wedding woes - sort of

[FrizzyFrazzled]

My DF and I are getting married in February. We have a DS who will be 11 months old, and have been together for eight years, so we always wanted a very low key, stress free wedding ? plus we are not fans of being in the spotlight and never wanted a big white wedding.
We decided we wanted a very small service, with just family ? about 20 people - and then a party afterwards with all of our friends and family. We are both quite shy and horrified at the thought of lots of people listening to us taking our vows, so we thought this was a good way of having friends share in the day but also having a service which was intimate and wouldn?t stress us out.
We sent out the invites to the post-ceremony party a day or two ago, and my DF has heard back from a couple of people who are saying yes they will come, but they want to see us take our vows too... I am now starting to think we will offend everyone we know because they are not invited to the ceremony! Our original thinking was, if it is strictly family only, then we avoid the picking and choosing of friends, and thus people getting offended if you know what I mean. But now I am worried we will have offended everyone!
Do you think we have been rude in doing this?? And for those who say they want to see us take the vows, are we being horrible to say no, or will other people get annoyed when they realise some people came to the ceremony and they didn?t??
Am concerned we have made a horrible faux pas...

Don't worry. Just explain to people that you really love them but you want a very small ceremony. They will understand. If it is strictly close family then people shouldn't get annoyed because someone saw the vows and they didn't.

Congratulations, have a lovely day!

No, not at all. Lots of people opt for a smaller ceremony followed by a bigger party, these days. Everything you have said in your post is entirely reasonable, and people will understand. People who know you, know how shy you both are.

Don't worry about it - really!

Thanks both! I had hoped we were doing the right thing, but you know when you are so close to a situation you lose sight of how others might see it... so I just wanted to check we are not, in fact, doing something horribly mean without realising.

It's not horribly mean. I think it's very sweet your friends want to be there for the actual wedding rather than just the party but if it's family only then that's your choice and they'd be mean to whinge about it!

From your post yanbu.

Did u put a poem about presence not presents though?

That is totally reasonable to want a small private ceremony and a party with everyone later. Just tell these people the ceremony is a small private affair, but you are looking forward to celebrating later with everyone. Even say you guys are shy, nothing wrong with that.

It is sweet that they want to be there, but any more pressure than that is not sweet; it is rude angling-for-an-invitation. If they persist after you tell them about the small venue, remind them of being shy, etc., then they are being rude.

Phew! Am pleased the consensus seems to be we are not being unreasonable! DF has told his friends that we did it this way because we wanted the party to be the big celebration and the vows to be more personal and family oriented, etc, so hopefully they understand. The party will be nice anyway, as we have got a bouncy castle for kids, a big canvas for people to sign, lots of booze and food and music, blah blah - the vows will be the boring bit!
EnormaSnob - I think our wording was "We have everything we need, your presence is all we ask" - not quite as poetic as it could have been but we were running out of space on the invite!
Can go back to being excited now...