To think this was insulting

[swanandduck]

We were in a friend's house for lunch today. There was myself and dh and our kids, my friend (the hostess) who is single and has nochildren and another couple who have two kids. The wife of the other couple was talking about something that had happened to her in work years ago and how it had really upset her because she had no children at the time and 'your work is your life when you've no children isn't it?'. The hostess just asked if anyone wanted more rice and we changed the subject but I could see she was annoyed. She asked me afterwards if people see her like that, all work and no personal life because she didn't have children. (She is absolutely not like that). Do any other posters with children really think like that? I enjoyed my job but didn't let it take me over before I had kids and I still enjoy my job and don't let it take me over now. I reassured my friend but am angry that someone was so tactless in front of her when she'd gone to a lot of trouble to entertain us.

I think it's vaguely rude, but probably for different reasons from most.

I don't necessarily see concentrating on one's career to be a negative thing, but I generally don't like all that 'back when I didn't have children' chat.

It very often slightly patronising and some parents tend to assume that all childless/free people think similarly and their existences are somehow lacking in meaning.

I also hate the whole 'you don't have kids, you don't understand' attitude. I have three, and don't think there's much I 'get' now that I didn't before.

Rant over.

'It's', not 'it'.

I think the person who made the comment about living to work pre kids was really talking about themselves and nobody else.

The fact your friend has taken it so personally does suggest it might be a soft spot though?

I would be insulted if someone implied that all I had in my life was my work.

YANBU. As you said, if a childless person made patronising remarks about mums being obsessed with their children and having nothing much else in her life, there would be a lot of mothers taking umbrage (quite rightly) at this sweeping statement.

Unfortunately, you do get people who think having children makes them superior to anyone without children and go around making silly and hurtful remarks like that.

Yes, but it doesn't mean your work is your life. Like Swan, I would find it insulting if someone implied that to me. If the friend had said 'and before I had children my work was my life' fair enough but she seemed to be taking it as a given that people without children are people without that extra perspective that makes you realise that there's more to life than just your job.

Actually I dont think its insulting at all. Its just the pov of one person based on how she felt before she had kids. Possibly she wasnt all work work work before she had kids, but looking back now, it feels to her like she was. If her and her other childless friends at the time were work obsessed then that is how she will assume everyone is. I think Giddy is right that "you" in this case meant "me".

I think that you and your friend are both being a wee bit sensitive!

To be honest, I remember before I had kids having people constantly making remarks like 'oh you wouldn't understand' or working with people who thought having no kids meant having no responsibilities or meaningful existence outside the office so why shouldn't you be the one to stay late for a meeting or provide holiday cover?? I also remember going for promotion once and asking a colleague with a daughter if she was applying and the reply was 'oh God no, I have a life'.

Yes, they were just thoughtless people not representative of the majority of us but I can understand how the OPs friend has become quite sensitised to remarks like that and takes offence where none was probably intended. There are some very complacent, I'm a mum so I trump everyone, type people out there who are very annoying when you don't have kids yourself.

Also don't forget for many people getting married and having children is the only family they ever have. Others have a close family before and after. Parents, siblings, nephiews, nieces...thats family aswell. You might be at work but your mind is at your mum's operation or your nephiew's first day at school (or your passionate night with your lover!). There are always more important - and more fun - things than work.
Our lives have many pieces.
But maybe people who say these comments havn't experienced very strong relationships before marriage and dcs and maybe didn't have extended family.

I deffo agree that it's probably a relection of the person who said it.

I have a friend who has said:
"you get so much done because you don't have children"

I explained to her that it has nothing to do with that, just that i got on with what i need to do. I don't have a ton of time as i am out of the house for work for 10 hours per day, and still have to cook dinner/do laudry/clean etc when i get home, so i just have to manage my time really well.

She is a SAHM with all her kids at school and i think her comment was because SHE felt like SHE should be able to acheive more - especially with the kids at school all day.

What helps for me is that work doesn't define me. Work is what i DO not what i AM so i don't have a problem leaving work behind at the end of the day.