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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my sister to support me in my parenting?

10 replies

humanheart · 11/01/2011 16:44

and not go all quiet when I talk about the horrendous problems I'm having with my kids at the mo. not a peep - complete silence. I don't expect her to slavishly support me in every aspect like i'm the perfect parent, but to be in my corner, on my side - even if I'm getting some things wrong (or have got some things wrong) - who hasn't? she certainly has! but I support her, on her side, batting for her team if you like. doesn't seem to be reciprocated. she has never said one positive thing about me as a parent - never passed her lips. makes me feel like a total failure, like I've got things so badly wrong that she can't even say it. but that can't be the case - I can't be so awful that I 'deserve' all that's happened can I??
god, this is threatening to open up a can of worms that I do NOT want opened. stuff it down, as per usual - certainly has NOT worked if I've ever tried to work it out with her in the past. she doesn't want to know and omg do I get it if I try! it goes nuclear and is just not worth it.
problem always seems to be when I am alarmed when I realise I don't have her support - in any area - and end up spluttering something not brilliantly calm or non-threatening. she has never said one positive thing about me, ever. no, actually, tell a lie, she has said two positive things about me that I can remember. in 50 plus years I guess I should be grateful huh?

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 11/01/2011 16:45

Why are you seeking validation from your sister? There's more to this than her not saying nice things to you.

charliesmommy · 11/01/2011 16:45

So, if you are having a problem, and you say to your sister, "what would you do?", what does she say??

MankyPissFlaps · 11/01/2011 16:49

errrrm, she is your sister, not your mother .... not sure she is obliged to do anything. I have seen my sister twice in 3 years - arrangement suits me

FrequentNutter · 11/01/2011 16:51

I think sisters are like this, my sister is younger than I she has never said anything positive to me. Always has to be something derogatory.

Sorry that does not help. Not sure what to say, other than some are just not willing to give praise or support, they only want to take it.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 11/01/2011 16:56

Your relationship seems very one-sided

Why do you want her to say good things to you?

If you can recall her saying only 2 good things EVER then I think it's more than about your current trials with your children, whatever they may be (don't know your history, sorry)

And I agree, don't look to family to validate your actions

Original poster
humanheart · 11/01/2011 17:57

it's not about her saying good things fgs, but about her support - or non-support, lack of support.

i just can't get it into my head that she is my sister, we see eachother or talk most days (she's actually my twin), she talks endlessly about her probs, but when it comes to me and my needs - silence.

OP posts:
charliesmommy · 11/01/2011 18:26

how about you say to her "look, you dont help me with my problems, so please dont expect me to help with yours"

because all I see from your post is that she is offloading on you all the time, but isnt interested in your life...

cubscout · 11/01/2011 18:28

Don't expect her to support you. It would be a lovely ideal world if siblings always supported each other but that's not going to happen. Sounds like it's not even personal, just the way she is. Some people are like this.

My sister is a bit like this. Once ds was quite poorly with orbital celulitis which can be quite serious. I was telling her about this on the phone and she very sharply told me that everything was always about me and she was tired of hearing about it. I have not bothered her since! She is very caught up with her own worries and simply does not have the space for mine. Once I realised this I expected less and our relationship got better.

Original poster
humanheart · 11/01/2011 19:26

thanks - that's a help. I want to accept her - as tbh what's the good of not? options are: get bitter or accept her bcs the way she is is not a variable. I don't think she knows what she is doing - bit of a history of her dumping on me, like i#m her teddy or something (inanimate) and maybe I have to take responsibility for that, even though it was established when we were children. it's very hard to stop her when she's in full-flight about her probs tbh and also tbh its either that or nothing. I've tried nothing - too painful, and she certainly was't going to budge (what, say sorry? don't think so!) - and this is by far the less painful of the options (plus the less painful for the fanily). I haven't been well last few weeks (flu) and probably wore a bit thin about the lack of support re kids. though she is very kind in other ways and means well. just have to accept her. people think being a twin is so great - a fantasy that pisses me off tbh. she's a bit of a madam really LOL

OP posts:
Original poster
humanheart · 11/01/2011 19:28

take SOME responsibility for that - not all (martyr alert)

OP posts:
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