Do I really have to put up with this?

[workingmumee]

Have name changed, but a regular poster.

I work in a male dominated field and as a result have a fairly thick skin when it comes to what I'll put up with in the office environment, but recently I've had a number of things happen that make me think I should put in a complaint, but I'm not sure if I should just shut up and ignore it.

The two main issues are...

My team leader recently declared his undying love (even though he knows I'm happily in a relationship, and would never leave) After a polite refusal he then made it clear if I wanted a payrise and promotion the best method would be to jump into bed with him.

One of my team mates has decided to send me numerous pictures of himself naked and constant sends inappropriate messages.

I've got nothing but my word on the first example, so how would I provide evidence of my case. In the second instance I was so shocked I just deleted the email and all the pictures, I tend to just ignore the messages and when I shut down msn it deletes the messages anyway - so it's difficult to keep as evidence.

Any ideas on what I should do?

Depends where you work really. Keep any further messages from them, take a photo with your phone or print off a screen-shot.

I know what you mean about having a thick skin, I wasn't the type to cry "sexual-harrassment!" or "offensive language!" every time I heard a dirty joke because I didn't find it particularly offensive or just didn' care I guess but if it's becoming unsettling you do NOT have to put up with it. This is being aimed at you in particular rather than general banter and as such may well escalate.

Do you have an HR department? I worked in the City and our HR department would have been all over this the minute I reported it but it does get fairly unpleasant.

You need to start documenting it for a start so that you have dates, times and message content.

I would speak to whoever is above your team leader about both issues. It's not on.

OMG. What an awful situation.
That's so inappropriate and YANBU.
You need to make sure that you keep a note of everything that happens and when, so that you have evidence of what you are being subjected to.
It sounds like you have grounds to take a grievance, but some people are reluctant to go that far.
Is there anyone senior in your department or someone in HR who you could talk to about this?
Good Luck

Change the settings on MSN so that it records all conversations.

Have you emptied the recycle bin? that may still have the evidence in it.

No, you certainly do not have to put up with this. Both examples scream sexual harassment to me. Disgusting behaviour from both of them and they should know better.

My advice would be to keep all future emails/texts from either of these two. If you have any face to face meetings, write detailed notes straight after and keep them. Sadly, I think it's unlikely this behaviour will stop and as you say, you need evidence if you are going to take it further. OTOH, maybe a promise (rather than threat ) to take it further if there is one more incident of either type may nip it in the bud?

No direct experience of this but didn't want you to feel alone. I'm sorry you're going through this. It is in no way acceptable

Thanks for the feedback, we have a HR dept but they're good friends with my Team Leader so I was worried about approaching them, and my manager above my TL is the MD, who I don't know too well as he's fairly new to the company, and I feel weird approaching him.

But I'll keep a log of these things, and see if either the MD or HR will have a chat with me about it.

I've always hated the idea of being "one of those" that cry sexual harrassment, and I was worried that because I've put up with so much non pc banter, that I may be seen as leading them on

Sorry bit of a techno idiot here - do you know how to you change the msn settings?

Make a record of all the incidents -try and recover deleted emails. If you have deleted mobile phone pictures and messages they can still be retrieved by your provider if it is a criminal investigation. (it could be Harassment).

Show someone the messages and ask them to record what they have seen. Send one return message only to the second male (do not get into any conversation with him or he may see that as encouragement) and say that you do not wish to receive any further non-work related messages from him.

Try and have witnessed conversations with your team leader only and ask that he records all comments about your development/career progression. That way there will be an audit trail.

I think the first thing to do is to tell the person that you are not happy with the way they are behaving towards you and you wish them to stop. Surprisingly enough many perpitrators of such nonsense often claim to not have realised that the person they are offending is offended.

I have often been called to speak to people in such circumstnaces ( I'm in HR) and very often the "guilty party" will claim that it was all banter and "a bit of fun" So if you haven't already done so make it quite clear to the person concerned that you are not happy with the way the are behaving and it has to stop.

If it doesn't stop it is then harassment and your company should have a policy to deal with this. Regardless of the relationship your HR Manager has with your Team Leader if she/he is worth his/her salt then they will have to take this matter seriously.

It is unpleasant and unprofessional but all too common I'm afraid . Hope you manage to sort things out

Thanks - I have on previous occassions said I didn't like it, and have blocked the guy on msn, but we use it as a work tool, so I always end up having to unblock him.

I've figured out how to turn on the history and now have my first piece of evidence.

Thanks again for reading and taking the time to post

If he sent the pictures from his staff email account, it will be traceable by your IT department.

What an idiot. Keep your cool and make sure you document everything.

I know it's tough, I was once harrassed by a very senior guy at my old firm. I was very new and didn't think anyone would believe me. I changed departments after a while but later found out he had been fired for accessing internet porn at work and seriously harrassing another girl which made me really wish I'd said something.
You never know, there may already be 'background noise' on these guys already, you may not be the only one they've done this to.

Good luck!

Sneak a dictaphone in to any situation you think might get a bit jammy? I've done that before, but then I am really sneaky and a little paranoid. Not really useable but once someone hears something, they can't un-hear it. YADNBU, it's totally wrong, and a little creepy.

Cripes. Two of the worst sexual harrassment examples I've heard in ages. What did you say when boss suggested it would help your career? I'd be tempted to say 'If you really loved me you'd promote me anyway.' Sorry, not really a joking matter!

FWIW your mobile phone will probably have a record function so you just need to get into the habit of having it on. It's not admissable in court but it will prove your case to HR or MD.

It is to your advantage that the MD is new btw.