Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be p*ssed off when people try to scare me about impending motherhood?

74 replies

TwinklePants · 06/01/2011 12:32

I am pregnant with our first baby after IVF, it is much wanted and is a high risk pregnancy due to me having had cervical cancer (now in remission). Why does almost everyone I know who already have children (including close family) think it's ok to either try and scare me with stories about birth (I am having a c-section btw) or parenthood?

Just some of the comments I have had so far are:

  • "Oh you're 12 weeks pregnant, let me tell you all about the time I had a still birth at 15 weeks" (I cried in the toilets at work for an hour afterwards)
  • "You'll never sleep/ have a minute to yourself/ get dressed before lunchtime/ get your figure back again"
  • "You have NO idea what you're letting yourself in for" (usually said with a smirk - I get this A LOT)
  • (After spilling coffee all the way up my stairs carpet) "Oh well, you better get used to it, soon your house is going to be a shithole anyway"

What IS it with people? It's not like I can change my mind now anyway is it?

Is it just me or is none of this advice remotely helpful at this stage?

[bangs head on wall]

OP posts:
Original poster
TwinklePants · 06/01/2011 13:16

Oooh Tatty your post was lovely. It made me well up a bit, but I blame the hormones for that (and everything else for that matter!)

I agree that you rarely/ never get told the 'good stuff' by parents, but I know there must be plenty, otherwise people wouldn't do it. At least not more than once!

Thanks for the reassurance, it does help. I think I am just getting to the stage where the comments are starting to get to me a bit, so to hear that I will still have some autonomy and control over my own situation is a comfort.

OP posts:
1980Sport · 06/01/2011 13:17

YANBU - I hate this and would never do it to my pregnant friends! And it doesn't get any better when I was pregnant with ds2 - I continually got -

You'll never manage with 2 under 2
You wonder what you complained about with only 1
Just wait until no. 2 comes along then you'll know what tired is
Blah blah!

Congratulations!

Pinkjenny · 06/01/2011 13:20

Congratulations!

I do think it's important to be honest with friends about motherhood, but also to be balanced. I met with a pg friend last week, and we had a big chat about this very subject. Motherhood is bloody hard work, but it's not a constant struggle, just highs and lows, as with anything. One of the reasons I was telling my friend I found it hard in the early days is because if (and I mean if) she feels the same and wants some support, she will feel able to come to me.

sam12 · 06/01/2011 13:21

Congratulations.
Having just had my first baby I got all those comments and they don't stop. When the baby is here you can look forward to lovely comments such as:
'she might be cute now but wait till she gets older/ you've got it all to come/ it's all downhill from here/ they get harder as they get older 'what have you let yourself in for?' these mostly from strangers who peek into the pram! But I don't think it's meant unkindly and when you've got your little baby you really don't care

Pinkjenny · 06/01/2011 13:21

sam12 - my dd is 3.8yo and my ds is 1yo and I still get all those comments. As they get older, you learn to brush them off a bit more.

Original poster
TwinklePants · 06/01/2011 13:24

MeMudmagnet I can see why someone constantly banging on about your size would upset you - I am just coming up to 20 weeeks so get a lot of people (my Dad especially) pointedly commenting on my body changes every time I see them.

The last time I saw my Dad he said (looking at my stomach) "well, there's no doubt about the fact you're pregnant now is there?" I wanted to say: "yes Dad, I was warned that pregnancy is a potential side effect of IVF, and the 20 scans I have had already would indicate that my stomach swelling up isn't just from needing a big poo" but obviously I didn't Grin

I know it's only going to get worse too... I wish he didn't feel the need to comment every time. Women feel very vulnerable about their changing bodies when they are pregnant - I do anyway - and don't need the constant commentary.

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 06/01/2011 13:26

It's very hard at times, but sooooo worth it. Nothing else I have done has compared to the happiness and satisfaction and laughs I have had as a mother.

I remember going into a lift at the hospital, taking DS1 home for the first time (and any of us here will know how thrilling and also anxiety-provoking that first trip home in the car is), and some miserable sod made a comment along the lines of "Yes, It's great now, but just wait blah blah ..." Grrrrr

Mine are 7 and 10 now and you then start getting comments about teenagers, so it doesn't stop.

JamieLeeCurtis · 06/01/2011 13:28

Twinkle - my dad made a comment about my stomach size the day after I came out of hospital with DS1. Insensitive wally (helpful hint: belly does not go flat instantly after birth as i had assumed ....)

rockinhippy · 06/01/2011 13:31

I had all of this & more besides too, even to the extent of being mobbed when out for lunch a week before I was due, by a gang of DHs old friends, ALL of which felt it their duty to fill me in on their birth, breast feeding & baby hood scare stories.......

I soon realised it was a complete load of bollox, or at very least not the whole story in that YES, life changes, but you wont ever look back with regret...

I also soon realised that the ones who relished trying to scare the crap out of me the most, are the most inaffective parents & consequently have a had a real hard time with their own DCs Wink

TrappedinSuburbia · 06/01/2011 13:35

It can be hard but its great, just sleep when the baby sleeps and don't worry about anything else.
You just get into your own routine, get out for long walks with the pram, I felt kinda liberated, was a great time when ds was a baby.
You'll no be caring a jot how long it takes your body to get back to normal (and it will) you'll be too busy gazing at your beautiful baby x

Yukana · 06/01/2011 13:35

Congratulations!

I am also pregnant with my first child, but I understand how you feel. Mainly the guilty party in my case is my partner though, he's looked after a baby before - (previous relationship) - and keeps being negative, saying things that I already know. Thankfully, the family is supportive - more so than he is - and doesn't try to start on me with that sort of thing.

Plus, I felt even before becoming pregnant, that the pregnancy sort of prepares you for what is to come ahead, that, and it's a beautiful thing in itself.

Try not to take it to heart, I'm trying my best not to let the comments bother me, and to stop worrying about any possible complications. When the baby is born you'll have hard times like they say, but that doesn't change the fact you'll be very happy I'm sure.

Best of luck to you. :)

Pinkjenny · 06/01/2011 13:36

I don't want to turn this into a contentious thread, bearing in mind I don't disagree with the OP, but rockinippy - to suggest that people that have a hard time with their dcs are ineffective parents is ridiculous.

MaybeTomorrow · 06/01/2011 13:38

Sooo with emsyj.

If anyone tells me they're PG, they probably get annoyed with me to the other extreme because I never stop going on about how motherhood changed my life and how amazing it is. I'm sure never to talk too much about DD's birth because it wasn't easy on any of us, including her, but motherhood itself is by far the most amazing thing in the world and the amount of love that you find for this little person is astounding!

See, I'm doing it again... Blush

GnomeDePlume · 06/01/2011 13:40

I think that there should be rules about parents who already have children talking to first-timers. We were all first time once and kind of forget how new and exciting and scary it was.

It isnt meant to upset or annoy you. Sometimes it is just meant to be making conversation. We old lags do like to share our war stories!

CheekyChoppers · 06/01/2011 13:49

Twinkle, I had all the same comments when I was preggers, I just smiled smugly and went on about how much I was looking forward to my 9 month holiday from work and all the fun things we were goin to do!! I think people are just jealous that you are doing something exciting!

I got annoyed when everyone kept going on about 'how awful giving birth is'. I just kept telling everyone that it REALLY CAN'T BE THAT BAD(!) and that if everyone else can do it then I'm damn sure I can! And It wasn't that bad....

Enjoy your pregnancy x

rockinhippy · 06/01/2011 13:49

I'm sure it would be PinkJenny but as that wasn't what I said, maybe you should re read my post Hmm

you then might then see that I ACTUALLY said in MY case, wthose who took pleasure in trying to scare the crap out of ME before DD was born, where ineffective parents, whose DCs tended to run wild & as a result they struggled a lot with it all......wind forward several years, the people I'm thinking of would be the first to own up to that

BuzzLightBeer · 06/01/2011 13:51

I find the first comment hard to understand, as anyone who has been in that position would know that 15 weeks is not a still-birth (a long way from it) but a miscarriage. Hmm

Original poster
TwinklePants · 06/01/2011 13:54

Sorry Buzz I didn't mean to offend, perhaps she didn't say stillbith, I was just not sure of what exact terminology she used.

OP posts:
TheHouseofMirth · 06/01/2011 13:59

The first comment is sad and cruel. Everything else is true. The thing is that having a baby does completely change your world. But telling anyone that is pointless because you have to go through it yourself. It's a bit like going to another country; you can read a guidebook but it doesn't really prepare you for what you will experience.

Highlander · 06/01/2011 14:05

They're all a bit insensitive, but true.(other than the first which is a ghastly comment to make to someone who's pregnant).

It doesn't matter how much you want a baby, the harsh reality of being a parent is an overwhelming shock for every new mum.

And sadly, those who have undergone IVF are considered high risk for PND, simply because the horrible reality of a baby frequently fails to live up to their dreams.

Pinkjenny · 06/01/2011 14:09

Hmm to you also, rockinhippy. I had no idea your comments were intended to be so specific to yourself. Apologies.

I agree with TheHouseofMirth.

rockinhippy · 06/01/2011 14:11

I don't find the first comment hard to understand at all, extremely cruel, YES, but also blatantly jealous of the OP because of the womans own very sad experience,.... not an excuse though, she should of had FAR more empathy with the OP because of her experience

Original poster
TwinklePants · 06/01/2011 14:15

I didn't realise that Highlander , it is not something I have been warned about.

OP posts:
chandellina · 06/01/2011 14:19

YANBU. I hate that kind of comment! I always take the opposite tack and say how wonderful it is being a mum.
I got my figure back, work a four day week, keep a clean house and have plenty of time in the evening to read, etc.
Far better than all the years worrying about ever having a child/miscarrying/undergoing IVF!

firstforthought · 06/01/2011 14:22

tattydevine the last paragraph brought tears to my eyes and i couldn't agree more!