh, I don't think it will. It probably won't be that big a shock if it does happen, and if it is, well that won't be the worst of the emotions that your DP has to deal with anyway.

I really do see why you think it needs to be said, but I don't think it's for you to do and I don't think the time has come yet. It might be better for you for it to be said when the death is only a couple of days away, and for it to come from a doctor or nurse insetad. Maybe next time you are at the hospital you can have a quiet word.

Original poster

Changechange123 · 11/01/2011 22:49

Thank you everyone. I see now it would not be my place to say anything and it wouldn't be right. I haven't lost a parent, only grandparents and friends, and it isn't the same, but I had still forgotten how it felt.

I hope MIL is out of hospital soon .It's a bad time of year with all the colds and flu about.

OP posts:

Thingumy · 11/01/2011 22:51

He's in denial.

Just keep supporting him how frustrating it is.

Thingumy · 11/01/2011 22:52

however

charliesmommy · 11/01/2011 22:52

Does he talk to his siblings? or can you talk to one of them and see if they are a bit more realistic about how their mum is, and they could perhaps chat with your other half?

CountryDweller · 12/01/2011 00:22

He probably does know and is saying nothing.

My DF was in total denial when my DM was end stage (cancer). He went to work as normal and had to called from work to be there at the every end

Its some peoples way of coping. I myself have a tendency to close down and keep as normal as possible when bad things are happening.

All you can do is be there when you're needed. If and when he wants to face it he will, then your support will be invaluable.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/01/2011 00:28

When my Dad died I had NO idea he was as ill as he was...it was a horrific shock.

Nobody told me...though I had been aound him as much as them they all knew somehow..but I didn't. So when my brother called to say he was not long for this world I was literally in shock..it was as though they had all kept a secret (they didn't) I just never saw it.

Please speak to him.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/01/2011 00:29

I only just read what others have advised and I cannot stress enough that your DH needs to be let down gently.

Its not necassarily denial...if DH has never seen anyone gravely ill he just may not know what happens.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/01/2011 00:31

I was alost 30 when my Dad died too...not a teen or child.

WilheminaAteHer · 12/01/2011 00:51

Totally agree with Wimple.

hobbgoblin · 12/01/2011 01:04

I think I'm in the 'he knows deep down so don't say anything camp'. However, could you ask him something like "do you think DM will get better, really?" and possibly add "I worry that you might be convincing yourself things are better than they are, which I understand, but feel dreadful to think I may be promoting the idea that she is going to be fit as a fiddle again when I know she isn't by not voicing my own concerns"?

Blackeyeddog · 12/01/2011 01:15

Poor mil. It's a horrible illness, my father had it.

I don't think you should tell Dp the truth as you see it, and I agree along with others here that your role is to gently support him, like hobbgoblin says.

Original poster

Changechange123 · 12/01/2011 05:55

Wimple, that must have been so hard for you.

I've been thinking about this overnight and I can't tell now if it's denial or that really he doesn't know. But I really think he just doesn't know. Or rather, he hasn't thought it through enough to realise she could pass away at any time (although equally it could be no time soon). He thinks she will be here for years to come.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2