Tips on how to cope with 3 month house guest!

[DitzyLiz]

DP has very kindly offered his cousin (who lives abroad)a place to stay in our house whenever he comes to the UK to visit.

This in itself is fine, except that we have a tiny house with no spare room so he is staying in our living room and it's a PITA.

He's currently here for two weeks, which is ok, but will be here for 3 months in the summer, and I know i will end up wanting to kill somebody!

He's considerate when he's here, and it's not his fault we don't have the space, but I just feel put upon because I wasnt really asked before my DP offered. It was more of a 'I have told X he can come stay with us whenever he likes, I hope that's ok?'. Argh how can i bloody say no to that when you have already told him???

DP feels obliged I think as the cousins family (who all live abroad now) have been very good to him in the past, and are actually lovely people, and there really isnt anywhere else for his cousin to stay.

So I know I cant say no, and dont really want to because his family are all so nice, but wondered if anyone had any advice on how not to go mad during the 3 months???

It might be worth checking out this summer's festival dates as well. If you can send him off with his GF to sleep in a tent in a field somewhere you'll have a bit of a break.

Food could be an issue. If he's fussy about your food- I'm sure it's lovely but some teens don't do vegetables- whip him to a supermarket to stock up the freezer with cheap, quick stuff he will eat. Teenage boys can clear a fridge fast so it'd be good to let him know what food is fair game and label leftovers as dinner if you want them to still be there when you need them.

Snap, *sydenham"!

DitzyLiz - I think you're a saint for even considering it and I'd have a very serious chat with your DP to make sure he understands the implications too.

But assuming that you do go ahead, I think the recommendation of setting ground rules up front is an excellent one - it's so much easier to talk about things before anyone is feeling bitter about them.

We once invited an Aussie friend-of-a-friend to stay when she first arrived in the UK, expecting her to stay a few days. She stayed for two months. I hadn't set any ground rules at all and was nearly screaming with frustration by the end.

There are probably lots of things you'd need to talk about but (from my bitter experience!) here's my starter list:

• your expectations about tidiness, helping around the house, not lying in bed at all hours, not swearing in front of the children, things that are likely to annoy you, etc
• use of the phone (time of day, how often, who pays, is there a time after which you don't want people phoning him?)
• who'll pay for things like food (it's not unreasonable to ask for a contribution for food - you're giving him free accommodation after all)
• chores, especially cooking, cleaning and laundry. Perhaps he might like to shop and cook for you once or twice a week, or treat you to the occasional takeaway, instead of giving a cash donation towards the housekeeping (also helpful life lesson in budgeting!) Or perhaps he's a whizz at ironing or hoovering. Will you do his washing or will he? If the latter, do you want him to check before putting a load on to make sure you weren't planning to use the machine?
• visits from the girlfriend (how comfortable are you with her staying over, and how often? anytime or weekends only?)
• also other friends visiting. He may want to invite friends over occasionally. Is that ok? Would you mind if they came at mealtimes? If so, who cooks (and, in these cash-strapped times, who pays?)
• booze - do you expect him to buy his own beer/wine or are you happy for him to help himself to yours? Is there anything that's absolutely off-limits (that bottle you're saving for a special occasion etc...)
• how much he's planning to be with you vs sightseeing/travelling.
• how much notice you expect if he's not going to be in for a meal or is going away for a few days.
• if he's likely to be out a lot, agree on some times when he will be with you - you don't want to feel like a hotel.

It sounds awful but I'd also suggest agreeing upfront to have a follow-up chat after a few weeks, just to make sure everything's going ok - on both sides. It's so easy to get riled by really stupid things like putting something in the wrong place or using the wrong wine glasses (or is that just me? ) so having an opportunity to say these things openly without anyone having to feel embarrassed about it is great.

Good luck!

Sorry for mammoth post - I hope some of it's helpful though. :)

Like AliBaba, I once had a nightmare house guest. It was only for 2 weeks but it felt like 2 months! I was living in Paris in a 1 bedroomed flat at the time so house guest was on the sofa bed in the lounge. I assumed that as she was a professional lady in her 30s, she would know how to behave in someone else's home without me having to lay down ground rules, but I was sadly mistaken about that.

• She never once made the sofa bed back into a sofa; I thought maybe she thought I was happy to have no sofa and a bed in the middle of my living room floor for a fortnight, so decided to clarify my preferences by making the bed back into a sofa every day. She never once took the hint and I was too embarrassed to say, "Actually, YOU need to be doing this";
• Left her dirty underwear lying around on top of the unmade bed;
• Left the loo roll she used to blot her lipstick every morning on my desk;
• Never once cooked a meal (and she was a vegan, so really put my repertoire to the test) or contributed to the grocery bills;
• Used my 'phone and never contributed to the bill for that either.

If I was having an 18 yr old student to stay for 3 months, I would make damn sure and let him know the house rules in advance! I would also encourage some sofa surfing and at the very least, make sure he has something to do every day. Is he eligible to work in this country?

Sorry been away for a couple of days with work so havent been able to reply until now.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply, found some good words of wisdom!

I think I will go down the route of setting down (lots) of ground rules and kicking up a fuss if theyre not adhered to. Also I may ask DP to speak to the rest of the family and ask if he can stay even a week at each of their homes.

Spoke to him a bit about it last night, but get the impression he thinks Im being a little bit mean. I may show him this thread to confirm that Iv already gone above and beyond what most would put up with!

Not sure if he is likely to 'phone home' very much, nor do I want to be nosy to ask where home is, but it might be an idea if international calls are not included on any phone deal you have to consider opening an account with 1899.com (assuming your line is with BT).

They have some very low cost rates for both UK and international calls (1p to USA and parts of Europe, and cheap to most foreign mobile numbers too). For UK calls, 5p once connected and then 0p/min for 01/02/03 - I never worry about the length of a call and if someone is having computer problems, then no matter whether it takes 10 minutes or 2 hours it will only cost me 5p to call. When you are about to be connected after dialling 1899 their system tells you cost per minute, so if you know it sounds too much, you could have misdialled number.

They and a number of other 'indirect access' firms offer really low charges, all you need remember to do is key 1899 and then the number you want to dial. They charge 10p/min to mobiles so I tend to use Asda PAYG (8p/min any time of day to mobiles or landline numbers).

All details are itemised so easy to see what calls have been made. They debit my card when the amount owed gets to about 3 quid, and given length of time he will be with you, it will mean that a few days before he goes home you can check how much is owed for phone calls and check BT usage too - all too easy for a bunch of costly calls to be made that hit your pocket once he has gone.

(Sorry, don't want to be too negative, but phone calls can be a nasty shock if BT is billing them!)

wow 3 months seriously you need to tell him now that's just far to long, it's taking advantage really.
If you feel bad now imagine an extra 12 weeks of stress on top of what you feel now.

It sounds like this house guest was born in the UK, am I right?
If so then he can work during his 3 month visit and pay for his own accomodation.
Is he going to be paying for his own food?
How will he provide for himself?

Does you DP often make decisions that effect you without consulting you at first?
If it was my DH I'd be absolutely furious.

Don't do it. I almost fell out with my sister (who I am normally very close to) when she came to stay in our one bed flat when doing a holiday work placement for 6 weeks. You can't have someone taking up all your living space without losing your rag. In the end my sis stayed for the first week and the last week and stayed in uni halls of residence in between. We had her around a lot for dinner etc but her having a place to go back to saved our sanity.

I would suggest he look into uni hall of residence. They are usually let out during the vacations and are not expensive.

He may not have a job lined up, but surely he is PLANNING on getting a job OP????

His family maybe living in another country, but he's still British, so he will not need a working holiday visa.

He's a university student, basically wanting to visit his girlfriend and old mates over the summer. All very well if he was going home to Mum and Dads, but NOT OK if you are staying in a house with no spare room.

I have been on the receiving end of other peoples sofas (in my younger days) and have been very grateful - it has literally been a lifesaver at times. BUT it doesn't sound like your DPs cousin is in a life-or-death situation.

It sounds like he's kind of taking the piss TBH.

Can I suggest he looks into charity fundraising work?

I did it for a long time, and a lot of the people I worked with were students or visiting the UK on a working holiday visa.

Fundraising companies are ALWAYS hiring, and many provide accommodation as well as a (really very high) wage.

Plus he'll meet lots of new people, have something to do all day, see the UK (jobs that provide accommodation often require you to move around a bit) and do something good for a charity while making a decent living.

It is unreasonable to expect him to stay at your home for 3 months when there is more family in the area. Especially since he is not paying for his food. Why are his parents not paying for his room and board? Or flying him to stay at home until school is back in?
I do not think it is mean at all, to not want to have someone sleeping in your living room for 3 months. Can he not get a job as a live in babysitter or something?

Are you reading this dizyliz oh.3 months is a pisstake. You are doing him no favours. If you feel you owe the chaps family a favour buy him a wwoof book - volunteering on farms in return for food and board. I did this a few years ago fun and educational loads better than moping around your house Put him up for a few days at the start and end of his holidays

Dizzyliz, I think you're a saint for even contemplating this.

What I can't understand is why, if he used to live in the UK with his immediate family, he can't get a summer vacation job and at least pay you for food, if nothing else. 18-year old boys eat masses. Also, as other posters have said, what about electricity, telephone, having friends back, not staying in bed all day. It is not good for him to have no structure for three whole months. There will always be something that he can do - voluntary or playscheme work.

In your place I would insist that he does something during the three months that he is staying with you. If he has a paying job, he can at least pay you a nominal sum per week and that would mean that he would appreciate much more what you are doing for him. In my experience, many people don't appreciate what they get completely free. If they have to pay even a small amount for it, they appreciate it much more.

Please keep us updated with what happens.