Childcare - again

[onceamai]

Whilst we are on the subject - I am struggling at the moment. Two DC, 16 and 12, full time job and DH works abroad Mon-Fri (not home this w/e because gone to states). At request of DC decided not to have au-pair this year now that dd is in secondary school.

But I feel I have no time to myself at all and work is tough at the moment and I need to put in hours just to keep up and this will last probably until this summer. Also because I work f/time and don't get home until about 5.45 (can be later at the mo) am refusing almost all invitations to go out.

Do you think I would be unreasonable to get an au-pair again or should I just, as my son would say "man up" and get on with it.

If you've found it helpful before and think it would work for you I'd say definitely get another au-pair !

My DH sometimes works abroad and I find it hard going without him. ( I know some people don't, but should respect that everyone's different )

When I worked as a nanny ( with DD) the family also had an au-pair and she was wonderful !
I can imagine an au-pair could be such a help.

As you've done this before I would think it's the natural way to go.
And you should be making the decisions, not your DS !

it's not lots and lost of chores though. it is looking afetr themselves, heating up a bit of food, ironing tehir own uniform and putting a bit of washing away, then just generally keeping things tidy.

my mum made the mistake with my sister (the brainy one) of never asking her do to anything for herself for fear that it would detract from her studies (she did that herself in the end anyway). mum is now the proud owner of a resident 23 year old who wont even phone the chippy to order her own food, she is currently on her second month in OZ, all paid for by mum, she has yet to get a job, even look for a job, up until sunday, mum was arranging all her accomodation from here.

it really does teens no harm to learn that they have to juggle work (studies) and home responsibilities (themselves). half an hour each afternoon wont damage tehir educations.

She is on her own! dh away, she works full time. If she can afford it why not get a help for couple of hours? Then they can enjoy the weekend. Also she mentioned after work drink.
I agree the dcs need to do much more. But she doesn't need to do more.

onceamai,

Unless your ds steps in and fills the breech your aupair left, he has no right to ask you to 'man up'. The cheek.

If it was your dh asking, would you give it the same consideration?

Could each of your dc have an allocated night to cook each? Not much of a burden for them, but would give you 2 evenings off. When my mum was doing her nursing training that's what my brother and I did. She also got a cleaner once a week which was a big help.

My older children aged 17, 15 and 13 all cook one evening a week and wash up one evening a week. For the entire family of 7 (including au pair who also does same amount of cooking and washing up). At the ages yours are they are more than capable of doing at least this and more. You need a tight rota. Your son is being an arrogant little wotsit- tell him no woman will want to marry him unless he has skills, which include cooking and cleaning. Let him do his own washing.

Boo, quite right. My mum's partner has a demanding professional job and her 3 DCs are very bright. She has always indulged them, does not make them do any chores, to give them plenty of time for their studies.

Last weekend, my DM and her DP were enjoying a rare night 'off' together, when DP's DD rang her to come back home because the dog had poo'd on the carpet. DD is 19.

Okay, they are a pretty exceptional case, but seriously onceamai, I think you can expect way more from your DCs than you seem to and I think not expecting more is going to have bad consequences in the long run. By telling you to 'man up', your DS is (jokingly) telling you to do more work to maintain the house he lives in. I would find that really offensive.

You have posted before about blow-ups with your DS IIRC, and honestly, I think you are making a rod for your own back here. Divide up the household chores, everyone does something small every day, and it will not be a big deal. They do their own ironing and cooking FGS, 16 is absolutely old enough to make a simple meal for two!! and your weekends aren't colonised.

I make it sound so easy eh

They need to learn these skills for when they move out - especially the 16 year old!

When I was 16 I had a part time job in a restaurant, where I learned a lot about cooking & keeping things tidy. I earned my pocket money this way too. At home unbelief my mum with some cooking & I had certain jobs (eg cleaning one bathroom) that were expected of me.

I still managed to get good grades and lead an active social life. I don't remember feeling hard done by at all. If anything I loved earning money as it gave me independence.

Remember also that kids/teens have bags more energy . I used to work til 9 pm & then rush home for a shower, then went out to the pictures & stayed over at a friend's, chatting til 3-4 am. I wouldn't do that now (well, not regularly!)

revolting that is exactly the thing my sister would do WRT the dog poo. she wasn't working alllast year and eventually mum and her came to an agreement that Dsis would hoover once a week and my mum would PAY her for it. this is on top of teh car my mum bought her, the insurance, petrol, tax, all her clothes and social spending aswell as her keep!!

Hi, OP I get where you are coming from, I too work full time with a DP who works away although not every week. My DD are now 11 & 14. When they were young I had a full time nanny. Now we just have a weekly cleaning and ironing service. I can take the kids to school each day and they catch the bus home, do homework etc. until I get in. Then we are out for clubs every evening and fit tea in somewhere. All chores are shared, eldest is a competent cook and homemaker, youngest is getting there. This does not detract from their school work as they are both doing very well.

This works for us, and I would not want an au pair as I prefer not to share my house (always had live out nanny too) however if this worked for you before I would go back to it.

Boo - good God!!

Plus, I think it is good for kids to have some responsibility - certainly in their teens if not earlier.

DM's DP's DD2 (phew!) has just gone away to uni last year and perforce learnt to cook for herself a little. She is obviously really proud she can, and great, though it is simultaneously a bit odd for someone so bright to be so at doing sth so basic!

At 16 and 12 they can surely make themselves dinner and do a bit of tidying up. Jeez when I was 16 I was living with my DH and had a full time job and looking after 2 and a half year old DSD! If the housework is bothering you maybe a cleaner would be better than an au pair, and they would also do the ironing. Do your shopping online. And MAKE the DC cook for themselves.

Please can I set the record straight. The DS has not told me to "man up". It is a phrase he sometimes uses and I was asking you lot if you you thought it would be unreasonable to get some help or if I should just get on with it. My fault - didn't make things clear enough.

The DC are pretty good IMO. They are generally quite tidy, they organise themselves well, they are extremely polite and apart from one occasion referred to by Revolting Peasant the DS and I get along pretty well and have had very few teenage problems. The DS is a practical and very motivated boy.

I have no issue or expectations for them to do more and they are both capable of cooking and doing the odd bit of ironing. I, however, am finding things hard going at present to keep things up to my usual standards, especially as I have additional pressures at work and am unable to reduce hours for the next six months which is what I would otherwise do, DS has GCSE's coming up, and DH is away.

Fabby Chick - I take my hat off to you but my time feels as structured as I can make it and I don't feel I can work any harder than I am working at present.

Agree with lots of you that extra cleaning/ironing is required but I also would quite like someone else around in the evenings from time to time to give me a bit of flexibility and we have had some excellent au-pairs in the past.

Could you 'share' an au pair with another family, so your kids don't feel that they are being constantly supervised, but you could get some of the extra help you need? I would also advocate that you get to do some chores themselves and maybe cook one meal each per week in the evening.
Although i think teenagers should help out, I also know that in RL that can come at the cost of a lot of nagging and aggro which is not fun to come home from work to.

Sorry once

I obviously misread your post. I just thought I remembered that your prev post about your DS was about him not doing housework or leaving his uniform around or something. Apols if that's not right.

Well, if you can afford an au pair, maybe go for one. My DP and I had repeated fights conversations over who did what when we moved in together, so eventually I just hired a cleaner. Problem solved!

You are clearly stressed so give yourself a break.

I think if you can afford to have someone there when your children come home from work then it might be a good idea. My mum was a SAHM until I started school, and then worked locally, and only 3.5 days a week. But the days that she worked she didn't get home til at least 5, and when I was about 13 I went through a bit of a teenage funny phase, and used to hate being in the house by myself. We had a basketball hoop in the back garden and if it was a nice day I would go out there and play basketball until she got in. Don't really know why (I was in no way sporty as a teen!), but I think it may be because I felt closer to other people, could hear the kids next door in their garden, etc. I never told her I felt like that, but she recently said that a friend of hers had been talking to her daughter, who confided that after she got her own front door key aged about 11, for the next 3 years she would let herself in, then lie behind the sofa until her mum got home. So I don't think it necessarily means that just because children are old enough to be left on their own it's the best thing to do. Of course lots and lots are fine, but some still feel a bit vulnerable.

Talk to your dc's- say this isn't working, au pair, or you do x,y,z, maybe plus cleaner? Could ds1 ' sit' for ds2? Don't fret over it, or you will run yourself into the ground.

Evening - solution - glad I posted because otherwise I wouldn't have thought of it.

My Polish cleaner who we have had for a couple of years shares a room for 65pw and I remembered her once saying how lucky our au-pair was. Have given her a call - she is coming around tomorrow evening to discuss moving in here FOC. The plan is that she will do a tidy through every day, her usual cleaning, the laundry, and tea on Mondays/Tues.

Job done - thank you ladies.

Onceamai, what then is your ds' objection to an aupair? What exactly is it he does not like.

Just the fact that someone is in the house or the fact that he does not want the aupair to tell him to do homework and monitor his TV etc (if they did).

If the latter, then I assume you are happy with him being able to organise himself, you can just assign the aupair housework, which she can do during the day. The rest of the time, she can go out or spend in her room - which if you make it clear in your requirements, I don't see aupairs having a problem with, especially experienced ones.

That way, you get the assurance and flexibility of someone in the house but who is not under your ds' feet.

Would your ds be planning on doing things behind your back? Just asking the question.

Sounds ideal, onceamai. Well done.