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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel pure hatred towards my MIL?

20 replies

tunecedemalis · 02/01/2011 15:40

This story starts fourteen years ago when I met my DH- my MIL hated me then and still does. My university education and part time career offend her. I have three gorgeous kids all under ten but over 5. MIL had lots of affairs when she was married to FIL- eventually marrying the alcoholic next door. She was an irresponsible and neglectful mother from what DH says. I have made every effort- days out, meals, gifts- all to no avail. Her husband sent a letter about me to all family members four months ago- he claimed I was neglectful as my children are vegetarian, I buy non iron school uniform and I foster, plus my kids always ask their grandmother for treats so i don't feed them. MIL left him as he was violent. She is now back with him but has not spoken to us or kids for three months- found out today she is back with him and feels awkward about letter and so will not see or speak to kids as oldest knows about it. DH and I devastated- don't know what to tell kids. In laws lavish all love on step-grandchildren and SIL son- I don't get it at all. Have offered to send kids with just DH and to stay away but to no avail. I really hate her.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 02/01/2011 15:41

mutual hatred then

I don't know, seems a right mess on the whole. How does dh get on with her?

Original poster
tunecedemalis · 02/01/2011 15:44

Have to be honest- didn't start off hating her- but today- with attack on kids- I think it's hate!!!! OMG talk about bad karma!

OP posts:
aPixieInMyCaramelLatte · 02/01/2011 15:47

Sounds awful.

You're better off out of it I think.

SugarMousePink · 02/01/2011 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
tunecedemalis · 02/01/2011 15:56

Good question SugarMouse probably cos DH has very little family and FIL does not have contact with him either (different reasons though)- think DH really just wants to have a mum like everyone else- he would like to go for a coffee or take her out for lunch. I guess even if she is rubbish she's the only mum he's got- feel a bit sad now :(

OP posts:
SantasENormaSnob · 02/01/2011 15:57

Fuck them off

BootyMum · 02/01/2011 16:52

But it needs to be a two way street - you can't do all the running here. It doesn't sound as if MIL and her partner are making much of an effort and are actually being vindictive and spiteful towards you.

Agree with SugarMouse, if MIL was a neglectful and irresponsible parent and her partner is violent it is probably better that your children only see them occasionally under supervised conditions. So is it any great loss if they are not in your and your children's lives?

I guess DH must make his own decision on this and whether he wants to spend time with his mother or not. I agree it is sad as she is the only mother he has but she may still not really be worth his time and effort...

curlymama · 02/01/2011 17:03

She sounds vile. I think I would try and put her out of my head as much as possible. of course you will feel angry about how she has treated the people you love most in the world, but try and remember that she is the one missing out on the most.

All you can do is support your DH in whatever way he wants to handle her.

AMumInScotland · 02/01/2011 17:08

I'm not quite sure why you reserve your hatred just for your MIL here - it was her husband who wrote the letter about you, and she is sufficiently uncomfortable about it to not try to get in contact with you or the children. She does sound a mess, but a mess who has gone back to an abusive husband and doesn't seem to be capable of breaking away from a violent alcoholic. A mess who had a miserable first marriage - you make it sound like that was all on her side, but then you say FIL is no saint either, so maybe there were faults all through the marriage?

I'm not saying she sounds like a great mum and granny, and you can choose whether or not she is someone you want in your lives. But I doubt she's just a terrible person for no reason, so hatred is maybe a bit too much.

Original poster
tunecedemalis · 02/01/2011 17:15

Thanks all- yes she has her reasons for being awful- which is why I have smiled and kept quiet for so long- I guess hurting my kids is a step too far. My FIL openly states he never wanted children and spent as much of their childhood as poss living away with work. I don't think I have a choice now anyway as she doesn't want to see DH, me or DC. I think I am more angry with MIL than her husband as what he wrote in that letter related to things she knew and he didn't which kinda means she contributed. Poor DH- just wanna wave a magic wand

OP posts:
borderslass · 02/01/2011 17:20

I'd keep well away that's what we've decided with my MIL after everything she's put DD2 through.
Make it a new year new start.Smile

onceamai · 02/01/2011 17:28

Why on earth would you even want your DC to have anything to do with people like this? Stay well away and plough your own furrow.

ratspeakeratHogmanay · 02/01/2011 17:58

Right, so a violent abusive alcoholic writes an abusive letter and says your worst points are that the kids are vegetarian, you dont iron the school uniforms, you are acceptable to social services as foster parents and your kids ask granny for treats?

Did the letters recipients find that as silly as I did?

Sour grapes is the first thing that springs to mind

Your MIL shows little good judgement in her own life so why worry what she thinks of you.
You seem to be doing a far better job than she or her husband, 1st or 2nd, have done

Original poster
tunecedemalis · 02/01/2011 18:48

You know Rat- put like that- it does seem kinda daft. I suppose there are plenty of worse things I could be! So wish for DH he could have been born into a nicer family- mind you I guess plenty more people feel that way too about their families.

OP posts:
katiestar · 02/01/2011 18:54

I don't really get why it is your MIL you hate and not your FIL
he is the one who sent the nasty letter.Her is the one who abused your MIL.
You don't know what was going on when your DH was little and probably your DH doesn't know the full story either

Original poster
tunecedemalis · 02/01/2011 19:17

No Katie- I agree I don't know what goes on behind closed doors. My MIL has made the comments in the letter verbally before anyway- MIL drinks loads too and always has. The guy who wrote the letter isn't my FIL he's the bloke my MIL is married to- I do know my MIL left my DH alone with his sibling every Xmas from when he was 10 and I know that she turfed out his sibling who was not yet an adult when she married her partner. To be honest the guy my MIL married is irrelevant- he means nothing to me DH or DC. MIL is the one severing contact and hurting my kids- and, if I'm really honest, I could never excuse her for that.

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 02/01/2011 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 02/01/2011 20:04

i dont understand why at all.

shes a fucking cow and a bitch - and even though its his mother - why would he want to have contact with a woman who speaks about his WIFE that way.

shes a fucker

your dh is a nob

fuck them off

Tortington · 02/01/2011 20:05

fuck the mother and partner off - not the dh!

Original poster
tunecedemalis · 02/01/2011 22:21

Custard you make me laugh! Thank you I needed that!Grin

OP posts:
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