To not feel anything about MILs death

[salsmum]

Firstly let me state that I am a very caring person and not a hardfacedbitch wicked person. I have been separated from my xh for years and have not seen MIL for about 4 years when she first started getting Dementia and would visit with xh and I'd always make her and FIL welcome (always have. FIL died about 5 years ago. They have never treated my kids the same as SILs and have never been PIL to show any love or to be tactile in their approach (with my DD and DS) MIL was particularly cutting in her remarks to me when I first met DH (she never forgave him for not marrying her choice of GF and when I had just had my DD by cesarean and feeling vulnerable). They where tightasarsholes
careful with their money (giving my DD and DS £10 between them (aged 8 and 12) when we went on holiday for 2 weeks as pocket money and never offered any support when I struggled as a lone parent when FIL died and SILpillaged sorted the flat hidden everywhere was @ £10,000 . They NEVER
accepted my disabled DD and never pretended
to . I'm sorry but I cannot feel a terrible sadness that shes gone, I feel happy that she's free of her Dementia/confusion but that's all and don't even know if I can be arsed to go to her funeral...I know I should and my DD and DS will prob be unable to go DS on tour and DD goes back to college tues. Is this what they mean by Karma?. It's not like me to not feel upset/tearful when somebody passes away but I don't think she ever showed me or my DS and DD any kindness/love/empathy/compassion either and I never showed her that I was unhappy with the way she acted/spoke to me because ATT I just tried my best to please her and FIL and hope they'd accept me .

You probably do feel something, it's just not what you expected to feel iyswim? But that's ok, you don't have to answer to anyone about how you feel, and after everything you have described, it's understandable that you have mixed feelings towards your XMIL's death.

I dont really think you would expected to go to the funeral if you are not with your husband.

YANBU - she did nothing to make you love her in life, so of course you feel no grief that she's gone. Do you think DS and/or DD would like for you to go to the funeral to show their respects, if not yours? Do you feel any wish/duty to sympathise with XH on his loss? If no on both counts, no particular reason why you should go to the funeral - the point of funerals is to draw a line under their life to help you in your grieving and/or to show support to those who are grieving.

You can't feel what you don't feel! My mum's father is currently dying and whilst I feel sorry for her I feel nothing about it, well no more than I do for any loss of life.

You don't sound like a horrible person to me based on your post.

Don't feel bad, my XMIL had a heart attack a short while ago and I felt nothing except a slight sadness that she survived but that was only for DD's sake. She is an evil cow though who tried to fight with XH for custody of DD so she could bring her up as she never had a daughter herself!

As for the funeral I don't think you would be expected to go.

You are allowed to feel any way you like. Doesn't sound as though she had a very posative impact on your life.

My sibling and I went to an auntie-in-laws funeral to show support for our father some years ago. She'd caused a LOT of problems for my dad and never been very pleasant to any of us and I really didn't feel anything at her passing other than mild relief that finally she could do no more harm and I felt sad for her children as she was relatively young. Dad felt he needed to go to show his respects

Does your XH expect / want you there or do your dcs?

Don't feel bad about NOT feeling bad IYSWIM.

AMIS, If xh wants me there as support I would because I'tl be a harder day for him because he's estranged from his sibs so it'll be quite stressful for him. I'll take my DP and we'll make it a coach party seriously though I was just going to bollock speak to him about his behavior xmas day (see xmas day post) and then he told me about MIL and bollocking rant got put aside. I will speak to DD and DS to see what their wishes are re;funeral. LisaD1 thanx for your comment I understand how you feel too .

sorry didn't make it clear...it was xH that I was gonna rant to re; xmas behavior not DP

You can feel sorry for the people who will be upset by her death, but not feel anything for her passing, without making you anything but normal.

I dont think you should feel obligated to feel sad at her passing. When my mother and father die I won't be attending the funeral and doubt I shall have any remorse for what has passed or shed a tear that they have gone.

You can send a card and flowers to the funeral, you had nothing to do with her for years, so why would you now she is dead.

Good evening Salsmum.

It sounds like you've already made some sort of emotional detachment regarding the way you and you kids were treated by her. That certainly doesn't make you a bad person.

Unfortuantely for some women, the MIL's will never accept some DIL's maybe because of clash of personality, some MIL's feel the DIL has taken DS away from her and many other reasons. Life/time is far too precious to spend it on anyone other than those who really do care about you.

YANBU It sounds awful but I just wish my MIL was gone after everything she's done to the kids especially DD2 and DS who she couldn't accept because of his disability.
She even went on about her sister after she died telling me they never spoke about her as she 'wasn't right' so was put in a home.

YANBU at all, you are perfectly justified not to feel any greif for someone who made no effort with you or your dcs. I would feel the same as you, I really would. Dont worry about it.

If my ex MIL died I'd feel sad for my ex and my kids but I wouldn't personally be affected as we have had a frosty relationship for a few years.
She hasn't really been your MIL for a few years, plus dementia makes most people less pleasant and empathetic.

YANBU..... But..... Regardless of what anyone else would think/say... How would YOU feel if you didn't go....and would the kids prefer if it you went....sounds like you 'owe' her nothing... But just to be there for the kids... And ermmmmm tis better not to give anybody 'ammunition' bout u being hardfacedbitch wicked in the future..

Its a no brainer surely? You don't feel close to her in any way shape or form. You are no longer with her son. You haven't seen her for 4 years.

Don't go! And certainly don't feel bad about it! If your exh needs support I wouldn't have thought you are the most appropriate person to give it since you are no longer together (unless you remain very close friends), and assuming your ds and dd are older (if they are on tour / at college) then if they wish to pay their respects they can do it themselves without needing you to go on their behalf (unless obviously this is something you wish to do for them).

Certainly in your position I wouldn't be feeling any obligation what so ever to go to her funeral

Thank you everyone for your advice....on a happier note I have found some cousins that I didn't know I had in Scotland . My father passed away when I was 2 and my mother has Dementia so you can imagine how excited and emotional I was yesterday when my brother in U.S.A. emailed me pictures from cousins of my father when he was younger and his parents who I'd never known. It made my day after a crap shyte fuckedup-- disappointing xmas .

YANBU. You've every cause to dislike the woman, after all.

It's really got me quite angry lately when my niece SIL DD private chatted me on FB and told me when nans funeral was taking place and would I be going DD and DS included. I explained that I work 2 jobs so would see what I could do and my DS is on tour in Whales and my DD is in college in Glous (3 hours away) so they prob wouldn't be able to come. The result was she went off line immediately. The next day her FB page had a heading 'I think 'some' people are disgusting that they cant make the effort for 1 last day to which her other sisters had put a 'like' on there and 1 said fcuk em! I really wish they where old enough to know the 'history' I've had with MIL although now would not be the time to tell them (ages range from 16 to 24). I have always found my SIL to be loud, selfish, brash, arrogant etc... although I tolerated her for exh sake so I think instead of her actually explaining to her DDs why some people might not be able to make the funeral she'd be 'fueling the furnace' IYSWIM. My daughter is w/chair bound so to collect her from college (6 hour journey) I would have to have 3 days off work =collect=funeral=return and that wouldn't be an option for me (she's stated that she doesn't want to go anyway). The joke is I was thinking that I could make it Funeral at 3pm I finish work at 2pm BUT I feel like I'm damned either way...If I go the SIL will say I've only gone to have share of money we never had when she was alive will and if I don't go I'll be a nasty bitch bad person I really don't know what to do now and feel really annoyed by nieces FB rants

If you were nasty you wouldn't have come on here worrying about it. Before i read your last post I was about to say that MIL seems to have left your life a long time ago and you have already grieved for the relationships you should have had when the PIL were both alive and that there probably wasn't much left to grieve for.

Please don't go. Please don't let these girls upset you - you have grieved enough already. Stick to your own folk and let your dc see what love really is.

Night OP - Good Luck.