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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect people to stay at the table until I have finished eating?

52 replies

Mypombearisveryold · 28/12/2010 22:34

I cooked dinner for twelve on Christmas day, eight grown ups and four children (11,4,2,1)

I put the food on the set dining table and my husband asked everybody to come and help themselves.

I got my food last, and am a pretty slow eater.

As the others finished their meals they got up from the table, most thanked me, and went off.

I finished eating an hour after the first one started. I ended up finishing my dinner on my own.

Well actually with the one year old who was stuck in the high chair.

I'm always the last one eating so don't know what it feels like to be sitting at a table bored maybe.

AIBU?

OP posts:
upahill · 28/12/2010 23:31

Thank Goodness for that Mypombeard!!! Grin

GiddyPickle · 28/12/2010 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mypombearisveryold · 28/12/2010 23:36

I know!

OP posts:
upahill · 28/12/2010 23:39

We have just been out for a meal this evening and Dh's meal arrived long before everone elses. He refused to start eating dispite us telling him to get started.
He wouldn't dream of eating before anyone else or allowing the DC to start or for the boys to leave the table without me finishing.

Anything else is bad form under normal circumstances.

kickassangel · 28/12/2010 23:51

i would say it depends how formal the meal is - but for a big family meal, would expect some attempt to sit together. (mind you, how on earth you were there for an hour after some people started, i don't get - even if it took 20 mins to serve up, you then took 40 mins to eat, which is pretty slow, and i wouldn't expect other people to wait that long)

however, it is all just cultural - in austria, when we went for meals, they dishes came out as they were ready & people ate once it was in front of them. so in a big group, some had an entire meal, whilst others were waiting for a fiddly dish to be served up.

if eating out, i would be quite upset if one meal arrived way before or after the others.

Original poster
Mypombearisveryold · 28/12/2010 23:58

I put the food on the table at 3pm maybe five minutes past. My husband asked all our guests to come and help themselves. It was on the dining table as were their plates and cutlery.

I held back until they had finished serving themselves and then served myslef. They had all started eating.

When I finished my meal it was just after 4pm. So an hour after they had started.

I don't expect everybody to hang around and eat cold food, or to watch me eat, but a bit of company at the table after I have cooked the meal is very welcome.

OP posts:
foggyfig · 28/12/2010 23:59

YANBU! I cooked Christmas lunch, placed the serving dishes on the table, was just getting the jug of gravy from the kitchen area, turned around and the rude feckers had already starting eating. I had a huge dummy spit, told them that I was not their fecking lackey and they should not be so fecking rude and wait until we could all start together. Xmas Angry Xmas Blush

So rude and disrespectful. Just as well they did not all leave the table before I had finished lunch.

Original poster
Mypombearisveryold · 29/12/2010 00:05

Well done foggy

I wish I had said something at the time, maybe just to dh...

OP posts:
senua · 29/12/2010 00:30

The normal rule is that no-one starts until everyone is served and no-one leaves the table until everyone is finished.

BUT

"I eat slowly, but after cooking such a big dinner I didn't feel like eating a vast portion."

So it was a small portion but it still took you ages after everyone else?Hmm How about you speed up a bit? Consideration works two ways, you know.

senua · 29/12/2010 00:35

"I held back until they had finished serving themselves and then served myself."

Why? If you know you are a slowcoach, why deliberately ensure that you are the last to be served? Couldn't you all be served at the same time?

I put all the dishes on the table and we all helped ourselves: as one was having potatoes, another was having sprouts. We all served ourselves simultaneously apart from DH who was doing Manly Things with the turkey, so I loaded his plate.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 29/12/2010 00:39

last year my mum made Xmas dinner for 12 people, we al ate and then sat at the table for maybe another hour after everyone was finished, just chatting and drinking, no-one was in any rush to leave and sit in the living room because we would just be chatting and drinking there. also, we all helped with the dishes. if we had all left as soon as we had finished that meant the dishes were beinmg left for the slowest eater which happens to be my mum, and she cooked, tehre is no way we were going to leave all the dishes for her.

Katey1010 · 29/12/2010 00:40

I am putting on flameproof pants... My mother eats slowly and we were brought up to not ask to be excused until everyone is finished. I have spent years watching... her... slowly... chewing... chatting... hours... after... everyone... has... finished. My father says he only knows one person who eats more slowly. It has driven him mad for years and drives us mad too. We still sit there thought. It is very boring though!

Original poster
Mypombearisveryold · 29/12/2010 00:49

Oh no for gods sake a boringly slow eater. Slower than my husband and his brothers, yes but not silly slow. I've said this earlier, it's not a joke that I eat slowly.

I don't even think that I do eat that slowly, they just eat fast.

And when people come round to my house for dinner of course I am going to be served last, it would be nice if they waited for me to be ready to eat before starting themselves.

I think my own sister is posting against me now!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mypombearisveryold · 29/12/2010 00:54

Senua, I just felt like they shouldn't have left the table. I served the food at 3pm and finished eating at 4pm.

Nobody would have had to suffer that much, to sit at a dinner table for an hour.

One hour.

OP posts:
IloveJudgeJudy · 29/12/2010 01:09

I completely agree with you. As it was Christmas and that is usually a very slow meal in our family, the DC are allowed to leave the table before everyone else, if they ask, but all the adults still sit there talking. In fact, no-one ate quickly. The meal took a couple of hours, I think and then we had presents and then sat back down again for the pudding.

We went to my bro's this year and he and his DW put on a fantastic spread. We all ate starter together, helped put the main on the table. In our family, the people at the table put food onto the tables of the people making the meal, then everyone waits until all are served and eat at the same time.

I can't remember if you said anything to the others, but you certainly should have, like another poster further up the thread. I hope it doesn't happen again.

Ephiny · 29/12/2010 09:05

Sorry, I thought you meant their food was served and they then had to wait another hour before you joined them at the table. Agree completely it shouldn't be too much to ask adults to sit at the table for 1 hour total on Christmas Day! They were very rude in that case.

gorionine · 29/12/2010 09:16

Your guests would not be able to survive a family dinner with my extended family! We eat our meal, the children (after they ask)can leave the table and go to play while te adults spend the best part of the afternoon talking at the table. Me and my godmother clear the table and clean the dishes (we always do it as it is one of the few times we get to have a good heart to heart)and then go back to sit and enjoy chatting with the others! You should come once, there is NO WAY you'd seat at the table on your own!

Seriously, your guests were rude!

gorionine · 29/12/2010 09:18

Actually I am trying to think of an occasion, be it with friends or family , where the adults who have finished their meal just up and go and I cannot think of a single example!

diddl · 29/12/2010 09:21

Well an hour is a long time.

But if nothing else I´d expect my husband to stay!

gorionine · 29/12/2010 09:33

An hour is a long time?

Had a neighbour a couple of days ago for souper, not a big meal, just a mormal meal shared with our family. We sat down just before 7 and she left at 10, we just sat chatting after the meal, I thought that was what everyone did ! Now my neighbour probably thinks we are freaks!

GMajor7SwansASwimming · 29/12/2010 09:37

YANBU to expect manners at the table.

I'm a bolter mind you...can't stand even a hint of tepidness, so I stuff it down Blush

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 29/12/2010 09:44

I can't believe your dh left you on your own. We always sit and talk at the table. As a guest I couldn't have just got up and gone, who was the last person to leave you?

clam · 29/12/2010 09:47

I'm with gorionine. I cannot think of any occasion where it would be acceptable for everyone to bugger off from the table in this way.

We had just settled down to eat on Christmas Day when the phone rang. DH said "don't answer it" so we let it ring. As the answerphone clicked on we heard it was my cousin ringing to speak to my parents. They started twitching as they are of the generation that believes phone calls cannot be ignored Hmm . DH believes (and I agree) that if he/we have just spent a few hours preparing a lovely meal for everyone to enjoy, then it's bloody rude if you have to sit and listen to half a phone conversation at the table - or worse, in my mother's case, as she has recently taken to putting the receiver on loud speaker so dominating the entire room with both sides of an inane chat.
But then of course, we had to sit and listen to my parents clucking about how and when they were going to be able to phone cousin back, and where she was, and how did she get our number, and why was she phoning as she didn't last year so was everything all right and perhaps we ought to have answered after all and ..........AARRRGGGHHHH!!

Aims80 · 29/12/2010 09:47

If they're adults it's basic manners and decency to sit at the table and not start until everyone is seated and not leave until everyone has finished. It's incomprehensible to do otherwise! I'd be horrified if people did that at a meal I was at and say something.

diddl · 29/12/2010 09:55

I meant that an hour is a long time to be still eating after everyone else has finished.

I wouldn´t expect adults to leave the table unless someone needed to supervise the children.