Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

HUSBAND/FOOD/DIY

25 replies

Kitsichick · 08/01/2011 18:37

There's a trio to juggle with.
DH has been successfully getting fitter and dieting- to date has lost a stone. We went out 'to lunch' today and he had a bowl of msoup and suggested I 'just' had toast' as 'you are doing so well darling you don't want to put it on again' when I eyed the cupckaes. In fact I haven't been trying really- just been v ill with RA and also endo- with a hysterectomy scheduled for April. I was so looking forward to a long lazy lunch and reading the papers in the caff and it was all over in a matter of minutes! When asked what he thought he might fancy for supper so I could shop while out- he said'soup again- very low cal'. I hate soup! He then said 'but it would be so good for you and help you lose weight.' I am five eleven and twelve and a half stone. I am not fat. The final straw- when we got home he made a great to do about starting to lag the attic-I am then called upon to watch, admire. be a standby tea lady and if I sit down for a mo with the paper I get 'slacking are we? darling??' I feel I can't BREATHE around him at the moment yet he is a dear man and my family all adore him. He is just different when we are on our own. His ideal woman would be a diy enthusiast, slim as a blade and wear no make up. I hate DIY and owuld rather pay someone to get it done, used to be slim but now at 50 I am a bit curvier, okay....and I LIKE to wear heels and make up. Am I being unreasonable? If I try to talk to him he gets this giant toddler sulky face and says' you can't love me very much then, can you'! We have just pulled out of adopting from China as it was taking so long and it is breaking my heart- he keeps saying -of course now we are not going to have children we can just concentrate on each other' (it makes me shiver- how can he be so insensitive?) We have been marrieds 11 years and he is ten years younger than me.My RA means I am in pain a lot of the time and the meds make me sleepy so being comstantly geed up to 'do stuff in the house' is really teeing me off.
AIBU?

OP posts:

Doigthebountyeater · 08/01/2011 18:42

Erm from what you have said he sounds fucking awful. Do you definitely want to be married to him?

Original poster

Kitsichick · 08/01/2011 18:45

Oh Dear I have not done him justice. he is a lovely kind man most of the time- its just recently. When we met I was the £100k career girl and now because of the illness I only work 2 dpw while his career has gone up and up. So positions are reversed. Perhaps I am being too harsh on him. He makes me a cup of tea in bed every morning and feeds the animals before he goes to work and he has a long commute..... he is great with my blind Dad who has dementia- our life seems to have jsut shrunk to him trying to inprove me and when then I call him on it- saying he is not. He just wants 'the old me' back.:(

OP posts:

BuzzLightBeer · 08/01/2011 18:46

PARAGRAPHS might help if you want responses.

And he sounds like a twat.

Katisha · 08/01/2011 18:50

He needs to realise that the "old you" is still the current you and to stop trying to change you.

SOunds like you do need to nip this all in the bud before you start actively disliking him.

He needs to actually listen to your concerns and stop point scoring.

Original poster

Kitsichick · 08/01/2011 18:51

So sorry about the paragraphs. Did not realise this was a literacy improvement site.

OP posts:

Doigthebountyeater · 08/01/2011 18:52

I have RA too, mildly. it is really hard. He does sound horrible and you will never go back to what you were before. You are what you are and if he does not love you as you are right now then you are better off without him.

MatureUniStudent · 08/01/2011 18:53

You sound like you are trying to convince both us and yourself that you have no right to expect your husband to accept your illness and accomodate that. He sounds like a bully and you are being compliant. Sorry I sound so harsh but I think you deserve better. I am so sorry adopting didn't work out for you, it must be emotionally tough for you both right now.

Original poster

Kitsichick · 08/01/2011 18:55

I do don't I, matureunistudent. I've got a lot to think about. that's for sure. Thanks everyone. Even the paragraph corrector!

OP posts:

lizziemun · 08/01/2011 18:56

Add message | Report | Message poster
Kitsichick Sat 08-Jan-11 18:37:33

There's a trio to juggle with.

DH has been successfully getting fitter and dieting- to date has lost a stone.

We went out 'to lunch' today and he had a bowl of soup and suggested I 'just' had toast' as 'you are doing so well darling you don't want to put it on again' when I eyed the cupcakes.

In fact I haven't been trying really just been v ill with RA and also endo with a hysterectomy scheduled for April.

I was so looking forward to a long lazy lunch and reading the papers in the caff and it was all over in a matter of minutes! When asked what he thought he might fancy for supper so I could shop while out he said 'soup again- very low cal'.

I hate soup! He then said 'but it would be so good for you and help you lose weight.' I am five eleven and twelve and a half stone. I am not fat.

The final straw when we got home he made a great to do about starting to lag the attic I am then called upon to watch, admire. be a standby tea lady and if I sit down for a mo with the paper I get 'slacking are we? darling??'.

I feel I can't BREATHE around him at the moment yet he is a dear man and my family all adore him. He is just different when we are on our own. His ideal woman would be a diy enthusiast, slim as a blade and wear no make up. I hate DIY and owuld rather pay someone to get it done, used to be slim but now at 50 I am a bit curvier, okay....and I LIKE to wear heels and make up. Am I being unreasonable?

If I try to talk to him he gets this giant toddler sulky face and says' you can't love me very much then, can you'!

We have just pulled out of adopting from China as it was taking so long and it is breaking my heart. He keeps saying of course now we are not going to have children we can just concentrate on each other' (it makes me shiver how can he be so insensitive?)

We have been married 11 years and he is ten years younger than me. My RA means I am in pain a lot of the time and the meds make me sleepy so being comstantly geed up to 'do stuff in the house' is really teeing me off.

AIBU?

Original poster

Kitsichick · 08/01/2011 18:59

Thank you LizzieMum!

OP posts:

MatureUniStudent · 08/01/2011 19:00

Kits - tremendious sympathy for you but I kind of think, if you have to ask us on here, and then rise to his defence, that you really know the answer, as agonising as that could turn out to be?

Hassled · 08/01/2011 19:01

I can't really come up with a single redeeming feature, to be honest - being nice to an old blind man aside (but that's a basic level of niceness you'd expect from anyone, isn't it?).

Would Relate help? It might be a good forum in which he has to listen to you, he has to hear what you're saying - which is that you are what you are. And what you are sounds like a thoroughly nice, slim woman who is prepared to try to see the best in people and has been through some hard times - there's a lot to admire there. He needs to see that.

charliesmommy · 08/01/2011 19:02

Op, its a long post, and IS much easier to read now it has been broken down into paragraphs.

He sounds a bit of a controlling git to be honest. If he wants soup, fine.. tell him to have his soup, and you will eat what YOU want to eat.

Original poster

Kitsichick · 08/01/2011 19:02

yep, you are right. I guess I am sticking a toe in the water.

Or maybe a whole foot.??

Losing the chance of a family, looking after Dad and Mum and not having the job I used to-
of I am not married anymore I haven't a heck of a clue WHO I am.

OP posts:

BuzzLightBeer · 08/01/2011 19:02

I was actually trying to be helpful If you have posted you must want responses and if people can read it easier you will get more responses. Lots of people (like me) find it almost impossible to read big blocks of text like that on the screen.

RE your post... the bit that stands out for me is
"I feel I can't BREATHE around him at the moment yet he is a dear man and my family all adore him. He is just different when we are on our own"
He's great in company but awful when alone? ALARM BELLS! And trying to make you into a different person to fit his mould? DEAFENING ALARM BELLS!

lizziemun · 08/01/2011 19:03

No YANBU.

I would be ramming tin soup down his thoart tin and all .

I'm sorry about no longer adopting a child from china. He realy doesn't understand how you are feeling, can you talk him about with the sulking.

As for admiring his DIY when he does it, tell him your do that when he does the same when your doing the housework.

Sit down read paper have a tea and rest.

borderslass · 08/01/2011 19:05

Are you the same OP whose 'charming DH' called you a little piggy.

Original poster

Kitsichick · 08/01/2011 19:07

We did Relate about five years ago when we were going through the trauma of Home Study for adoption. It did help.

I am a very emotive person and he is a Reflective. I am creative, he is an engineer and highly logical.

We live miles out in the country and are quite isolated. When we married I was quite well known and I think he liked this but as my career diminished I think that respect has gone.

It is hard to imagine what splitting up would be like- my family would be devastated, so would the animals and his family and I think he would be upset too- the trouble is..............

being ruthlessly blunt- I don't love him any more as I can feel it is the 'old' me he loved and she won't be back again. Too much has happened.

How do you get started telling someone you want to separate? I am serious- I haven't a clue- what did others do?

OP posts:

MatureUniStudent · 08/01/2011 19:07

Oh Kits - as scary as it is - you will be just brilliant. It is so hard to loose the "married status" bit - but take it from me, a previously "happily married woman of over two decades, WI and NCT et al defining me", it is much better to be true to yourself, it is peaceful and happy and yes, safe. I would have never gone to Uni had the ex not walked out. And now I couldn't imagine a better future than I have now.

Original poster

Kitsichick · 08/01/2011 19:08

Borderslass- I am that poster, yes! Grunt grunt.

OP posts:

lizziemun · 08/01/2011 19:08

I think you probably need some councelling by yourself as your world has been turned on it's head.

You need to find who you are now.

Relate may help with you with your change of relationship with DH.

Original poster

Kitsichick · 08/01/2011 19:09

Thanks Buzzlightyear, your help was appreciated. I know I am tetchy atm.

OP posts:

Hassled · 08/01/2011 19:11

It's a bloody hard conversation to have - because even if you know you no longer love your partner, you know that you once loved him - you love what he was. There's no easy way to do it. You will need a will of iron and a hell of a lot of patience.

Katisha · 08/01/2011 19:12

Your family will prefer you to be happy rather than sticking in a marriage for appearances sake. Can you talk to them? They have probably already noticed changes...

The animals - they will quickly readjust - not a good enough reason to stay with someone who diminishes you.

Definitely get some counselling - you do need to talk through all this.

monkeyflippers · 08/01/2011 19:14

So sorry about the paragraphs. Did not realise this was a literacy improvement site.

Funny! Seriously leave the woman alone. The block isn't that big!

Flip