..to wish I wasn't always referred to as the "strong one"

[KalokiMallow]

I think people mean it to be reassuring, but when I'm struggling really badly with depression/self harm/trich/suicidal thoughts, it isn't at all helpful.

I know I can appear very calm and cheerful, but I've had years of practice. Being told that I'm the strong one out of me and my DH just isn't true. It's just he has panic attacks and so his distress is visible. Mine is hidden.

I got told by the doctor that I was obviously the stronger one, and that I could help myself easier than DH could. I'm sure he meant it as motivational, but I just feel worse because I feel like I can't. And it's too much on me.

And the doctor isn't the only one, friends say it too. Do I have to have a breakdown before anyone will realise that I'm not coping? Because saying I'm not apparently doesn't mean a thing. And so it seems I don't need any outside help.

The only one who can see how hard it is for me to hold it together is DH. And he is struggling the same as me, we help each other as much as we can, but neither of us have the strength to look after ourselves, let alone each other.

I'm not sure what you want tbh
do you need your friends and family to help with the children ?
Sometimes people don't know you need help unless you ask

So sorry to read this. It sounds like you are going through a horrendous time and YANBU to find being referred to as the "strong one" unhelpful.

Were you seeing your doctor asking for help? Have you been offered any practical help such as counselling/mental health services referral/ medication? It sounds like you really need to have someone that you can unload to without feeling that you're having the expectations of others shoved onto you.

Also, have you thought of calling Samaritans if you have suicidal feelings/want to self-harm? - they will listen to you without judgement.

I really feel for you. I have different sorts of mental health problems (severe anxiety and OCD), and I am getting through it because I have the support of local mental health services and am on the right medication.

Don't let the doctor fob you off without giving you proper support. Unfortunately with mental health issues, sometimes you need to stamp your feet and make lots of noise to get them to help you, which is really shit because people who have mental health issues are generally vulnerable and find it hard to fight for things to help them.

Just remind yourself that you deserve the help.

I can completely relate to what you are saying! You do deserve to be taken seriously, your distress is every bit as important as your husband's. Maybe even more so because he seems to have support, whereas you don't.

Your doctor was an arse, there is no way he should say that to you. I have experienced simelar, and it is awful when you have plucked up the courage to ask for help only to be dismissed. It really is a huge knockback. Is there any way you can see another doctor?

What sort of support would you like? Is there something practical that you think would help? Or do you just want your feelings to be validated too?

I guess more than anything I need for people to realise that I can't be expected to support DH like they expect me to. As I am supposedly stronger I'm expected to help him find the strength.

Kaloki, I've only just seen your follow up post as DH has been hogging using the computer all day.

So when the doctor said this to you, were you at an appointment about your husband's problems, or had you made an appointment to specifically discuss yours?

I'm wondering whether you actually told the doctor just how bad it is for you? That you are severely depressed and can't cope? That you need help? If you did explain it in black and white to the doctor and that was his response, then I'd say go and see another doctor. If you were just there to discuss your DH and you were not totally clear about how low you are feeling, I would go back, making an appointment focussing specifically on you.

As far as your friends go, again, have you sat down with them to discuss you? Not your DH, just you? If you haven't spelt out to them how low you are feeling, they may not realise, especially if (as you mention in your first post) you are good at putting across a strong image.

Sometimes people just see what they want to see and will not pick up subtle hints. Sometimes you have to be really, really clear for them to "get it".

I know it's crap and hard to fight for yourself when you feel really low, but when you're not coping, sometimes you just have to make very sure that other people realise in order to get the support you need.

I know it's generally frowned upon on Mumsnet, but sod it, have a