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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not like this person who is meant to be a friend

23 replies

fairydusty · 02/01/2011 20:22

Right i might get slated for this but here goes.

Moved to a new area and my husband introduced me to one of his friends wife's within a few days of us moving. (we are in the armed foces so its a camp we live on) The wife and me chatted and she asked for my number and we thne became friends of facebook - ever since she has constantly been in contact - in the begining she came to my house with her son almost evey day for coffee however i have since stopped this by making excuses. thing is i really dont like her - she is constantly going on about herself and everything is competition with her (if youhave done something she has done it bigger and better, she swears constantly and is just not my normal type of friend ( i doubt i am her normal type of friend either) - her son and my daughter do not get on and constantly fight.
She has been away for the holidays and its been bliss i have felt so much happier without the pressure of having to try and avoid her and make excuses not to do things with her - i now have a group of about 5 friends and we all feel the same about her problem is she is pregnant and i feel that if i tell her to leave me alone (the rest of our friends also want to tell her to leave them alone ) that we will be bullying her - this is a small community and the last thing i want is her to feel uncomfortable going out and about and i dont want to hurt her feelings but she is just too full on and stressing me out.

What would you do or should i just grin and bear is it bad to tell her i dont want to be her friend anymore (sound like we are a primary school but this is really getting on top of me)

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 02/01/2011 20:27

I don't really know. If it is a small community and this woman is the wife of one of dh's friends, might be hard to disentangle yourself

MadamDeathstare · 02/01/2011 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CalamityKate · 02/01/2011 20:29

Is there anything you know she's got strong opinions on? Have you thought of engineering an argument so that she gets cross enough to storm out and never come back?

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 02/01/2011 20:30

There is a forces section, I would assume it's a common problem.

AgentZigzagGotAGoodGoosing · 02/01/2011 20:30

She sounds totally full on, and a pain in the arse.

There's no way I would be able to keep up with a 'friendship' like this, and would have to say something, especially as she hasn't picked up on all the excuses.

It's nice that you don't want to seem as though you're ganging up on her, so in that case it's probably best if you say it to her as firmly and as gently as you can, but spell it out to her so she's left in no doubt.

It's your life and you can choose who you want to spend your time with, you don't owe her anything and are under no obligation to keep seeing her.

Be firm and stick to what you say.

AgentZigzagGotAGoodGoosing · 02/01/2011 20:31

I also meant to say that she might be like this because she's lonely or has a lack of self esteem, but that's not your problem and still doesn't put you under an obligation to be with her.

Original poster

fairydusty · 02/01/2011 20:32

we have nothing in common what so ever - i think thats why its so hard. i have kind of spoke to her about the swearing and asked her not to do it in front of my dc but she continues - dh thinks i should tell her where to go - he feels if her husband falls out with him because the wifes dont get on he isnt a great friend after all. she will move from here in july.

She just makes me so mad - before the holidays she made out me and other friends were beneath her because we claim tax credits (which we are entitled to) the next day she let slip she claims income support which she isnt entitled to (as far as im concerned that not really any of my business but dont make out your better than me because i have to claim benefit)

OP posts:

alicet · 02/01/2011 20:33

I think just pulling the 'it seems our children don't really hit it off so its pretty stressful for me meeting up with you - no hard feelings' or somthing along those lines. If you want to sweeten it a bit blame your dd so she doesn't think you're slagging off her son!

TheVisitor · 02/01/2011 20:35

Life's too short to put up with people who irritate you.

Original poster

fairydusty · 02/01/2011 20:37

to be honest its as much my dd as her ds - they just dont get on - bit like us. If she wasnt pregnant i would just be quite firm and tell her sorry we dont have anyting in common lets stay friends but dont keep pestering me - problem is i know she is really lonely and struggles being on her own with her son while her husband is at work - aaagggghhh - i constantly bring this up to dh its his fault for introducing us (but he wanted to help me find friends).

OP posts:

Scootergrrrl · 02/01/2011 20:42

Agree with all the other posters about life being too short but I also know what it's like to live on an army camp - take insular village life and times by 10 because everyone lives, works and mostly socialises together too. Bluntly telling her where to get off, no matter how much you want to, could turn into one of those patch scraps that go on for ages. Could you just try and avoid her as much as possible until they move? The beauty of forces life is you're never with the people who annoy you for too long.

TheBlessedVirginReality · 02/01/2011 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

fairydusty · 02/01/2011 20:48

think trying to avoid is my only option - our dc go to same nursery and she always waits on me and then walks me home (she also stands at my door waiting to be invited in for coffee until i apologise and say im really busy- she lives the other side of camp and is going out of her way to walk home with me) Not sure what to do about the beneift fraud thing - its not my nature to grass someone in but it does annoy me that she is doing this.

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 02/01/2011 21:02

how can you avoid her if you live in a camp and pick up dc from the same nursery all the time? Best say something. Atm she assumes you like her, so maybe say what you would have said if she were no pregnant -about the dc not getting along.

I don't really see what her being pregnant atm has to do with it, you are not being nasty, just stating a fact. She will also have noticed the dc don't hit it off.

floweryblue · 02/01/2011 21:12

I was a Forces Wife for a while, it was absolutely horrid. When my XH went away on service I was completely alone and my only friends were the neighbours' kids, the neighbours were polite but unfriendly (I agree that I am not the easiest person to make friends with!). I helped one of the kids get up from the bottom group in maths to the top group, I looked after her sister when their mum had forgot she needed help and the six year old was dropped off from a party all alone. The kids on both sides helped me move out after my marriage breakdown. But I was very hurt by the attitude of the parents.

Deafworm · 02/01/2011 21:40

how small a camp is it? we are also on a small camp (though it doesnt sound like the same one!), there are a couple of characters here who rub others up the wrong way but as only maybe a dozen of us socialise on a regular basis we just get on and ignore it, one is just frustrating but another seems to do it quite deliberately and it took a while to get past it but now ive come to the conclusion one of us should be posted in the next year so why worry about it! thats the joy of forces life to me you move on, get to know a new place, take the good friends with you and lose the rest! if its a bigger camp than ours and she stands a chance of making other friends then i would be less worried about avoiding her, not entirely sure how you do that though.

porcamiseria · 02/01/2011 21:46

make friend in haste...repent at leisure eh!

i hear you, but i suspect had you not made some new friends, you'd be less keen to trim her

just dont be unkind, thats my only advice. slowly disengage and she will get hint

WimpleOfTheBallet · 02/01/2011 21:51

Well you're very sensitive to think of her in this way...I think it's kind of a duty o include her sometimes..maybe just for some group things...like a coffee every week or similar? Then you can spread the irritation beween you all?

The poster who suggested leting her know gently when she is being a pain is giving good advice...just be careful not to pull her up on more than one thing at a time...and leave gaps between your revelations.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 02/01/2011 21:53

ZZenagain...I think the OP is aware that when pregnant many women are far more sensitive and vulnerable.

mummyosaurus · 02/01/2011 22:06

The swearing would mean I couldn't be her friend.

I think you are being very considerate of her feelings and that you should follow the advice to gently disengage from the friendship.

Scootergrrrl · 02/01/2011 22:14

Are there any organised events on camp - coffee mornings, toddler groups and so on? Perhaps you could suggest something like that instead of having her at your house, to kind of dilute the uncomfortableness of it all with other people.

porcamiseria · 02/01/2011 22:41

The swearing would mean I couldn't be her friend.

ha ha ha ha, you'd fucking hate me then!!!!!

PercyPigPie · 02/01/2011 23:05

If your friends feel the same (it sounds like you have all spoken about it) and also don't want to gang up on her as she is pregnant, could you maybe have an informal rota - whereby for instance you each arrange to meet up with her once a week. If you know you only have to put up with her for an hour a week and know that someone else will entertain her the other days, you may feel more able to cope with her.

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