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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed of that dh's version of mid-afternoon differs to mine?

27 replies

COCKadoodledooo · 08/01/2011 16:09

by some distance Angry

He's a teacher, and has today gone to the ASE conference in Reading (1.5 hours from us). He left before the boys woke up, and said he'd be home mid afternoon.

20 minutes ago he rang, happy and bouncy as you like, and said he was just leaving Angry

To me, mid afternoon is around 3.30. Not 5, which is the earliest he'll be home.

He sees the boys for an hour a night tops btw, and never in the mornings because he leaves before they get up.

I did not rant or shout. I was somewhat frosty I have to admit, not least because I'd asked him to buy some ingredients for our tea (we normally eat around 5.30), and now I can't even start making that until he's home.

Gah. Thoughtless fuckwit. Still, as long as he had a nice day eh?

OP posts:
Original poster
COCKadoodledooo · 08/01/2011 16:09

Pissed ofF of course. Now even my laptop's conspiring against me. Meh.

OP posts:
lifeinagoldfishbowl · 08/01/2011 16:11

Mid afternoon to me is 2-4.

SeaTrek · 08/01/2011 16:11

YABU

It's once a year - he had fun and is feeling inspired!

egopostulosomnus · 08/01/2011 16:17

yep 2-4, by 5 it is evening, i would go for a 'quick' Wink soak with wine, book and choccies whilst he cooks tea

missismonky · 08/01/2011 16:20

He went to a science conference, in Reading, on a Saturday.

Hasn't he suffered enough? Be nice. YABU.

Makingchanges · 08/01/2011 16:21

My DH said he was going out for a few hours this morning at 8am - He was on childcare duty today cos I'm mid way through a masters essay - He turned up 30 minutes ago, after brekkie arguments, lunch time squabbles and dance class. I've sent him out on errands.

Hes going out again in an hour - I have got none of my essay done. I know how you feel

thenameiwantedwastaken · 08/01/2011 16:21

Ah, my DP does this. I suspect he may be deliberately vague about timings because he thinks I won't like the answer. 'I'll be there after 4' was an old favourite. At first I thought it meant 'around 4' turns out it means any point to 4:59.

Now I ask him what time he thinks he'll be back and it is all above board.

YANBU to be pissed off but perhaps let it go this time if he has had such a fab day and will come home all bouncy.

frgr · 08/01/2011 16:23

well mid afternoon is about 2 or 3pm to me

but your DH has been working, on a Saturday - he's only out by a couple of hours. i'm sure you won't starve if you get your tea at 6.30 instead of 5.30

be a bit more supportive, imho

if, on the other hand, you're really just pissed that he should be spending more time with DCs, then that's a different topic and i'd probably agree with you that in the wider sense perhaps the work/life balance needs to be altered a bit - but that's a much more complex issue and from your post i've no idea how realistic it is (e.g. is your DH the sole provider?).

Shakirasma · 08/01/2011 16:29

YABU. He gave a guestimate time of return as he had no way of knowing for sure what time it would be finished.

He has a hard working career and he had fun today, why p on his bonfire? You should count yourself lucky he is not a footy fan, going out to matches most weekends!!!! Or following England matches around Europe meaning at least 3 trips a year with "the boys"

tethersend · 08/01/2011 16:33

Grin missismonkey

UnquietDad · 08/01/2011 16:36

Is he really going to come home "bouncy" from a conference? It's work, after all. And it's not as if it's an overnighter.

Original poster
COCKadoodledooo · 08/01/2011 16:55

missismonky Grin

UniquietDad - yes. Really. He's just that kinda guy Wink

SeaTrek, I know you're right. It's just he said he'd be home mid afternoon and rang when I was expecting him to actually be here. I wouldn't be pissed off at all if he'd gone out this morning saying "I have no idea when I'll be back", or "Don't wait for me to eat" or summat like that. I'd rather that than no communication/being lied to tbh! That's what I mean Shakirasma - when it became clear his guestimate was a little off, I'm sure he could have found a minute or so to text me and let me know - that's not unreasonable is it?

Frgr I am entirely supportive of him, really I am. Just a bit miffed at not being given a thought I guess. He is sole provider (I'm trying, but I can't seem to persuade anyone to give me a job Sad), and he does try and spend as much time as he can with the chiddlers. Tbh this is probably the best week for the conference to happen, coming 4 days after the end of the holidays.

I'm not at all pissed off that he went - he didn't have to from a school point of view, but he's an NQT and I think it's important for his connections as much as anything else. In fact, it was me who told him TO go when he said he wasn't sure.

But if you make arrangements you should stick to them right? Or at least let the other person know in advance that you're not able to. That is what I'm pissed off about.

OP posts:
lifeinagoldfishbowl · 08/01/2011 17:45

Could the course have over - run

I was nannying for someone on a uni course the other day and whilst she thought she;d be home by 12 it was 2.30 before she got home as the lecture/course ran over.

smellyeli · 08/01/2011 18:58

That 'I'm just leaving' thing when you expected them home an hour ago does annoy me....

My DH is generally fab, but I completely understand your point of view as he gets stuck into work and loses track of time.

This weekend he is actually away for a lads weekend of beer and walking, so I am feeling most dutiful especially as I have cooked a desert for HIS work do (and am 17 weeks pg with DC3) entertained HIS parents and done the usual round of Saturday activities.

I know we shouldn't moan, count our blessings etc. - but sometimes it's good to vent!

GrendelsMum · 08/01/2011 19:03

As a scientist, he shouldn't be using woffly words like 'mid-afternoon'. He should have stated an considered estimate of his arrival time Wink

But to be honest, there was no chance of him coming home by 3.30 - I'm just back from the conference myself, and David Attenborough was speaking 3pm - 4pm, and the conference was still in full swing. I got home at 6pm and felt chuffed I was home early!

Next year, you should get him to look at the programme in advance and pick his events, and then agree what time he'll be coming home.

Original poster
COCKadoodledooo · 08/01/2011 19:56

GrendelsMum, he only actually went to the exhibition bit in the end! Spent 6 hours wandering round talking to folk and writing expensive shopping lists. I'd have gone had I known Mr Attenborough would be there, and I'm not a teacher!

Smellyeli, that it is. And surely his parents should be looking after you if you're pg and he's away? Hope he's not too late home tomorrow and you get to relax for at least some of the weekend!

And ftr, he knew he was in the wrong. Came home with an (unprompted!) apology for not ringing earlier, something for ds1, and some beers Grin

OP posts:
compo · 08/01/2011 20:00

I think it's nice he rang before he left
mine wouldn't have bothered
I'd ring a takeaway and keep his warm in the oven
but then I love Saturday nights when dh is out Grin

smellyeli · 08/01/2011 20:10

PIL's don't like to help interfere, doodle (sorry, can't call you COCK, just seems wrong) so will come for pre-arranged meals but will not offer any extra input for fear of - well, I'm not sure. MIL did comment that 'You've got a lot bigger in the last couple of weeks' (I'm 17 weeks preganant) which was helpful....... But I don't like to moan to DH about them too much as actually they did a pretty good job with him and they could be a lot worse. They are just obsessed with their own health and the minutiae of their daily lives - but then aren't we all to some degree?

DH has phoned and says he will be home by midday tomorrow! That is a lot earlier than I expected and I will wait and see if it comes to pass.

Sounds like your DH has redeemed himself somewhat?

peppapighastakenovermylife · 08/01/2011 20:14

Shakirasma 'He has a hard working career and he had fun today, why p on his bonfire? You should count yourself lucky he is not a footy fan, going out to matches most weekends!!!! Or following England matches around Europe meaning at least 3 trips a year with "the boys"'

Why count yourself lucky if he isn't doing that? I wouldn't accept that behaviour - unless I was having equal breaks too - and then I wouldn't need to count myself lucky Confused

macdoodle · 08/01/2011 20:19

Oh I am sorry, and I know comepetetive hard done by isnt the done thing on MN. But FFS get a grip Hmm, he works so you can stay home with your DC, he was doing something work related, not pubbing/lying/shagging/etc, he isnt really that late. Jeez try my life Hmm

FattyArbuckel · 08/01/2011 20:37

YABU
Sorry - unless it is a constant pattern that your dh says he will be home at x o'clock and is consistently massively late with no communication then this is not really an issue imo.

Are your kids quite young? Do you find it hard work being at home with them on your own?

Original poster
COCKadoodledooo · 08/01/2011 21:30

Oh Macdoodle, my life is perfect and I should never ever complain. Sorry.

Shakes head. Get a grip yourself - you've never been pissed off when someone hasn't done what they've said they will I presume?

Fatty, I'm over it now thanks. Ds1 is 7. Ds2 is 14 months - tbh I find it hard work with him, yep, because he doesn't nap and I don't get a moment to myself. Even the housework is tricky with him around because he spends all his time undoing what I've just done. But I'm not allowed to complain, because Macdoodle told me not to.

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 08/01/2011 21:45

Grown ups should use clocks.
Next time, tell him to be a grown up.

macdoodle · 08/01/2011 21:47

Just saying YABU, you did ask, and thats what I think, in the greater scheme of things, if he's a good husband, provider, father, worker, then yes I think YABU!
Its a few hours, if that Hmm

wayoftheworld · 08/01/2011 22:10

YANBU at all - I am in the same position as yours. My DH works terrible hours and when he says he will be home early to him it means 7.30 rather than the usual 8.30-9.00. It took me a while to learn not to raise my hopes high....

I suppose smb has to work to pay morgage and I have to be greatfull for his hard work...