"Breastmilk shouldn't be pregnant. She has heart disease" AIBU to be upset by that comment?

[BreastmilkDoesAFabEggnogLatte]

It was said to DH in my absense by an individual with neither any knowledge of the details of my heart disease, nor any medical training.

My life expectancy is probably around normal, and DH will be as fully and completely involved as a parent with DC2 as he is with DD. And if I become too ill to work, we will still manage both practically and financially. So it's not as if we didn't think this through.

AIBU to be really upset? Or should I just accept that it's my fault for having told the bigotted sod concerned soul that I was pregnant?

And either way, how do I respond to such a comment?

Thanks, all of you.

I'm upset really because of the implication that I'm somehow not allowed to be a mother. A few months before we began to TTC I mentioned that we were planning a DC2 to several childcare professionals (none of whom had any knowledge of the details of my heart problems, nor any medical training) and was completely taken aback by the judgmentalism and condemnation I received... so to get a similar reaction from someone I thought was a friend really, really hurts. Then I hear echoes of eugenics and I get angry.

At the moment, I can't quite manage the thicker skin I know I need to develop. But as I said in an earlier post, I have no social life other then MN and am fairly unbothered by my own hermitude, so have no problem avoiding people I don't trust not to make crap comments...

Would a (((HUG))) help? It really is crap when people are talking out of their arses make thoughtless comments about things that are none of their business. I can see why you're upset - if I read you right, you think they're implying that you're being thoughtless and selfish and simply went ahead conceiving a child that you might be not be healthy enough to raise. If I'm wrong, I really apologize! But if they think that, they're utter idiots! I can't imagine any sane woman who knows she has any kind of health condition not giving thought to her children's future and whether she'll be around to see it.

Don't, please, don't take their comments as a reflection on you. The comment shows much more about the speaker and his/her utter twattishness.

I don't know if I'm making any sense but just wanted to add some comfort, your last post really sounds like you need it. xxJM

Congratulations!

I'm hoping to get pregnant and have dd - 2.10. I am very healthy, but might be in a car accident tomorrow (not planning on it but it is possible), am I being irresponsible?

Probably just ignorant. Life is unpredictable for us all - knowing you have a condition just means you are aware of it and the doctors can keep a check on you.

Good luck.

YANBU :)

I suppose it depends how it was said really whether he WBU or not though. He's either concerned about your health (or DH's job!) or he's a twat - either way, don't let it get to you and work on getting that thicker skin!

Don't attribute to malice what can be attributed to stupidity!!

Or just ask if he would like to call your specialist as he seems to think he knows better!

YABU . The individual concerned is a prat, he made an off the cuff thoughtless remark, he's not a close friend, why do you care? And there's certainly no need to justify your sensible and thoughtful decisions to a prat or anyone else.

Why did your DH bother to mention this to you anyway - hardly worth reporting! If he was upset he would ideally have answered the guy straight back with a put down as per examples above.

Of course you feel sensitive about it. Why shouldn't you. BTW I also have a heart 'condition' (what a phrase!), details not required, but several childhood ops and one DD, so feel it's OK to buck the polite trend. I'll shut up now and very good luck by the way, great news.

It depends what your doctors have told you about pregnancy ?If they have said that it is safe for you to be pregnant YANBU

Thanks again, all of you. ChippingIn I think you're right that there was no malice, just lack of thought. And rhubarb yes, I have no reason to really care what he thinks.

I'm calming down about it all now. I haven't got the energy to stress.

katie The specific heart problem I've got is extremely rare in women young enough to get pregnant, so no real medical advice exists on pregnancy. But there's no evidence either of pregnancy putting either the baby or myself at massive risk, either... or no more so than the risk of getting hit by a car, anyway. So whereas safety can never be guaranteed and life always involves risk... I'll probably be OK...

And thanks for the hugs. I know they're not really the done thing here, but still much appreciated...

Breastmilk

I work with a medical team who provide support and care for people with heart conditions, and one of the things the nurses say is that you are actually in a safer position than many people as your condition is known about and therefore managed. Many people are walking about with unknown heart conditions, or prospective heart conditions, and they are going to be at greater risk, because it is unknown, if that makes sense. Just a little nugget for you to throw at people in future :)

Certainly, I feel safer now than I did before I was diagnosed. Makes a lot of sense...

Ah, I see. Well, try and put their comment out of your mind and just focus on the joy of your soon to be larger family! :)

It surprises me how many people are judgemental about people with medical conditions/disabilities becoming parents, and I agree, there is often a whiff of eugenics in it. Better a parent with a medical condition than one with nasty prejudices, I say. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and just regard comments like this as a little bit of insight into a weakness of mind that your friend unfortunately has.

Yanbu my mum had heart disease and had two children...speaking as one of those children I'm bloody glad she did otherwise i wouldnt exsist!. She did get very unwell and die during my childhood ( without meaning to put a downer on this) but I wouldn't have chosen a) a different mother or b) not to exist at all!

I've had this many times, I have bipolar so completely different, but same senario.

I have two dc who I already had at diagnosis, but whenever I mention a third to ANYONE I get a look then a coment about it being fair on the child or how would I cope? With a head tilt! (erm, what about my two already, should I have to give them up or something?).

Feel your pain but no advice, sorry.

Fernie I'm sorry that you lost your mother too young. I just hope and pray that should the same thing happen to DD and DC2 that they will know that I loved them, and will be similarly glad to have been born. I'm not scared of dying but I am scared of leaving my children behind. So thank you for your kind words on what must be a really painful topic for you.

wolf and onfeet Thanks. Really helpful both.

BabyDubs Ah yes, that subtle inflection of the head, that meaningful tilt. The last time I got one of those (when pregnant last time) DH stood beside me reclining his ear onto his shoulder. But seriously, I'm sorry you're going through this. I would imagine that stigmatisation of having a mental rather than a physical illness makes the reactions you get very much worse, and harder to deal with.