Oh guess how my day went after lunch?

[Mamathulu]

4.30 - phone call from the headteacher, who's also my ex-boss, & ex-colleague - DS2 (8) was playing 'IT' at lunch time, it escalated into a fight, which resulted in a teacher trying to restrain him, whereupon he bit, kicked and punched both the teacher & the head as they tried to calm him down. Normally this is a behaviour that warrants exclusion, however he will probably be internally excluded, i.e. moved class. Whether this is a temporary or permanent thing he didn't say. But I (and the ex-p) are to go in to see the head on monday morning to discuss.

This is not the first time we've had behaviour problems with DS, but everything's been so calm recently that we all thought the situation had resolved itself. But obviously this takes the biscuit.

After discussing DS's side of the story with ex-p on the phone, I'm rather upset and ring my stepmum. Who then proceeds to tell me that

a) he watches too much tv/computer games & doesn't do enough sport or activities. (1/2 hour computer on Weds this week, and does chess, rugby, tennis, tapdance, recorder, choir, cello & piano - we've just cut out the choir, recorder, and tap dance this term as it was all far too much).

b) my toddler 'runs riot' around the house and stopd DS2 from getting any sleep - (DS3 has a dvd on to go to sleep with, but is switched off at DS2's bedtime)

c) I should stop DS2 (and DD1) from seeing their dad - fair point that he's a bad influence, but there's no grounds for no access or for restricting it more than I have already.

d) it's because my house is untidy - despite the fact that I had my 4th cs 4 weeks ago, and that DH spent 2 hours and tidied his room over Xmas for DS2 while he was at his dad's, - oh, ffs, there's a thread on p2 of AIBU where I had a barney with my dad this morning.

She also told me that I was a bloody awful child when I was growing up, which previously to now thought was my fault - but actually in recent years I've discovered that it was because actually they were shit parents who brought me up to feel that Christmas presents should only ever be useful and cheap, things like dictionaries and hot water bottles, and that one shouldn't have toys of any kind beyond the age of 11 or 12 (they took all of mine away). What's more, I should have not felt neglected in any way, shape or form when I spent most of my weekends amusing myself in the golf club while they played a few rounds. And of course my psychological make up and behaviour as a child had nothing to do with being sexually abused by my babysitter while my dad worked, nor with my alcoholic mother.

So, AIBU to expect my stepmum to NOT attack me and criticise my entire being when I ring up in floods of tears because my DS has kicked off at school?

Please go gently on me if you disagree, I'm rather delicate after today's shenanigans!!

Poor you.
don't bother calling her for a very long time.

Oh, you poor thing. YANBU.

We have similar problems with DS1 and my parents delight in telling me how it is all my fault and that I ruined their lives by being a nasty naughty child.

Toxic parents.

Why don't you ask the school to arrange for your DS to have some counciling. DON'T scream at me! My 8 yr old was a v angry frustrated child. (Granddad died, dad walked out later that week, bullied at school) I just saw him as unhappy and felt powerless to help him. By talking to his talking lady, she (OK don't all scream at me again) empowered him to understand his feelings, his anger, to rate on a scale of one to ten and then to put in place coping mechanisms. I am SO incredibly proud of him as he isn't an angry scared frustrated little lad now, but one who has taught me a lot about how to cope and the sweetest little soul. I know you have to be wary about councillors etc but they can help, by giving your son a safe place to express his anger about how he sees school. Just a thought and chin up, it sounds to me as if you are being a wonderful mother and I dare any mother to pretend that there are times in childrearing where you just don't know what to do for the best and needs some outside help.

Crikey, as rotten days go that is a corker!

Have a very large bar of chocolate and stuff her.

I read your thread earlier Hun, really i think you should stop looking to them for support because it seems they only put you down and make you feel worse. Hope things get better for you all

Thank you, ladies - DH came home early and made some lovely wraps for dinner and we had a chat about it all, so I'm feeling much more sane better now!

MUS He did have some counselling at infant school, last year. He was bullied in Reception and Year 1, and his behaviour deteriorated halfway through that year. It wasn't until his bad behaviour started becoming violent towards the TA that the school placed a 3rd adult in the room, who specifically observed him, and identified that he was being bullied. After that, the school got him some counselling, which I think really helped.

When he moved up to Junior school last September, I knew he was in good hands, being with all my ex-collegues who I still regard as friends. But when he started kicking off again at playtimes, I suggested to his teacher that he might have a SN, so I'm hoping that the head might now suggest getting some tests done. I think if he doesn't get excluded we'll thank our lucky stars, and hopefully we can identify his problem and get it sorted out.

As far as my mum and dad goes, I think you're right, LRS and JT, I'm not going to call her for a long time. Not sure how long that will be, but I need to calm down before I talk to either her or my dad after today. Without wanting to sound melodramatic, I feel quite betrayed by what they've said to me today, and I'm not sure quite how I'm ever going to be able to be at ease with them around again. I would never go as far as denying them contact with the DC's, but I'm thinking of changing the locks and ignoring my mobile phone for a while.

We had a history of far more hate than love all the way up to having DD1, when in fact they disowned me for 3 weeks when I decided to have her - I was single, 23 and a music college drop out - what an embarassment I must have been, eh?! They came around the day DD was born, but today, it seems they, well at least my DSM, at least, has shown me that she's actually hated me all this time. After all, what better time to tell your DD that she's a shit mother than the day her son is threatened with exclusion?

Good job I don't fall for that shite any more, eh?

OMG you rang for support and got that, I really feel for you.

Have a chat with your son and ask him what is causing him to react in the way he does, are there some deep seated issues you are not aware of?

I hope you manage to get it sorted.

is this the same stepmum who had a go about how messy the house was and was doing school runs for you twice a week?

I thought they sounded a bit toxic yesterday, but this takes the biscuit!

Concentrate on your family - you, your partner and children. Ignore those that aren't helpful. Be gentle on yourself :)

Honey, I know you say you don't fall for that shit, and tbh, I'll be wiling to be that with that tirade of crap being spewed from your SM mouth that you were like a rabbit caught in the headlights, but you really don't have to be spoken to like that, by anyone.

If you ever get caught up on a call like that again, hang up. They have no right to pile that load of crap onto you, not on a day like that.

She has now shown her true colours, she is harmful, and the opposite of what you need in your life.

I saw your other thread too where your dad was ranting about your flat etc... Treat him with the same disdain.

If they have unfettered access to your home, do change your locks and yes, ignore the mobile, take a break, you have more important things to focus on than this horrid paid.

Hope your son manages to get some help and can settle down again.

I can't describe my feelings of thanks here, but you've all made me feel a huge relief, and so much better, thank you so much.

I shall certainly talk to DS about it all, but he went straight to his dad's after school and won't be back until Sunday. I'm certainly not going to shout at him, but hopefully we can talk about how serious this could be.

Obviously I'm worried that if they do decide to exclude him, that there won't be any spaces in any of the other local primaries, or, worse still, they might suggest he attends the behavioural school in a nearby town.

Not a lot else to do but have a go driving the new (to us!) van so I can get us all there on Monday and don't have to rely on DSM and DF to get us all to school.

Thank you for your kind words, I truly appreciate it.

They cannot permanently exclude him for this. Don't worry about that. Excluding a child takes a lot of paperwork and evidence, and according to the new White Paper, the school will bear the responsibility of the costs ( and results) of his education even though he is educated elsewhere. They don't want to do this.

If they suggest the behavioural unit, it will only be a short interim period.

Seriously, it doesn't warrant exclusion. And if they go that path, you have a right to appeal.

Sorry you had such an awful day.

Oh, and don't call your stepmother.

Is there a Learning Mentor at the school who could work with your son regarding assertiveness to help him deal with the bullying? Or could he move classes?

The head said on the phone that they probably won't exclude him, but will probably internally exclude him. I can't remember the behaviour policy very well now - it was a few years ago I worked there, but I think it means they'll move him into a different class, which is gutting because his teacher was a good friend of mine who also taught DD for a year. And the class was in a good position within the school, very central, lots of windows and light, a resource room next door.
I'm a bit worried about whose class he may end up in - there are some teachers in Yr 3 who I think might not relate well with DS, but I guess we'll see on Monday. There are 5 other potential classes so quite a choice for the head.

I do worry that he's going to have to make friends yet again. We had to move him into a different class at infant school to get him away from the bully. I'm also worried that it may be the same little fuckwit bully again that's wound him up - and his mother works in the school reception. In fact, her presence there was a minor influence in me not returning to the school after my maternity leave, (along with the shite pay that wouldn't have covered the child care bill)!

The school does have some brilliant resources because it's such a big school, a full time SENCO and a room dedicated to the use of social development, SN, social services, the psychologist etc. so I'm certain they'll do something to help him. So I'm probably a lot less worried than a parent who hadn't worked in the school would be! :)