To be silently resentful of my MIL's earnest craft work?

[Puffykins]

My MIL means well. She doesn't live close to us, so we very seldom see her (in fact, she has only met DS once) but she has very kindly made him a quilt for his cot. Which is lovely.
This Christmas (his first Christmas) we spent with my parents, as we spent last Christmas (mine and DHs first married Christmas) with PIL.
I meant to make DS a stocking this year - I've bought the felt and everything, but somehow in between looking after him and buying all the other Christmas presents and everything else I didn't quite get around to putting it together, and this year Father Christmas put DS's presents into one of my father's skiing socks -which is what we've always used as stockings at home. I recounted this to MIL in an email, in a chatty sort of fashion, but made it clear that I fully intend to make DSs stocking ready for next year.
However, by return of email, she tells me that she's knitting DS a stocking. She also tells me that she's making him an advent calendar with pockets for treats. And, underlying all of this, is the assumption that we will go to them next Christmas.
I'm irritated on so many levels, and don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not - I'm irritated that she's making the same thing that I'm already making (and I know that hers will be superior as it will be better and not just bits of felt ineptly stitched together but that's not the point); I'm irritated that she's making an advent calendar when I've been looking forward to opening the doors of the advent calender that I have chosen with my children since I was a teenager; finally I'm irritated that she's assuming that we're going to go to them when my husband and I would love to spend Christmas alone next year - and yet I know that she's banking on our going as emails are saying things like 'I'm already thinking of ways to make next Christmas really special for your DS'.
Equally, I know that we don't have to use the stocking or the advent calendar - but then I'd feel guilty at her expended effort - and I know that I should either get my husband to explain about next Christmas or else just suck it up and deal with it (MIL has three other children and obviously we'd go and see her another time and are in fact taking DS up to see her next month, and she is welcome to come and see us whenever she'd like to but never comes. Despite my having invited her several times.)
Am I being unreasonable? Should I keep my seething silent?

hey you can never have too many advent calendars! you can have it both ways

use one stocking as a decorative thing, and use yours as his real stocking

i know from experience that wool is NOT the way to go. it stretches and you need a LOT of pressies to fill it up :)

i'd say your main problem is how to break it to her that you'd really like Christmas on your own next year

Could you not use both - hers and yours?

Perhaps decide with your hubby now what arrangements you will make for next Christmas and then give your MIL the options (that you can live with) for her to choose one.

Aw, I think I can see both sides here. It doesn't really deal with the underlying issue but I would suggest:

1. Stocking - use MIL's as a decoration
2. Advent calendar - use your own, she won't know anyway
3. Visiting - more difficult to deal with but let your DH sort it.

My answer is probably the one you'd give yourself. Let her know NOW that the third Christmas is going to be a 'just you at home' one, so she doesn't get carried away with her fantasy jolly - you can schedule another year (2012?) with her and let her do her stuff on that basis. You can thank her tremendously for the calendar & stocking, and let your kids have doubles.

It's clearly best to assume she does this for the pleasure of creating & giving and treat her with due considerationt!

I think she just sounds very excited at the prospect of a Christmas with you. If you decide to spend it alone can you not invite her for a party tea on the evening or a separate day - or even for the lunch itself after a private morning of opening presents with your dh and ds? I personally think you're being a bit oversensitive about the crafty things she's making but can understand how this had the power to wind you up (it would me too but for no logical reason). It would be very hard explaining this gripe to your dh too. Just say thank you very much and use them - use your talents for something else special.

I can see why you are upset, but honestly, just let it go - use both stockings/advent calendars.

As for Christmas, nip it in the bud now. Talk to DH and decide what you two want to do next year - tell both sets of parents NOW.

You could do PIL/YPS/YourHouse so a 3 year cycle or you could say now that you have children and you have done one year at each when DS was little, you want DS to have Christmas in his own house, with his new toys etc but you will see them the weekend after Christmas (or whatever suits you).

Don't let them spend any more time assuming it will be one year at theirs and one year at your parents as the longer you leave it, the more hurt they will be.

i think you are being unreasonable

I'd leave it until end of Jan then say you've been thinking/talking it over and have decided next year will at home. By then Christmas is a distant memory and she'll not be as bothered as if you say it now.
If you offer some alternatives too (Boxing day lunch?) then you can sweeten the pill.
Just accept her crafty offerings and use want you want - don't worry hers are better - she's got loads more time than you afterall.

Don't worry about the advent calendar. My mum made one for each of my children when they were babies (they are beautiful and I love them) and they have those plus a chocolate one each. Some years when they were younger they also had a window one to share - the more the merrier!

Stocking is frustrating ...

Visiting, get your DH to tell her your plan was for one year with them, one with your parents and one at home and that you'd love to come to theirs the year after. I guess she's just assuming that you will be alternating so get your plans known sooner rather than later!

(Oh and get her involved now in buying the gifts to go in the pocket advent calendar every year - maybe she buys 12 and you buy 12 - or she does the whole thing - what a lovely tradition for her to start, lol! It can get pricey and tricky to find 24 things as they get older!)

Thank you all so much. And thank you for understanding my totally illogical resentment of the fact that she is doing something nice and kind and generous. (Cupcakebakerer - you are right - my DH doesn't understand at all!)
I'm going to endeavour to persuade DH to explain to her about Christmas. Inviting them them for part of it is not an option as they live 8 hours drive away. I've just got to get DH to do it soon! (He's apt to procrastinate, and this is also why I'm irritated - he'll leave it, I'll end up having to tell her, and I'll be the Big Bad Wolf. Incidentally he didn't go home for a family Christmas for 10 years before we got married, so doesn't seem to understand that he needs to tell his mother that we're not going - nor does he understand why she assumes that we are going. I'm the one that she communicates with, due to the fact that I have a track record of replying to emails, which my husband doesn't. And they're not a close family, as I realised when I did go for Christmas, and noone really knew what to say to each other and my MIL spent all Christmas in her study and FIL in his and I sat by myself crying into a book - I was pregnant and emotional, admittedly - which is the other reason I'm reluctant to go.)

I think you are being unreasonable to be honest, but I sort of understand how you feel.

I think you have to let your PILs have something. Pick your battles - if you let them give your ds an advent calendar you'll enjoy seeing their enjoyment in it. You have to give in on the little stuff sometimes, then you don't feel so guilty when you have to take a hard line on other more important things.

Also re spending christmas alone - that's a shame for them. As your parents got to spend christmas with ds this year I can see how they naturally assume it's their turn next year. Do you really have to spend the whole day just you three? Can't you do santa presents at yours in the morning, then PILs for more presents and christmas lunch? Christmas is a family time.

I think you have to step back and look at these things objectively and ask yourself 'would I react this way if it was a friend offering?'. Sometimes decisions related to parents in law can be clouded by resentments and dislike (in my experience).

Just email and say thanks for stuff etc but you are not making any plans for next Christmas yet. In fact, you'd really like to have Christmases as home now you have DC as the travelling with children is stressful for all.

Don't commit to alternate Christmases for time immemorial.

Doesnt sound like your DH will get round to telling her. I would plant the seed in her head now frankly, even if it makes you feel like the bad wolf.

Again, thank you all. And deep down, I kind of know that I am being slightly unreasonable. AnyFule, that is good advice about picking battles. Thank you. I also like the concept of using the stocking that she is knitting as decoration.

Again, AnyFule, you've cut straight to the quick. If I'm honest, totally honest, I find it very hard to 'like' my MIL. I don't dislike her, just I don't naturally warm to her either, and our relationship is an effort.
However I know that I need to make that effort, if only for the sake of DH and DS and all the future DC.

1. Stocking - make your own and use that then use MIL's as a decoration or use both if a lot of presents......

1. Advent calendar - Get your own and use them both. have chocoate in one and little gifts in the other..

1. Visiting - Cant you udnerstand her there? your parents got to spend his first christmas with him so she would like to spend his 2nd? I think YABU there

She is trying to be invovled with your lives not trying to be over the top. A little give and take is needed.

I would spend next christmas with Inlaws then announce from then on they have each had a christmas and you will from now on spend it at home.

Do you know what her other kids do re christmas - do they all alternate every other year so is this why she is making this assumption or do they not go to her very often which is why she is making claims on you already for this one for example? If you know why she is expecting you, might be easier to tailor your explanation of how you are doing christmas next year.

I'd also send her a quick jolly email to say something along the lines of 'Sounds like you're trying to get next Christmas all stitched up before we've even finished this one yet! Please don't bother yourself with the stocking or advent calendar, it's all under control here and I'm sure you've got lots of better thing to occupy your time! Anyhow, as you know, DS had such fun opening our special advent calendar here this year that I can't wait to see him open it again next year, especially as it's our turn to have xmas at home, I'm really looking forward to being able to have my own go at creating our own family traditions !

Just keep it really light and jolly but at the same time make sure you get what you want to say in there and don't leave it to be open to interpretation - you don't want her to assume that she is invited if you are having it alone and for it to be the one time she does decide to visit you.

I can't add to the good advice here but just have to say:
Stay away from knitted stockings! In my experience they stretch as you put things in them and get bigger and bigger and BIGGER until you have to put loads more in them and it becomes a horrible vicious circle. Or maybe I was just unlucky in the past. Could your child develop a wool allergy?

Good luck

I know this is probably going to sound interfering and bossy, but you might not have thought of it if DS is your first child.

First christmases are not actually all that great, and neither are second ones, as the child doesn't have a clue...so I'd recommend spending next year with your MIL...it's the one after that will be special for your DS.
That way they've both had one with him, and you can say you're staying at home from then on!

I think getting into any kind of 'cycle' is potentially problematic!

puffykins, don't feel too bad, I could have written your post myself on dd's first christmas. Unfortunately as my DH is an only child we have little choice but to spend every christmas with the inlaws, but we try and have a bit of special time just with me, dh and dd (christmas eve is a big part of it, and we always do presents at ours). We HAVE to have MILs old christmas fairy on the tree - it's become a running joke (it's a doll with wings stuck on and it's feet are painted silver to look like shoes ) However I think we've reached a happy consensus now, even if sometimes it is accepting something graciously then hiding it in a cupboard.

Appreciate the difficulty if your inlaws are so far away!

Thank you - you are right Dansmommy - this Christmas was awful in part as we were at my parents with all my family (16 of us in total, and 8 dogs) my parents live in a huge crumbling freezing house, the baby alarm didn't stretch from DSs bedroom to the dining room, and everyone kept 'forgetting' that I had a baby so vanishing off to go tobogganing/ riding etc. leaving me and DH huddled alone in front of the fire with the baby, occasionally going out to walk him up the drive and back.

I feel, having had two rather miserable Christmases in a row, that I'd like to be with the family I have chosen - i.e. DH and DS - and to make plans that are DS friendly. We live in London, we can easily go for walks etc. Both my parents and PIL live in the country where, unless we carry the baby, there is nowhere pram/ buggy friendly to go and I end up feeling desperately claustrophobic - especially in the case of PIL as it's not on my home ground.
However, I do realise that this is me being selfish - and Dansmommy and AnyFule thank you THANK YOU for your diplomatic and helpful advice and . . ..
I think that we'll go to my PIL next year. Because you're right, DS won't really know what's going on. And then, the following year, WE'LL BE FREE. Plus we ought to have DC2 by then so going miles away won't be an option.

(Incidentally, I'd be delighted to have them here whenever, but they don't like to come and I have no idea why not.)

Well, that sounds like a good compromise Puffy - however, how will you feel going all that way if you are heavily pregnant with a toddler?

Probably ghastly but at least we'll have done it and don't worry I'll be nice when I get there . . . .

Oh - I wasn't the slightest bit worried about whether you'd be nice when you got there or not just whether you'd be up to travelling 8 hours, in what has become the horrible weather the week before Christmas with a toddler and possibly heavily pregnant - to go somewhere you don't actually want to go :(

Still, if you do it, then it's done and from then on it, it's their 'turn' to come to you before you even have to think about doing it again!

Well if they won't come to you, you can feel less guilty. Especially if you leave it as a open invitation.

I like the idea that do your MIL next xmas then reset your schedule. I personally feel once you've got kids then after a few years, xmas should be at yours anyway.

Use both stockings/calendars - hers' can be a decoration and yours the pressie one.

Howver, I would be insisting that Xmas is at your home from now one with invites to both sets of parents on an alternate year basis and if they won't/can't join you, tough!

If the travelling too much in the winter, why not have a mid-summer family get togetheryour parents and inlaws when travelling would be easier and you could all spend some time outdoors! I am sure you could even find a turkey!