Are dp and I BU to consider him working in London during the week and just coming home at the weekends?

[MilaMae]

We live in a lovely place miles away from London,good schools,expensive housing,near family ,kids settled etc.

The pay down here is crap though and in dp's line of work he'd get double in London. He's just seen a fantastic job that he's very well suited for and we're considering it.

Would the dc really suffer though,would it be a nightmare for dp?

Do lots of families do this?

If anybody does this advice on accommodation etc would be gratefully received.

TIA

If the pay's double and your dc are 6 and 7 why can't you try it for 6 to 12 months and then relocate with dp.

My DH works in Europe Mon-Fri and has for more than two years now. I also work full-time and we manage OK - often it feels like one less to look after. The DC are absolutely fine about it but they are 16 and 12. Have to say though, if they would board I would be in Europe with DH and come home for the hols. One of the reasons I work full time is because I would get lonely at home.

TBH when the DC were smaller, DH was working so hard and such long hours that they often didn't see much of him Mon-Fri anyway. At least this way he can't nip to the office on a Saturday!

My dad sis this when I was a teenager - it worked well for us as mum and I got really close (I was always a daddy's girl before). Dad got a bit porky from eating too many curries and I think he found it hard coming home at the weekend and slotting back in as Mum and I ran the household (he'd been a traditional head of the house before this), but we all adjusted.

Renting is expensive in London, for a flat alone you have to be looking at over 1k a month, in a room in a shared house more than likely 200 a week.

He has bills on top of that too.

Could you get a 2nd mortgage to buy another place for him to live in the week his own pad.

Did not sis. Ooops.

I think only you know whether this would work for you. DH was away a lot when my two were tiny - in many ways it worked rather well. I was able to run things with military precision in his absence and get lots of early nights which I needed. Don't underestimate how annoying it can be though when dh returns and rides a coach and horses through your lovely routines. I think if you are going to feel resentful that he's living it up all week, living the single life (even if the reality is far from that) and expect him to take over when he gets back then it could potentially put a huge strain on your relationship and lead to all kinds of rows. My Dad did this for a year while I was doing my O levels - but that for a very fixed period (we moved the day after my last exam!). I think as a long-term, permanent arrangement it would be a bit soul destroying to essentially lead separate lives - you in your lovely house and him in his sad little bedsit. I also wouldn't underestimate the cost of living in London, unless he has a friend he can stay with.

FabbyChic, you are right rents are very expensive if he wanted his own flat, there are ways to make them cheaper though, as I suggested you can rent a room in someone's house (more a lodger than a houseshare if you see what I mean), there are loads of ads on Gumtree or mondaytofriday.com. Alternatively, do you know anyone in London who might like a second income and to rent a room out? Finally, as someone else has said, b and b's can be quite good in the short term if you are a regular customer. Anywhere where you have to pay your own bills and council tax starts to get very expensive.

But I'm guessing you are not so worried about the financial side...

We do it (DH not based full time in another city, but is a mgt consultant so can effectively be anywhere on a weekday) and it's ok for us. But he has had this job as long as I've known him, so I suppose I knew what I was signing up for.
As chrisrobin said, I often feel like the housekeeper and nanny rather than wife and get a bit resentful but. Big but. We have a very comfortable life, he is extremely happy and fulfilled professionally and we have a strong and trusting relationship - speak and email several times a day etc.
DS has never known anything different. He gets a bit upset, especially after holidays when he's had two weeks of daddy-time - but after a day or so gets back into the routine again. And really enjoys our family weekends. DH takes annual leave to go to Nativity etc because that's important to him - ends up with ridiculous travel arrgts as a result, but sobeit.
Contracting isn't only a matter of whether jobs keep coming up - also there is no sick pay. Also think travellodge is a BAD option. It is miserable living out of a suitcase, eating restaurant food, just watching Telly in your room/going to the bar every night - I'd always get a room. Not sure how the costs compare, but the life in a hotel is just awful.
Only you know your children - I know mine can cope, but also know others who would find it far harder. Not sure if that helps!

i used to work in IT consultancy in HR role. The divorce rate amoungst the mobile consultants was very high - they got used to the bachelor lifestyle during the week. Down the pub. plenty of cash to splash. Dinner out. there were a lot of shennanigans amoungst the consultants on client site...many an affair.

WHen DH's came home of a weekend, they wanted domestic bliss, honeymoon sex, pipe and slippers and freshly scrubbed well behaved kids. ANd lie ins! The wives, having been trapped at home all week, wanted to go out on the town. To have 5 minutes peace. to have a life. INstead, they would have to organise laundry, family visits etc etc.

If you have supportive family nearby that can help with the kids, I think that its more workable.

However, I was at home working wifey for years while kids were small. (DH worked abroad 10 days, home 4). No family nearby. The stress was immense - everything falls on you to organise.

Kids sick...you take time off work to take care of them. By end of the year, DH has 3 weeks leave to take, and you have no time left as you have used it all on sick kids and dentist appointments and school plays and organising the day to day stuff of family life.

DH would come home exhausted and would try to "manage" the household. How he thought I did it all week without is supervisory skills, I'll never know!

we all felt we were in competition to get his attentions - kids, me, dog, his folks.

It really isn't easy, and the money, while handy, does not compensate for the lack of support and companionship.

For example, one snowy night, around 10:30pm DS had an asthma attack - I had to wake the other two kids, load them to the car, (find some screen wash for the wipers), drive to hospital, deal with three exhausted kids in the waiting room, one of whom was struggling to breathe, bring them all home 3 hours later....NIGHTMARE. And then explain to work why I couldn't come in because kids were shattered and couldn't go to school.

think carefully about your own carer, your needs, and how much support you can get from family.

My family did this for a while when I was 16 (sister 18, brothers 13 and 7); my father was offered a temporary position covering someone on maternity leave for a six month period. He would travel to work in Worthing on a Sunday evening and return to us in Cambridge on a Friday afternoon.

It was hard for my mum and brothers, not because my parents were insecure in their relationship or didn't trust one another, just because we all missed him and he missed us. And my mum found it hard to be, in terms of logistics, a single parent during the week; no popping out to the shop without having to take the little one with her (elder sister was at uni, I was at boarding school, so couldn't babysit), etc. And - though this is more to do with our ages tbh so may not be an issue for you - my sister was starting uni, I was starting boarding, and my father was away all week, all at the same time. It was very hard for her.

Having said that, I was at school in Brighton, my sister was at uni at Sussex, at my father's job was in Worthing. So actually we were nearer than we would have been had we all still lived in Cambridge and did see him more than we would have been able to had he still been at home.

I wouldn't say we were traumatised by it or that it was a horrible experience. We all just missed one another, really, and we would have done anyway because I was at school and DSis was at uni, dad being away just added to it. It was tough but not horrible.

Incidentally, the woman he was covering for ended up not returning to work so my father was offered the position permanently, at which point the family moved down to the South Coast anyway.

If it were me, I'd say if it's temporary or there's an agreed 'trial period', it's worth doing. However, if there's no end in sight, personally I wouldn't want to.

My father did this, working abroad 3-5 days every week. Often arriving home Friday evening and spending Sunday afternoon-evening under pressure to get everything ready so that he could travel abroad again Monday morning.

It put the family under enormous pressure. I used to feel terribly confused and guilty that I did not look forward to weekends, when my dad was at home, because they could get very stressful. I think mum felt she was a single parent during the week, taking full responsibility for everything, and she looked forward to dad's return so that he could shoulder some of the responsibility; whereas dad felt isolated and unsupported during the week, with the responsibilities of his work entirely resting upon him, and looked forward to coming home to some down-time, resting in the comfort of his family.

After I had dc of my own, I asked my dad about his travel, and how there had always been talk of us going to live abroad for a year or two but it never happened. My dad says he now regrets choosing to commute abroad instead of moving the whole family. At the time he thought that (a) the continuity of our education was paramount, and (b) the excellent salary he was earning was worth the travel. He believes this was a mistake. That our education would not have been compromised, if anything it would probably have been enhanced, and that the salary was not worth the pressure the family was put under, particularly my mum.

So there you are, one viewpoint. Something to bear in mind regarding what you all expect out of the arrangement.

Dh sort of does this. He leaves on a Tuesday and comes back on a friday night. We live in Staffordshire.

He doens't work in central London but has to cross it on the train to get to work. He has stayed in a place called Atini Guest House in Croydon. It is very cheap and basic but cheerful, clean and friendly it costs around £30-40 a night depending on the time of year.

The hardest part was he used to leae at 3am in the early hours of Wednesday morningin order to try and spend Tuesday night at home. He has now decided to stop doing that as he no longer works Mondays (He used to work on Monday elsewhere and we search for cheap train deals.

The children do miss him but he has always left the house early in the morning and got back late anyway.

My dh worked away Mon-Fri for 2 years. In that time we had our 4th child.

I found it easier during the week with regards to routines etc. I knew that I had to do it all and no one was about to turn up and help with bedtime. The children knew what had to happen and when.

I struggled with clubs though - all the running one child here and one there - especially when I had a new baby in tow.

It sucked having limited social life during the week, but a few of us in the same boat used to make Sunday night our girls night and go out together.

There are pros and cons but all I can add is that 12mths ago he started a new job and we followed him to Corwnall in April to all lve together as a family.

Incidentally myDad used to do this too as a child. He worked in the construction industry and it was common to lodge away Mon-Fri.

Weekends used to be special. In fact he made more of an effort with us when he worked away and we saw more of him than when he worked locally and he used to go out after work with his mates to the pub!

We do this as I don't want to move every two years to follow my husband around as he is the Army. It means my son has a stable place to grow up in and we are around family. It also means my mum can do our childcare for the moment which is obviously saving us money and has allowed us to buy our own place. I'm very lucky though as when my husband comes home at the weekend I don't do much as he cooks, cleans and lets me have a lie in . Also him not living here means that he can work late and not feel guilty about not getting home at a normal time. We skype a lot too when he is in the UK. I think that now with all the fab technology around it isn't as bad as years ago as staying in contact is so much easier.

We do this as in London we'd have a shoebox of a house and I'd be blooming miserable because I hate London. For the same cost as a crappy 1 bed apartment on the outskirts of London, we have a 5 bed house here. Some friends from London were here for New Year and the husband kept on saying to his wife "We should do this - think of what we could buy!"

The time apart is great because it means DH can concentrate on doing really well in his job without worrying that I'm going to be pissed off he's not home to help with kid's bedtime etc. I secretly like it because it means one less person in the house and it's easier on me in terms of mess/meals/what I say goes!

The time together is great because everyone makes an effort to be nice to one another, which I like not just because people are nice to me but because it feels special to be doing something nice for someone else too.

Drawbacks are definitely there though - I'd not do it if you were the particularly jealous sort or if you didn't have a good support network of grandparents/babysitters at home. Sometimes you do feel a bit peeved when DH says he's not at home a particular weekend because of work, but it almost always evens out that he's here another few days during the week. Not all jobs are that flexible though.

My Dad did this all through my childhood, although it was through necessity not choice. He didn't pay for accommodation but even the travel costs were considerable and train fares have gone up a lot since then.

None of us ever really knew any different so it all seemed fairly normal at the time. I think it's only now he gets to spend time with my DS that my Dad realises how much he missed out on.

Have you explored any other options? Do you have a career which would be hard to leave? I'd be more tempted to consider moving the whole family while the DC are still at a stage when moving schools wouldn't be too traumatic.

Am intrigued becasuse of your childrens ages.
Dh started his dream job last week. Before his job was 10minutes away, eh could pop home at lunchtime and it was him who dropped ds1 at before-school-club, and picked him up, on the 2 days I worked.
He left home at 7.45, dropped ds1 off and was at work for 8. finished at 5, picked ds1 up at 5.10 and was home for 5.20.

Now he leaves at 7.15am. stilll gets both boys up and dressed, but its earler. tonight he wasn't home till 7pm and ds2 was in bed.

And he will be off travelling for 7-10 days to Toronto, LA, California and Sweden. I am so jealous. He will prob miss my birthday and ds1's birthday, in a few weeks time.

nd DS1(7) And ds2(2) are HIGHLY unimpressed at all of this. talking all the time about how they miss daddy.
And its only been a week. But they have been blessed with having a General Manager who was home all the time. No more.
How do you think your kids will feel about it all ?

Depends whats important to you. each of you. I would rather my dh earnt 15k less and was home by 6pm every day.
No amount of money , and I mean NO AMOUNT can compensate ME for not having my dh around.
But we are not all the same on that issue.
What is your gut instinct ?

Mine don't love daddy being away in the week, however luckily he was around a lot when they were littler, and so they have a strong bond and love to spend time together on the weekend. Indeed, he only spends time with them on the weekend and sleeps, leaving the housework untouched. It's hard to cram it all in, so I wouldn't chose this as a 'lifestyle' option if we had the money, but if it's that or no work, I would go with travelling away or doing shifts or indeed doing any of the weird and wonderful patterns of living people end up doing for money.

And, I do know a couple who have lived apart in the week for twelve years, and are quite happy like that, indeed have recently had a baby. Not most people's first choice, but it obviously works for them.

When your children are very very young, the effect is more on you as a mother with less help around in the week and you may be fine with that. I do not think the children have too much of a tough time being so small but one can never know for sure and each child is an individual. I agree with the first poster's response - that her six year old is not keen on it is understandable from my point of view, as I had a father who worked away - I would not see him from Sunday evening until Saturday morning and I hated it. In the holidays though, as I got older, I would go to work with him! Not a possibility with the OP, I understand that. Just my own personal experience as a child - didn't help I had an awful mother either though!

My gut instinct is it's not ideal but dp and I are in our 40s and do have to think about the future. His career is pretty much it. IT is a funny business,he's very good at his job but you do need to keep up with the youngsters and not stagnate.

He's a hands on dad so the kids would miss him but the money which would enable us to do so much more and the benefits for his career are soooo tempting.

I don't know where you live but have you thought about moving closer to London? Is it viable? Somewhere not too close because of the cost of house prices but where DH can get back on a daily basis? I am 40 soon - I totally understand where you are coming from thinking about the future.

I was brought up this way actually. My father worked away during the week and we saw him at the weekends. I've turned out OK and dont resent my parents for it at all! We spoke to him EVERY night he was away, and it was fine. Nowadays with the invention of digital cam corders and things like Skype in my own situation I can't see it would be a problem. But then again I grew up with it so..

It would most likely be that way for me too. My partner lives about 2 hours away, and I live to the east of him. We lived together but I was forced to move back to my home town. He works six day son then would have 4 days off, so for me I feel that it would work out ok. He wouldn't be able to do school runs anyway as he doesn't drive hehe.

It's just something you'd have to talk about I guess.

An example to put it into context here - I know I didn't like it growing up but my DH - now he was put in a boarding school at the age of 7 in the UK, his parents lived in Sri Lanka and as a boy - this is shocking - he travelled on an aeroplane by himself, known as an unaccompanied minor, during the holidays to see his parents. At weekends, he stayed at the school while the other kids went home. Coming back from holidays - he would pray for the plane to have broken down or something or other and he'd cry his eyes out. He went to an all boys boarding school and he had serious issues when he left that he had to resolved through counselling.

So, putting it in context, don't feel too guilty if your DH comes home on a weekly basis.

Also, surely there are lots of wives in the Forces who have children that don't see their fathers for ages?

I know someone who did it and would stay at a mates 2 nights and then work from home two days. So it worked out as for example:

Mon - Work from home
Tues - stay at mates
Wed - stay at mates
Thurs - Travel home and sleep at home
Fri - Work from home