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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be Really annoyed with my brother & his girlfriend....

32 replies

anythingwithagiraffeonit · 28/12/2010 18:47

This Christmas was my DD's first Christmas, so to me, it seemed extra special and I was extremely excited about it.

My birthday is a couple of weeks before Christmas, then my DH's is Christmas eve, and we have a tradition of going out to eat with all our friends and family for it, and then spending Christmas day and boxing day with my parents.

I booked a table for 25 people for Xmas eve... Including my brother, his gf and 2 ds's. (and paid a deposit per person!)

My birthday came around and they 'forgot' to turn up. That's fine.

My DH's birthday came around and I text and called my brother and his girlfriend loads in the lead up to it and got no response... They had previously said they would come and to book for them. I finally got through half hour before and was told they weren't coming, they were all too ill.

I said that I wishes they'd told me sooner (deposit etc being wasted) and I heard my brother tell her to put the phone down on me. She did.

Christmas being the next day, I didn't want to fight, so I called back to sort things out. My brother said 'it's not special, I can't be bothered with you" and put the phone down again.

They didn't turn up for Christmas, or boxing day. Yesterday my parents took all thier presents from everyone round to them but apparantly they had no room due to being ill and having crap everywhere... Kids toys, yesterdays dinner... (ugh... Seriously!!)

So the presents returned to my parents house unopened.

No one recieved anything from them, not even a card or a phonecall.

I really feel like Christmas was completely spoilt by them, I was looking forward to it so much and it's left me really down.

AIBU to be so annoyed? X

OP posts:
HappyHECmanay · 28/12/2010 18:50

No. You are not.

however, they have made their feelings clear.

They don't give a fuck about you.

Just get on with things without them. Leave them out, just don't bother with them.

They don't give a shit about you.

itsonlyblardychristmasday · 28/12/2010 18:50

hi

if they are that sick, yabu

is there more (back story)

sounds like they need help

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 28/12/2010 18:51

REturn their presents to the shops, buy something nice for yourself and family.

AlistairSim · 28/12/2010 18:52

They were ill!

I think you are being unreasonable, although i do think they should have let you know earlier that they wouldn't be coming to the dinner.

allnightlong · 28/12/2010 18:54

There sounds like something else is going on in the background, has there been a falling out or issues between family members?
It sounds very much like your brother is trying to distant himself from his family.

Take a step back and let him join in family time at their own pace rather than whats expected of them.
I have to agree on the point that I don't feel personally that my BIL birthday is a big deal but then again YANBU for being annoyed that he agreed but then didn't turn up.

HappyHECmanay · 28/12/2010 18:56

they forgot to turn up to her birthday

they were too 'ill' to come to the husband's birthday but didn't let anyone know! If you're ill - you call!

when the op said, quite understandably, that she wished they had let her know, her brother said that the phone should be put down on her

When she called back to try to smooth things over, her brother said he can't be bothered and put the phone down again

They refused to accept gifts taken round to them

Are you really saying she is being unreasonable because they were ill? Really?

Panzee · 28/12/2010 18:57

What Happy said in their first post. Don't bother with them, as sad as it may be.

Original poster
anythingwithagiraffeonit · 28/12/2010 18:59

I should add that I met my DH through my brother... They've been close for years, work and college before that.

We have all been really close until this past year really...

And I know that they were ill... But just a cold, not exactly deaths door when you consider that lounging on a sofa watching Christmas eastenders being waited on my my mum isn't exactly a stretch :p

It just feels really upsetting. Maybe I built it up too much. X

OP posts:
TracyK · 28/12/2010 19:00

Unless the 2 of them are going through something that you don't know about??

I remember my brother etc not coming round for Xmas one year and after me throwing a real big strop re gp's, dgkids etc - I realised later in the year that dsil had depression and they had more on their plate than they let on.

activate · 28/12/2010 19:01

can't juddge in isolaation - is there a background to this story?

if they have previously been really into family stuff then something is obviously wrong and I'd be worried rather than annoyed

if they have always been snippy then fuck 'em

CubaCat · 28/12/2010 19:10

Seriously Alistairsim, being ill doesn't turn someone into being a rude little shit to close relatives. You are excusing their behaviour, when really there is no excuse for telling your sister you can't be bothered with her and ordering your girlfriend to hang up on her! If there is a problem or issue, they should vocalise it, not behave like a rude, arrogant twat.

Anythingwith I agree with the poster above who suggested taking a step back. You mentioned you called and text your bro and his gf "loads" in the run up to the meal but they never responded. I think this was your hint. Don't text or call again, as they clearly don't want you to. I think they are very rude to reject your family's presents though, and their 'reasons' for doing so are, quite frankly, ridiculous. What did your parents say about it all? Do you/your parents think there's more to it?

Original poster
anythingwithagiraffeonit · 28/12/2010 19:11

No real background... It was my brothers birthday in December as well and we were all together for that, and looking forward to Christmas!

I suppose we've seen them a lot less since my DD was born 11 weeks ago but isn't that to be expected? X

OP posts:
Original poster
anythingwithagiraffeonit · 28/12/2010 19:13

My parents are understandably upset... And they did remark that the house was the worst they've ever seen it, although, they're not really tidy tidy people anyway... Mess and stuff just doesn't phase them.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 28/12/2010 19:13

Either they were ill or they are not getting one.

But you shouldn't have let it ruin your Christmas.

If they are twats let it go and ignore them and concentrate on your own life.

VivaLeBeaver · 28/12/2010 19:17

They may have been ill, which would excuse the not turning up for dinner though they should have warned you. However it does not excuse your brother telling his gf to put the phone down on you, nor does it excuse sending presents back. How rude of them.

How have things been between you before this, I assume there have been problems before?

I wouldn't be tempted to have any further contact.

activate · 28/12/2010 19:18

something is seriously wrong then - depression / drugs / terrible news

something has happened to change them and I wouldn't be annoyed - well I'd try not to be

VivaLeBeaver · 28/12/2010 19:22

Might they be jealous of you with the new baby and they're not the centre of attention from your parents any more? Confused

thenightsky · 28/12/2010 19:22

It all sounds very weird... especially the bit about not accepting the presents because the house was a tip Confused I've never heard of some refusing presents under those circumstances.

Do you think your brother and his DP have had some massive 'thing' happen which means they are both upskittled?

It all sounds way off the normal scale of falling out amongst families.

FrostyAndSlippery · 28/12/2010 19:25

It definitely sounds like there are Issues here, probably something none of you know about. They are having some kind of trouble I'd imagine - maybe they are under major stress about Something but can't tell anyone?

taintedsnow · 28/12/2010 19:25

My first thought was something to do with your baby. I'm not excusing their behaviour, because for all we know they could just be fuckwits, but I'm wondering if something has happened and they're finding it hard to be around family? Could your DB's girlfriend have had an MC or something like that? I'm just trying to think of things that would cause behaviour which, to outside eyes, would seemed completely irrational.

LostArt · 28/12/2010 19:27

Do you think you may have built up this Christmas because it's your DD first? Your post sounded like you were planning a lovely time - your birthday, your husbands birthday, your DD first Christmas. If something is wrong in their lives, p'haps they are not feeling as joyful as you. I'm not excusing their behaviour, just seeing it from their perspective.

TheMonster · 28/12/2010 19:29

What strange behaviour. Try not to let it ruin your festive season. It's is their problem, not yours.

clam · 28/12/2010 19:37

Think taintedsnow might have it. Makes sense.

FortunateHamster · 28/12/2010 19:41

Like activate and possibly taintedsnow, I think something has happened which is making them behave this way. Cooping themselves up and turning presents away is just odd and goes beyond 'normal' rudeness and makes me wonder if there is something seriously wrong with them.

Original poster
anythingwithagiraffeonit · 28/12/2010 20:39

Thanks everyone for your replies. I know that first baby / first baby's Christmas can cause a bit of a selfish bubble, but equally, we made a huge fuss of her DS's big milestones and I think that's one of the reasons I'm so crushed.

OP posts:
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