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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask DH to put me first?

24 replies

Ditablue · 10/01/2011 20:43

I'm currently holed up in our bedroom seething with my other half for once again not putting me and LO first. We're due to go and visit his sister and her new baby in a couple of weeks - they live 3 hours away by car. Our Lo is 15 months old and I'm just 3 months pregnant. I've had a bit of a rough run with MS and constant fatigue as is normal at this time. He wants us to drive up to see them on a Friday night after LO has eaten and been bathed so she can go to sleep in the car...around 7'30pm. We can't leave any earlier as we are waiting for his dad to arrive from France to come with us. I've explained the last thing I want to do after a long week/day is then get in the car for a three hour drive with no food etc when we could just as easily go the following day when we're all refreshed. We will then come back Sunday mid afternoon as he has work the next day.
He's insisting he doesn't want to miss half a day with his mum and sister and can't understand why I don't want to go on Friday. He just doesn't understand how tired I am emotionally and physically at the mo looking after LO and dealing with being preggers. In the end he said fine I would get my way and why was I still arguing.
AIBU in asking him to see my POV? I can't understand why he would rather have a huge fight with me where I clearly getting upset and flustered rather than be just a little understanding.

OP posts:

Lonnie · 10/01/2011 20:46

I think you both need to consider each others POV I can completely understand why he doesnt want to miss out on 1/2 a day imo YABU..

alicet · 10/01/2011 20:48

Is there any reason he can't head up on Friday evening with your dd as he had planned and you follow on the train on Sat am? That way he gets to spend the extra half day with his mum and sister (and they get to see your dd too) and you get a bit of a rest. Win win for all of you surely?

Pheebe · 10/01/2011 20:48

Are you doing the driving? If not then YABU.

Plumm · 10/01/2011 20:48

I would always choose to travel late with children because they can sleep in the car as it's a lot easier than trying to entertain them on a long journey. Is DH doing the driving so you can sleep in the car aswell?

theevildead2 · 10/01/2011 20:50

I don't think yabu, but I do think you are probably wrong.

If you go in the evening your daughter won't cause you too much hassle, you can (hopefully) sleep in the car youself. And then when you get to your sisters you can go straight to bed and enjoy the next day all refreshed and happy- not having just arrived after a 3 hr car ride with a toddler.

Pack a nice dinner to eat in the car sandwiches and snacks or pick up a takeway.

Hope you feel a bit better

PaisleyLeaf · 10/01/2011 20:54

Who's driving?
There's his dad to consider in the equation too - have they made this arrangement between themselves his dad timing his journey to get the lift. It might pee him off to keep up his end of the deal only to be stuck at yours overnight and not be getting there for another 12 hours or so - the time for you to have spoken up would perhaps have been when these arrangements were being made.

BelligerentGhoul · 10/01/2011 20:55

I think YABU (a bit) tbh. I don't see why you can't eat before driving on the Friday and the journey is likely to be no more tiring on the one day than it is on the next.

maktaitai · 10/01/2011 20:56

I think a bit YABU sorry. I like alicet's suggestion, would that work? It's a bloomin long way to go for 24 hours tbh, so I see your dh's point there. I may be influenced by the fact that I would always travel in the evening with younger children, i HATED travelling in the day.

What will it be like when you get there? Will you be able to relax, go to bed, or are you a bit on display with the inlaws?

abenstille · 10/01/2011 20:56

Id prefer to go Friday night to be honest and wake up on saturday all refreshed, it would feel like a longer weekend that way. Depends if your lo would sleep in the car though. Traffic would likely be better too.

karen2205 · 10/01/2011 20:59

Don't understand why you can't have food in the car and eat as you travel. And if he's willing to drive and all you have to do is sit in the car, I don't see how that's more stressful than doing the same thing the following morning.

narkypuffin · 10/01/2011 21:01

Could you not send him and your 15 month old off for the weekend and stay at home? Imagine the lie-ins.

Original poster

Ditablue · 10/01/2011 21:03

Thanks for being nice about this ladies - it's my first post on AIBU and was scared of the possible responses.
His dad has only just decided he was going to arrive on the Friday tonight - he was otherwise going to come on Saturday which would have meant we wouldn't leave until early afternoon sat - so he wouldn't really mind I don't think.
I'm still feeling sicky and it's esp worse in the evenings DH knows this as I can rarely eat all of dinner - so being in car at night is just making me dread the sickness TBH. DH would be driving to be fair.
LO still has a morning nap so the likelihood is she would be sleeping for at least 1 hour in the car if we went the next day.
I think my annoyance stems from deeper issues with the inlaws. We are always putting ourselves out for them and they rarely come to visit us. I think this is a symptom of me not wanting to put myself out for them and a day and a half is plenty IYSWIM.

OP posts:

alicet · 10/01/2011 21:05

Or say to your dh that on reflection you understand why he wants longer with his family but the pay back is that he geets up with your dd on Sat am and you get to lie in until you wake up as you will be going to bed later than usual because of the long journey?

I'd prefer this tbh rather than having to get up early on Sat. And second the idea of eating before you go or taking sandwiches with you.

I can see both sides of the argument tbh so you are going to have to come up with some sort of compromise. He is not unreasonable to want to spend longer with his family if you are travelling 3 hours away so find a way round it that means you get rest, either by following on the next day or getting a lie on over the weekend. Or anything else that would give you a break

Spenguin · 10/01/2011 21:06

YABU - You could sleep in the car! It's not like he's asking you to do all the driving, or any of the driving, is it?

However, narkypuffin is a genius - I would try and sway that result!

alicet · 10/01/2011 21:07

cross posted - ms worse in the evening puts a different spin on it so why not follow on the next day then?

Original poster

Ditablue · 10/01/2011 21:09

MMmmm a weekend of just staying in bed - sounds too good to be true. Would miss the LO too too much and the inevtable fall out from inlaws would just not be worth it.

OP posts:

GandTiceandaslice · 10/01/2011 21:09

We quiteoften travel on a Fri evening. Trafic is far quieter.
I know nothing about MS though. So I don't understand how it would affect you as a passenger.

Original poster

Ditablue · 10/01/2011 21:13

MS as in Morning sickness G and T

OP posts:

onceamai · 10/01/2011 21:13

I can see the OP's point actually. Mine would have woken up when we arrived and I would then have spent the next couple of hours getting them settled again in an unfamiliar environment. We would have got the car packed - had an early night and headed off at about 5ish on Saturday morning. LO would have travelled in pyjamas with plenty of packed breakfast on the way.

CarGirl · 10/01/2011 21:18

Could your dh go and take dd with him and you stay behind and have a quiet weekend?

Friday night traffic is hideous tbh.

theevildead2 · 10/01/2011 21:31

If you have morinign sickness just go when you feel you will be at your best!

monkeyflippers · 10/01/2011 22:41

Oh! I thought you had MS (the disease)! Relieved you don't.

DeeCeeDee · 11/01/2011 04:22

cant you bring a nice packed lunch/snack with you, then go to sleep in the car? and sleep on the way back as well? Thats what I would do, make it easier on yourself. I know youre feeling tired and irritated but there will be many other times youll feel like that and have to cope, with 2 young children on your hands. Im just thinking it might be better to look at it as time spent with your husband even tho it will be mostly in the car, and with his family! no point letting this develop into a bigger row. Hope you feel like compromising, then next time he asks if you say 'no' at least youll know youve done your bit in the past!

diddl · 11/01/2011 06:57

"He's insisting he doesn't want to miss half a day with his mum and sister "

Sorry, but chuckling a bit at that-if you leave early you wouldn´t miss much time as you´ll probably go straight to bed on the Fri evening anyway.

I can see both points.

It perhaps depends on the traffic?

But if OP really feels bad in the evening, surely better to get up & go early?

But then if OP would feel sick in the morning, I would say better to go in the evening as can go straight to bed.

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