I've been unreasonable but how do I fix it?

[Debretts]

I have a problem, which may not be a problem at all but I need some advice.

My son was offered full bursary at a famous school to start next year. We are all really happy and he is incredibly lucky but I have not told my best friend that we were looking into it, applying or that he won the award. She is anti private schools, which is fine but because of this I didn't know how to bring it up. I've got to tell her soon but I don't know how to and I'm worried she will be upset that I have kept this from her. I thought if I told her she would potentially not want to be friends with me but by not telling her I've probably made it worse. I just don't know how to bring it up without sounding like I am boasting and I also asked the primary school to keep it quiet as I didn't want him getting negative or positive attention. Part of me was concerned that if I told her then she may mention it to someone else in passing.

So how do I tell her without upsetting her. I adore her and I feel really crap for letting it get this far. :(

just be totally honest wth her. say you have been fretting about telling her and that you value her friendship but know she wont agree with sending son to the school.

Congratulations. You must feel proud. I understand your feeling completely. I was in exactly the same situation with my first child and am sad to say that we did lose friends over it. I have always been a labour supporter and live by choice in an inner city area with a real social mix. I understand objections to private schools and share the objections. But, I went an inner city comprehensive myself unlike many of the people who say you should send your child to a state comprehensive no matter what. Also, I am a teacher. If you went to a grammar school, small town comp or private school you have no idea what it is like to survive the reality of life in an inner city comprehensive. No idea at all. Having said that I would still prefer my children to go to state school. I am crossing my fingers that my second child gets into the local one. If she doesn't ( as is what happened with my first ) she will have to go to a private school. I don't really understand the snidey comments by a previous poster about a child ' secretly' doing private school tests while her mother is saying she's not sure what school she will go to. That is the fact of the way things are. You apply to many schools and wait and see.

Sorry to rant on ! I will echo what others say, that if your friend does not like your child going to private school then she is not a true friend. It's easy to say that but much more difficult to accept, from personal experience. It is hard and sad to lose friendships which don't survive principals. I would ask anybody who is thinking of breaking up a friendship for this reason to think long and hard about it. Are people really bad because they put the needs of their children before principals ?

Is your friend aware of your views re private schools?

Your views are as valid as hers and it really is none of her business where you send your child.

If she is a real friend she will see through this.

As for how do you tell her, just do it, give her a ring and tell her, don't apologise for it, just come out with it, and if she has a problem, well its her problem isn't it.

Agree with MABS.

In our family of 6 children, the offspring attends private, state, selective and home schooled.

Nobody comments on anyone elses choice and when all the DC get together at family functions, you wouldn't be able to line them up and pick how they are schooled.

They are all lovely polite high achieving individuals.

i agree with mabs too.

what kind of friend falls out over this?

It's not really any of her business. Also, just because you're friends doesn't mean you have to agree on everything. If she takes a stance on this she is being very unreasonable not to mention pushy and interfering.

It's none of her business, but if you feel like it's a dealbreaker then it probably is - because she's not acting as a true friend would. If you feel controlled by this then she needs to lighten up or you need to pull away.

She might be surprised that you have gone this route, but you can easily say that you didn't want to tell anyone until you knew what to say.

I think it's brilliant and congratulations - your son must be fab

OP, I have a slightly similar situation in that my closest friends disagrees vehemently with grammar schools - her DD (same age as my DS) was always going to go to the local high school.

My DS OTOH desperately wanted to go to a particular GS (we have 4 locally, would you believe!), so that's the route we took.

We never fell out over it - and she can see that the environment is a good fit for DS, and that he doesn't fit the mold of a typical grammar school child (very specific to this area - two of the schools have a reputation for turning out snobby, over-entitled boys).

I think you just need to be honest, and tell her that you've been fretting over telling her, you didn't mean to let it go on this long, but here's the situation. If she's a real friend, she'll give you a metaphorical slap for being such a pillock and worrying, and you can move on.

To be honest, I am baffled that people would get so involved in, and emotional about, where their friends' children are going to school. If it was the child's grandparents I would understand but other than that I cannot see why it matters to anyone except the parents and the child themselves.

Just tell her, and tell her that you felt too bad about telling her, and she'll probably feel terrible she would make a friend feel that way. I really don't understand falling out over school choices, my friends have different political leanings than me, spend their money differently than me and do lots of things that give me and my husband something to gossip about, but I like them. I had no idea that friendship was so conditional and am amazed at some of the stories on this thread.

I don't know where my children will spend the bulk of their education, we are pro-good schooling but quite poor at present. I was just going to see what came up!!!!

It's no-one else's business and if they can't share in your pride of your child's achievements then sod 'em!!

Congratulations to your son by the way, but I hope he doesn't pick up on any of your stress/worry over this...or he may end up being embarrassed/resentful of his own intelligence.

You should be proud of your choices ? Is your friend a prominent labour MP or something ? Or has your friendship involved a lot of shared values ie politics and now you think she may be critical of you as you are not sticking to your principles. I can understand this a bit as i did loose a lot of respect for Dianne Abbott when she sent her son to private school but at the end of the day it is your choice.