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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have disciplined my 20month old?

25 replies

LifeIsButtercream · 10/01/2011 13:20

More of a WIBU really!

My DD is usually a really gentle, quite shy little thing, but has recently started to play up slightly so I have started to 'time out' her but only when distraction and asking has failed, or when she is aggressive. Have literally only had to do this a handful of times at home, eg when she pinched me in anger when she couldn't have her way.

We were at a playgroup this morning, DD usually clings to my leg for ages before going off to play. She spotted a little girl with a toy buggy (which DD loves) and went over. DD tried to take the buggy, the little girl protested and tried to move it away from DD, then DD pinched her on the arm and swiped at her with her hand. The little girl ran off with the buggy and wasn't visibly hurt.

I went straight over to DD, led her into the corner of the room, sat her down and told her that she is not to hit (signing 'pain', cos we do baby signing and she know what that means). I got up and walked away and she sat in the corner crying in frustration but not sobbing in distress IYSWIM.

When she calmed down (literally about a minute later), I went back to her, told her again that she is not to hurt anyone, got a sorry from her (couldn't spot the little girl she had pinched - think her mum had taken her out to the loo) and off she went to play....

..... a mum comes up to me, who had been stood a few metres away and must have watched this, she asks me "how could I be so cruel to my DD?" and says "she is only a child and children do hit sometimes" - I replied that I didn't want to tolerate DD hitting, and was trying to nip this behaviour in the bud before she gets much older and it becomes ingrained. I know that sounds very 'Supernanny', and I must be coming accross as an obsessive mum, but I'm not, I'm just trying to help my daughter see what is right or wrong behaviour. The mum tutted at me and walked off.

Confused! WIBU?

OP posts:

SparklyJules · 10/01/2011 13:24

I'd have done the same. I imagine most parents would have "had a word" with their child.

Even though we all parent differently, I don't know what this other woman wanted to achieve by fronting up to you in this way?

BettyCash · 10/01/2011 13:25

I think this is an, is she being unreasaonable? I'd say no - you did the right thing and besides, she didn't do herself any favours by couching it in such an aggressive self-righteous way.

xfirsttimemummyx · 10/01/2011 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BluddyMoFo · 10/01/2011 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sarsaparilllla · 10/01/2011 13:28

I think what you did was right, if your daughter is old enough to understand what you've said to her then you're totally right to teach her from a young age not to do that.

How strange for the other mum to say that, I'd have thought it more likely for someone to say something had you not stepped in

neolara · 10/01/2011 13:29

I would probably have done the same as you. If she had moved out of the corner immediately though I would not have put her back in. I think "time out" as Supernanny does it (i.e. stay in one place) is unrealistic at 20 months for lots of kids and likely to end in a whole lot of pain for all concerned.

MsKLo · 10/01/2011 13:29

Of course you are not being unreasonable! You told her off and had time out for her! It's nit like you hit her! More mums need to take your lead and tell their kids off when they do wrong! Silly woman (who told you off) should mind her own and I bet her little 'darlings' are bloomin terrors who get away with everything

Yanbu at all!

MarniesMummy · 10/01/2011 13:31

You are very, very resonable.

Discipline isn't punishment and you definitely disciplined.

Thie 'how can you be so cruel' mum will soon discover that the rest of us mums can't stand the mums who let their children hit other people's children.

If you don't want hitting you have to set your stall out from day one!!!

Don't give it a seconds more thought, she was wrong.

YABReasonable

Spenguin · 10/01/2011 13:34

I would tell the other mother to mine her own!

begonyabampot · 10/01/2011 13:35

Glad she was never at my playgroup or she probably would have reported me to ss. My Ds became quite aggressive on turning 1yrs. He constantly tried to hit other children so I had to shadow him to protect them. He got a warning - then time out in the hallway, if he still persisted in hitting he was taken home. 20mths isn't too young for this, especially for hitting out at other children.

Original poster

LifeIsButtercream · 10/01/2011 13:37

DD bless her sat there and did her time.

I can't remember now how me and the mum got into conversation, we'd chatted earlier in the group - I thought it was strange for her to say something, but it made me question whether I had been really harsh on DD and whether I should just expect that kind of behaviour in groups like that. There was plenty of other incidents of biting/scratching/pinching/hitting etc but I don't see any other LO's being timed out or anything firmer than a "No (insert childs name here) thats naughty"

OP posts:

iloveyankees · 10/01/2011 13:38

I think you done the right thing :)

My friends son used to bite my son when they were little (around 2/3 yrs old) and all she would said to him was 'you must not bite darling' while my son was in tears. He used to bruise him, he bit that hard. Needless to say he carried on doing it as her saying that ^was her way of telling him off

I think it's good that you are trying to nip it in the bud before the problem could get potentionally (sp) worse :)

daimbardiva · 10/01/2011 13:41

You were being entirely reasonble - sounds like a totally rational way to deal with the situation IMHO. If the other mum is that soft with her own kids, she's setting herself up for a fall...

MarniesMummy · 10/01/2011 13:43

Yeah but Buttercream they'll reap the benefits of that in that it'll take longer for their DC's not to hit if they've had a period where it was allowed.

Inconsistency tends to confuse people (little and big!)

I try to be careful to reserve time outs for the big stuff, you know doing each other damage and this was big stuff.

Sure children hit and that's normal, but it's norml for parents to let them know that in society hitting isn't acceptable.

Even if you entire play group don't discipline their children for hitting, they are still wrong!

Now, off with you to polish your halo!!

GandTiceandaslice · 10/01/2011 13:45

You did the right thing.
I hate it when another child tries to take away something from mine & doesn't do anything to stop it.
Classic case the other week. My child had a toy. Other child wanted it. Other mother claims my child should share.
Fair enough. Execpt the other child simply took the toy & threw it & then wouldn't let my child have it again. My child crying & the other mother saying they muct learn to share.
If the same happens this week, I shall have "words"
My child is 20 months old. Other child is 3.

allnightlong · 10/01/2011 13:46

YANBU discipline has to start somewhere.

MarniesMummy · 10/01/2011 13:46

So many spelling mistakes!

normal

and your not you entire play group

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 10/01/2011 13:54

I would have done exactly the same as you, except I would have head butted the other Mummy.

(Just kidding but on a bad day I might have mentally done that - she sounds like an idiot, and should mind her own beeswax)

naturalbaby · 10/01/2011 14:05

if it was the other way round, i'd expect a parent to deal with their kid pinching/hitting mine in some way - even if it was just to stop them and say no pinching. i get more worked up when certain kids are constantly grabbing/hitting/pushing and the parent is oblivious so the kid just carries on.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 10/01/2011 14:08

my ds is 19 months and i time out him for hitting. same as you, only a minute and i get a hug from him after (he cant talk so can't say sorry). he gets a warning and he knows what the warning means because usually it works but when it doesn't i follow through.

you did the right thing.

flamingpants · 10/01/2011 14:11

She actually called you cruel?? Those were her exact words?! Where on earth do these people come from??? I wouldn't dare comment to anyone about their parenting unless they were actually being abusive.

You did the right thing, it is important for children to be told right and wrong.

emmanana · 10/01/2011 14:14

Good on you.
You're laying the foundations of correct social behaviour for your LO. It won't emotionally scar her, but will hopefully teach her how to treat people with consideration. That's a more positive outcome than letting her think such behaviour is ok.
You do what works for you. At least your LO won't be running around hitting others when she starts school.
I would personally have told the other woman to bugger off you self righteous bagnot interfere in my parenting methods.

Pixieonthemoor · 10/01/2011 14:31

I think you sound completely excellent. If only more people were prepared to spend time putting in this kind of ground work then we wouldnt have some of the problems we face now. You didnt smack or shout - you explained what was wrong in a reasonable way. Well done you - I think that silly woman needs a slap!!

SkyBluePearl · 10/01/2011 15:13

You did the right thing. I also don't tollerate any hitting or biting and have firm but calm/clear boudaries. Works very well.

Chil1234 · 10/01/2011 15:22

YANBU. Maybe your sign for 'pain' looked aggressive to an outsider?

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