To think my HR woman is a stupid insensitive cow?

[Ladyofthehousespeaking]

Unfortunatley I found out on thursday that I am having a miscarriage, I had to rush out of work because I started bleeding and went straight to my antenatal unit.

Things have obviously been very very difficult so I managed to phone this afternoon (haven't been able to get out of bed with pain/ sobbing) and let HR lady know what was going on, they don't allow partner to phone unless you are in hospital..

So I spoke to her saying I'm not sure how long it will take for me to come back in, to which she replied
...
'oh. Well. that's actually a bit inconvienient. Are you sure you can't just pop in?'

do you know what? it's actually a bit inconvienient for me to be losing my baby. I can't fucking pop in because I am in alot of pain and I'm fucking bleeding.

I think she's a stupid insensitive cow with shit for brains who couldn't be tactful if her life depended on it

I am so sorry for your loss..how very hard for you and to have to listen to a stupid thoughtless comment like that is TOO much!WHen you feel a littletiny bit better you should complain about her.

God blessx

I also agree that this HR person is being insensative and that is after all part of her job

As for phoning yourself unless you are in hospital - there are many more reasons for not being ableo to talk on the phonme than a lost voice which again show how daft their rules are. Having an asthma attack and trying ot talk on the phone can make things worse

Of course you are not being unreasonable! You have suffered great trauma and you do not need to try and think in anyway that you should have to explain yourself to her anything other than the simple facts. I would suggest liasing only with your manager from now on and put in a complaint to her manager (with your managers backing im sure!) as soon as you feel well enough to.

Gentle hugs to you.

I'm so sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you.

It's all already been said but your HR bitch woman sounds like one of the most insensitive women I've ever heard of.

Right now, you need to take time to deal with what's going on with your body and start the grieving process. When you're feeling a bit stronger raise a complaint.

Well this is terrible, and I feel really bad for you. That HR are not warm and fluffy is not a surprise to me, but this goes beyond that into true asshole.

Get you, or your partner, to send an e-mail to her stating that you miscarried on x date, and have found the experience stressful and distressing, and that you felt her comments were unhelpful in what is a serious and traumatic time.

Explain that it is entirely reasonable (and state this as fact, because it is fact and all the employment tribunals and best prcatice guides will back you up) to request compassionate time as well as sickness absence in order that you are able to return to work effectively. State that that you are not in a position to confirm the details until you are aware of how much this has affected you (but give them a guideline eg, I will contact you in .. to confirm (make sure this is more than reasonable - too often in the early stages of anything like this, people over estimate just before the real trauma hits and then miss their own deadlines -- you need to guard against this),

Finish with a 'understand the need for business continuity, so you would ask for any specific immediate concerns to be conveyed to you (by e-mail) and that you will answer on or before (timescale above).

Its sad, but you need to mention trauma, distress etc and that her comments were unhelpful specifically otherwise they will claim they didn't know that a miscarriage has been traumatic for you 'because you didn't say' - ridiculous but true. You need to also get these words down as they ring gentle bells in hR minds that you aren't lying. Putting it in writing early is key and this is the most important thing.

Copy your reply to your manager (as they will need to know), the HR rep you spoke to, and to her manager so that she is aware that you are gently and understandingly unhappy with her ignorance over this issue.

Aside from all that, this must be awful for you and I hope that you and your partner will be forgiving of any below the radar effects - a friend of mine miscarried, and she felt lost and confused without realising it for some months Hang in there and lean on us and pals - they will appreciate the chance to help even if its leaving you alone, or just being there...

BTW just read about the way you handled the call - spot on. :) that is exactly the way to go short, she knows you are pissed off, but if she reports your words, it sounds fine! :) :) much better than agreeing to come back, apologising, shoutiung the idiot down (though she deserves it) etc. I am proud of you :)

Aw thankyou everyone, sorry got a bit upset again..
I will definitly make a written complaint when I feel a bit better, you're all right that I shouldn't be wasting energy on her now, Am really tired so it would probably come out wrong if I wrote anything now (thankyou heroine, I'll re read your post closer to te time, that's very helpful x)

I really am very grateful for your advice and kind words- dh and I hadn't told anyone yet as I was just over 10 weeks so it's been a bit lonely, although he has been incredible (I think I love him even more now :) )it's amazing to be able to talk to you all and I hope I can help you all out too one day
x

Definitely complain about her. Are you able to speak to your manager regarding sick/compassionate leave? If so i would give HR a wide berth over this matter.

Sorry for your loss.

YANBU - and I used to work in HR. She sounds like an ex boss of mine who was a total cow...

Definitely complain to her boss when you're up to doing so. Look after yourself...

So sorry for your loss and that you had to deal with someone being so unsympathetic.

I think it would be taking it a bit far to complain about her though, unless she has done other things that you are unhappy with. It could go on her professional record and prevent her from getting employment in the future, which I think would be a bit unfair just for a comment, and I expect she just doesn't understand what you are going through.

What did she want you to go in for anyway?

I don't think it would be taking it too far at all curlymama, do you really honestly think this woman should be allowed to treat staff that way? Shocking.

You poor kid, YANBU.

I am so sorry this is happening to you but glad to hear you have a supportive husband.

I worked for a very large people-based charity when I had my first m/c and they were appalling. They made me feel almost suicidal, they were so uncaring.

I'm sorry for your loss and the attitude you have had to face today. I'm an HR manager and I would advise you to ensure that you keep a note of the call and the date and that you send a medical certificate in as soon as possible. I've also had three miscarriages and am sure you will be much better off for a couple of weeks off to recover than to go straight back in. When you are feeling better and are strong enough it would be much more effective to ask to see this person's boss and gently explain how the person made you feel and request that some training is put in to prevent anyone suffering again in the future. There may be a track record and it may be helpful for the boss to know. It may also be helpful for the person to have some guidance. If you came to see me she would have the biggest dressing down, in private I add, that you can imagine but it would include a bollocking about the risks to the firm of sex discrimination.

If you left on Thursday and haven't been in contact since, I would have got someone to phone you to make sure you were OK because we have a duty of care to our employees. Does your firm have an OHP service that provides counselling? Alternatively, do contact someone like the miscarriage association - they are very helpful.

Good luck OP - keep warm and safe and loved. HUGS from a not warm and fluffy HR person just an older one who's lived a little.

She's a total bitch.

I am so, so sorry you are losing your baby.

what a cow!so sorry for your loss,when i had mine i was in so much pain hubby phoned out of hours doc who refused to talk to him,he put me on the phone and was told to take a painkiller and it really wasnt that bad,just like a heavy period and to stop wasting their time :( i wont go into what followed but i ended up in a&e

Absolutley make sure you get this down n writing as Heroine suggests. Dates and times. Keep it unemotional but detailed as to what was said by whom and why you could not come into work with brief details of your condition. Also get a medical certificate and send them a copy.

Keep all corespondence, appointment letters with employer and doctors in a safe place.

This must be horribly distressing for you and you absolutley must come first. Get your DH to do the correspondence.

That's awful. So sorry for your loss.

You must complain in writing. If you don't feel up to it, I'm sure we can help you come up with a real stinker of a letter .

Thanks again, Im not normally a complainer but she's a fairly mature woman (I actually work with her 18 yo niece) so I think that as a alot to do with being so angry- if she were a 23 year old I might chalk it up to experience, but I really feel she should know better.
Sorry by 'pop in' she meant to go to work, that wasn't very clear .
I'm sure it has never happened to her, so perhaps she doesn't understand the 'mechanics' of it, but obviously I can't really leave the house at the mo

Unbelievable attitude from hr IMHO. :( report her.

Horrible for you to have to put up with that OP. Very sorry for your loss.

I had a mc at 10 weeks, and like you had told noone apart from DH. I REALLY didn't want to have to tell work (became a bit over obsessed with them not knowing tbh). I think its awful that you have to discuss something so personal and upsetting with a complete stranger in HR.

I was so adament that I didn't want anyone to know, that I phoned in to say I had to go into hospital for a 'women's issue', and then when I had to get a doctors note, my very kind GP wrote a general one stating heavy bleeding, but using medical terminology so noone would really know.

If you feel up to it you should definitely complain - if possible let your DH handle it.

That is awful, I am so sorry. Heroine's advice is excellent; can I add, get a friend (better than a partner, more objective) to check what you've written before you send it, whether it's an email or regular letter. Another thing: don't think of this as getting your own back on the HR idiot (although she deserves it), think of it as standing up for yourself. Resentment is damaging; I know, I've never forgiven one employer for something similar and that has done me no good.

Firstly I am so sorry for your's and your partner's loss - just ghastly.

You have been given some very sensible advice for addressing the remarks that were made. Please make sure that both her manager and your own are aware of the hurt and distress which her remarks have caused. Obviously this will not alleviate any of the hurt that you are feeling but you might be able to save someone from going through this additional nightmare in the future.

I suffered a miscarriage earlier this year and you're not being at all unreasonable. After a couple of days of sobbing and writhing in pain, I shared the info with a long term pregnant friend who said 'Oh I couldn't possibly relate to that - oooh hang on, my baby's kicking!'. At which point I mentally removed her from my friend list.

So sorry to hear your news

OMG, some people just don't know how to talk to other human beings, do they?

Raise the matter with her superior in an official capacity when you get back to work - she clearly needs some coaching in how to deal with situations where tact is required.