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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel excluded and pissed off (especially on behalf of my DCs)

48 replies

WilhelminaFewFriends · 01/01/2011 14:56

We have next-door neighbours with DCs similar ages to ours, they play frequently together and get on really well. We seem to be pretty friendly with the parents.
However on several occasions they have done something which I and the DCs find really hurtful. And I'm not sure I'm over-reacting.
Today was a classic example, the kids next door came and called on mine, spending hours at our house. I even called next door and offered to provide them with lunch, an offer which was gladly accepted.
Then about an hour or so later, the children were summoned back home to participate in the party which the parents had been preparing. Other children of mutual friends were attending but not us.
My DCs have just spent the last hour wistfully staring over the garden fence at their friends enjoying themselves without them.
This is not the first time this has happened, the neighbours had several BBQs throughout the summer, to which we were not invited. And on many of these occasions we had their kids at our house whilst they, unbeknown to us, made preparations for thier festivities.
I'm fed up of trying to soften the blow with my own DCs when I feel they have been unceremoniously dumped. I don't want to be best mates with the neighbours, but, if it were me, I'd have automatically extended an invitation to the people who'd been entertaining my kids, or at least the kids.
So AIBU and WWYD?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 01/01/2011 14:59

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable. It seems really rather rude of them, especially as it's not a one off.

I dont think theres a lot you can do about it though, other than not being so hospitable to their children which seems a little mean.

BeerTricksPotter · 01/01/2011 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenSconetta · 01/01/2011 15:00

YANBU, people suck and have a brass neck on them. Personally I would limit my contact with them where possible, which will lessen the blow a bit I guess.

mutznutz · 01/01/2011 15:01

I hate to say it but it sounds like although their kids are friends with yours..your neighbours don't seem very keen on you? Sad

I can see no other reason why they would invite mutual friend's children and not you and yours. Maybe they thought you were offering lunch as a way of getting your kids an invite?

I dunno, there's nowt as queer as folk. But I wouldn't let my kids spend an hour staring over the fence...I'd call them in straight away otherwise they're going to look a bit 'desperate' if you know what I mean.

Original poster
WilhelminaFewFriends · 01/01/2011 15:04

thank you. I am fuming silently Angry
oh and another thing, my DCs wanted their DCs to have a sleepover tonight. Their DM said she would speak to her DH about it and let me know. Surely that would bt the perfect opportunity for a "thank you, but we have other plans".
I just hope they don't try and send the kids over later, hospitality may run very thin.
DH is fuming, he's never witnessed this first-hand before and thought I was over-reacting. however, seeing our DD sadly stood at the back fence broke his heart Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
WilhelminaFewFriends · 01/01/2011 15:08

mutznutz - you're probably right Sad
actually an hour was a bit of an exaggeration. I did call them in but they kept going back.
I didn't know they were having a party till the kids were whipped away.

OP posts:
mutznutz · 01/01/2011 15:09

Well I'd give them a wide birth from now on...just let the kids play together but I would really limit your hospitality Sad

EldritchCleavage · 01/01/2011 15:10

Sorry, but it sounds as though you are not really friends, nor are they sounding interested in fostering friendships between the children. It loks as though you and your DH are used for child-minding while they get ready to entertain their actual friends. Up to you to decide whether you are happy to put up with that for your DCs' sake. but you'll have to manage their expectations so they don't keep getting upset about being excluded.

2muchtodo2littletime · 01/01/2011 15:12

I agree with QueenSconetta. I would limit contact too. I've had a similiar situation with friend of DD1 - she came to play several times but DD1 wasnt invited to her birthday. I'm not bothered but have a sensitive DD who was 5 and upset. Your kids deserve better so dont be so nice next time - eg say they cant come round as you are taking your DC's to the park etc

SantasENormaSnob · 01/01/2011 15:32

I get where you are coming from but perhaps they can't accomodate another family joining their parties.

Maybe they think you will clash with other guests, that they will have to be on best behaviour in front of you, can't afford to cater for you. there are loads of reasons why you may not be invited.

Maybe they swing when the kids go to bed Shock

SantasENormaSnob · 01/01/2011 15:38

Oh and btw I tend to have all the neighborhood children around ours but that is because my dcs ask and enjoy it, not that I am babysitting for the parents or doing them any favours.

Tbh I am not sure why you feel you should be entitled to attend their parties at all. Presuming they don't ask or expect you to have and feed their dc.

pigletmania · 01/01/2011 15:39

That is rude of them, you have been too soft for too long. Dont be hospitable to them or their kids. Cant the kids play in a neutural location like a park. You provided them with lunch Shock, and they have been rude in the past like this. They see you as a soft touch and a doormat, stop being so. By all means dont not let the kids play with them, but dont also put yourself out for them. Some people are just takers and they dont see anything wrong, I would feel so uncomfortable doing this that i would feel the need to reciprocate the hospitality in some way.

Original poster
WilhelminaFewFriends · 01/01/2011 15:49

SantasENormaSnob: you do talk some sense, they have never asked me to accommodate thier children, I have always cheerfully offered for the benefit of my dcs.
However, like pigletmania, if the situation was reversed I would feel compelled to reciprocate, or at least politely refuse any offers.

OP posts:
OldAndUngraceful · 01/01/2011 15:49

YANBU
They're taking advantage
They're being rude and thoughtless
But you are allowing them to treat you that way
So don't

sleepingsowell · 01/01/2011 15:54

I think it's just differing expectations. Clearly to the neighbours you are just that - neighbours. The kids play together because they are kids and want to. It doesn't follow that you become part of their social circle.
But your expectation is that the link through the kids makes that social link happen - I don't think they'te being rude necessarily I just don't think they think of you as friends.

If it were me I'd let the kids play together but expect no more than that, and if giving the neighbours kids lunch or meals etc makes you feel resentful if nothing comes back socially, then just don't do it anymore.

SantasENormaSnob · 01/01/2011 15:55

When I have next doors child in it's because my dd wants her to play. Not to help her parents. I would be mortified if they felt they had to reciprocate in some way.

If you feel like they should reciprocate then you should stop offering IMO. I bet they won't ask or expect if you don't offer in the first place.

cat64 · 01/01/2011 15:56

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LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 01/01/2011 15:57

It sounds like they send the kids over to get out of their way whilst they get everything ready Sad

NineNieciesDancing · 01/01/2011 15:57

YANBU

Don't cut all contact or anything drastic for the sake or your children but I would not be offering anything other than a few hours of play time in the future. Send them back to their own house for meals and definitely no sleep overs. They are using you, maybe not deliberately but they are still being thoughtless.

Do your children ever go round to their house?

cat64 · 01/01/2011 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NineNieciesDancing · 01/01/2011 15:59

cat64 - I think the point is that the friends the neighbours had over were mutual friends - they aren't a different group. They all know one another.

pigletmania · 01/01/2011 16:00

Dont offer Whilhelmenia, dont feel you have to, dont, it does not sound like its appreciated, and they do take advantage by sending them over to yours when theya re busy. And if they the kids come round and your busy or dont want them, dont be afraid to refuse them and say no. I thinks its about pride, they see you as a walkover, you are too nice Smile

starfishmummy · 01/01/2011 16:02

I think that I would.start to be a bit less hospitable - by all means let the kids come.round.to play for a short while but after say, an hour, then it's time for them to go because you are doing something else; and certainly i think i would be sending them home for lunch if they have turned up unexpectedly.

borderslass · 01/01/2011 16:03

DD2 was friends for years from the age of 2 with girl across the path from us they where in and out of each others houses all the time she often had meals there an other girl here, DD2 went out with them but other girl never allowed with us [only child] but even though other mum and I are friendly with each other we never socialised with each other.
My friends and children's friends are separate it's better that way causes less problems.

CalamityKate · 01/01/2011 16:04

YANBU, IMO.

Fair enough if, as suggested, they're not keen on you or whatever (although I doubt that's the case) - but if that IS the case, they shouldn't be using you as a babysitting service.

I certainly wouldn't have the heart - or cheek - to let my children spend lots of time with/be looked after/fed by people whose children I then intended to leave out of parties etc. That's not only cheeky, it's mean.

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