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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sit out DS for hitting me

33 replies

dribbleface · 09/01/2011 14:14

My Ds is a lovely energetic little boy (2.5yrs). However when both me and his dad are around he turns into a devil. Hitting, screaming, refusing to eat and general stropping about everything.

Yesterday I took him to see his adored GP's and he was good as gold, dad showed up and in my opinion his behaviour was terrible, he smacked me round the face at one point Sad. At home he sits on the mat for that type of behaviour, so I did this. My parents have since made it very clear they disapprove of him having to sit out at their house (i do not expect them to do it and to be honest they are not likely to need to as he is an angel there and at nursery)and in their opinion his behaviour is not naughty. He is their 1st grandchild and he can do no wrong in their eyes.

So was i wrong to sit him out, should i not do it there? I'm guessing the playing up when both his dad and I are around is excitment/attention etc and where possible i do ignore attention seeking behaviour but I will not be smacked around the face my Ds.

Fed up!

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 09/01/2011 14:19

If you think he's doing it to get attention, then I wonder if it's a good idea that his dad is the person to tell him off for this - showing him that he can't "divide and conquer".

sunshineleah · 09/01/2011 14:19

YANBU!!

You need to stay consistent with your discipline otherwise your DS will know that he can get away with stuff sometimes and will push his luck more often!

Of course hitting you is not acceptable, and even though it wasn't your house, he is still YOUR son, and your parents may not like it, but they have no say in how you discipline your child!

outnumbered2to1 · 09/01/2011 14:19

oh boy sounds like the terrible two's are kicking in.... I also use a time out for my DS2 (3) who has turned a little slap happy with his older brother and myself. So no i don't think its wrong but its about personal choice really on discipline and whatever works for you.

Realise this is not very helpful sorry....Sad

JamieLeeCurtis · 09/01/2011 14:19

YANBU, by the way

Original poster
dribbleface · 09/01/2011 14:21

Thank you

Jamie - his dad does step in sometimes but i wary of him not taking me seriously and only responding to dad not me. food for thought though.

OP posts:
Original poster
dribbleface · 09/01/2011 14:22

outnumbered - yeah terrible two's arghhh!! He went through a stage of massive temper tantrums at 18mths and i thought that was it Blush.

OP posts:
SmethwickBelle · 09/01/2011 14:23

I am a believer in time-outs not least as it gives you as a parent a moment to calm down too and resist the urge to thwack them back :)

So YANBU.

JamieLeeCurtis · 09/01/2011 14:24

I see what you mean, I meant specifically in cases where he hits one of you, the other parent intervenes to show solidarity. I've had to do that with my (much older) DCs when they are rude to us

outnumbered2to1 · 09/01/2011 14:25

dribble - nah tantrums at 18 months are just the first wave..... lol... My DS2 didn't actually start the terrible two's till he was nearly 3 soi thought i was getting off with it...... not so much.... he is the devil incarnate sometimes but then you get the wee sad face and the "me sorry mummy" after he's had his time out and you feel like shit for making him sit there - till the next time he headbutts his big brother or slaps me across the face..... Smile

SeaShellsDreamingOfSummer · 09/01/2011 14:25

Yanbu

They don't have to deal with his behaviour daily. It's working well for my Ds too (terrible 2s coinciding with new baby, doh!!)

JamieLeeCurtis · 09/01/2011 14:26

... and I've nothing much against time-outs - it suits some children better than others - v effective with DS2.
And as long as it goes alongside distraction, and prevention - eg making sure he's not hungry/tired - DS2 would have a personality change when hungry - no exaggeration

Original poster
dribbleface · 09/01/2011 14:27

Thanks all - its nice to know i'm not alone. Little bugger angel is asleep at moment so enjoying my peace!

Jamie - think we will give that a go as it tends to be these incidents where i have most trouble

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 09/01/2011 14:27

I think he plays up as he feels he has to share the attention with his dad. i.e you are not solely his then.

Original poster
dribbleface · 09/01/2011 14:28

oh god yeah jamie - he is a horror when hungry but then so am i! This was just after lunch though so no excuses there but was tired though.

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 09/01/2011 14:31

IME - 2.5 is a peak time for this kind of difficult behaviour. Then at 3 they start telling you they don't like you and you are a bad mummy Grin. You miss their little toddler faces though

Original poster
dribbleface · 09/01/2011 14:35

He has told me i make him sad after i've told him of and then when i asked him to say sorry said ' you sorry too for shouting' Blush (i know i shouldn't shout but my god he pushes my buttons sometimes!)

OP posts:
outnumbered2to1 · 09/01/2011 14:37

My darling 3 year old tells me i am a bad mummy and then sends me to the naughty step for telling him he can't have a biscuit. I try very very hard to keep a straight face but its difficult.

cheezyquaver · 09/01/2011 14:44

Time out is only one way of dealing with it, but you are right to be consistent in your parenting choice wherever you are.

However it may be worth looking at some unconditional parenting information & reading Alfie Kohn to get a different perspective.

SeaShellsDreamingOfSummer · 09/01/2011 14:45

Good to hear I'm not alone! TO is definitely for both of us-after he has punched the baby whilst bfing it saves us both a major row!

Definitely get worse if he is tired or hungry (just like he mum and dad in that respect)

Op-just nod and smile to your parents. My mum only had 2 well behaved little girls who never tantrummed (I don't believe that for a second but that's how she remembers it!) so sometimes judges, but I think she really understands why we do it after Christmas staying with
her! He is lovely but a handful :)

saffy85 · 09/01/2011 14:45

YANBU I know how you feel. My DD can do no wrong with her GPs either (my PIL). I know they adore her but wish MIL wouldn't say "oh no don't tell her off. I don't mind when DGD is rude about my food/snatches things/forgets her manners".

I bloody do though! Which is why she is still told off the same way she is at home. I don't expect others to do the same, but it would be nice wouldn't it to have a little solidarity from other adults. Especially when DD has just told said adult their dinner tastes of poo and I'm telling her off for that.

Original poster
dribbleface · 09/01/2011 14:46

Have read some about that on here cheezy and it interests me but not sure. Might read up, DS is so so strong willed not sure its the right approach for us but i am open to anything.

Time out is pretty much our last resort i give a clear choice such as if you carry on throwing the sand we will have to pack away but if you play nicely we can carry on. But for hitting i do tend to use time out. Will get reading

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 09/01/2011 14:46

Whilst we are recommending, another useful book is Playful Parenting - really useful for thinking about how to diffuse confrontations

Original poster
dribbleface · 09/01/2011 14:48

Jamie - thanks - diffusing confrontation is what we need to do!

OP posts:
onceamai · 09/01/2011 14:55

YANBU. And I would insist on the time out at their house and refuse to go if they disagree. Your DS has to learn that he cannot chose when to behave well and when not to.

cheezyquaver · 09/01/2011 15:01

I'm a great believer that the more tools you have to your parenting kit the better as it were.

I have aimed to follow UP as best I can with my feisty 3 yr old but I have also used time outs for deliberate acts of destruction or. spiteful hurting another or cruelty to the cat. Previous to reading Unconditional parenting and having a child of my own. I was a huge fan of the suppernanny shows and really thought she had all the answers.

Nowadays. I tend to remove myself rather than my child for things like frequent hitting. According to Kohn time outs projects a message to your child that you cant deal with thier big feelings, and that they only deserve your love, time and attention when they are well behaved.

You can dress up all these theories with whatver names you want-the chances are your folks didn't use time-out in any formal sense and therefore see it as a bit harsh. But they are removed from the job of actually parenting your child-its the grandparents job to overindulge I think.

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