to wait until I'm 40 before TTC DC3?

[orangutangerine]

I have a DS aged 4 and a DD aged 2 who I am really enjoying and love to bits but they wear me out and certainly keep me on my toes. I always thought I'd have three children but I feel that things are just starting to get easier. I don't enjoy the baby stage particularly and the thought of going through it again imminently fills me with dread.

I'm thinking though that once both DCs are in full-time education I may decide to have another. It would be easier then and I'd have more one to one time to the new baby.

However, I will be 40 at that point. And the kids will be 7 and 5. Do you think it would be selfish of me to wait, considering the increased risks at that age, and the bigger age gap for the kids?

lots of women have children aged 40

but you may find that your fertility has declined somewhat by then, and you may end up regretting leaving it so late

it is a myth that women can have babies whenever they like (even when conceived easily before), especially after 35, when your chances of becoming pg take a sharp nose dive

it does, and can happen, of course but if you are adamant rather than just it would be nice but not that fussed then I would say get on with it sooner than that

No, you wouldn't be unreasonable. You should have children when YOU want them, not as part of a plan based on the other siblings and how you hope they will interact.
There are too many uncontrollable factors if you start doing that. The only factor you can control is 'do I want a baby now'.
I know from experience that children 18months apart can 'hate' each other and others 10 years apart can end up very close.

Personally I wouldn't . Not because 40 is too old to have a baby (it isn't) but because you'll have a pretty big age gap - think ahead to when the children are older, and you have two teens and one much younger. Also, speaking as someone who prefers the slightly older stage rather than the baby stage (and I have 3 children) I think its a lot easier actually to do the whole thing again fairly quickly rather than move on, put the broken nights and nappies behind you, and then go back to it all.

if you really really want a third i wouldn't wait. you are much more likely to have fertility issues and not get pregnant aged 40 - even if you found it easy catching aged 35 with your daughter. fertility decilines at 35 but there is also a quicker decline at 37/38. saying that i know quite a few woman who had babies in their early 40's - but we consider themto be extra lucky.

I wouldn't worry about the age gap but I would worry about your declining fertility and much higher risks.

I wouldn't worry about the age gap, nor the increased risks (if you are prepared to have amnio/termination) however you might find your fertility has declined and it might no longer be possible. A mother at school is possibly in this situation.... just had a miscarriage at 40, she was totally devastated as they'd been TTC for over a year.

I guess it depends on how fussed you'd be if it wasn't possible.

BTW when I say the age gap, I don't mean whether or not the children will get along, because there are no guarantees there - you can have kids close in age who can't stand eachother, and kids far apart who adore eachother. I mean the gap in terms of how the family runs. In families I know with similar gaps (2 older, then one quite a bit younger) it sometimes seems hard for them to find activities/days out/hobbies which can be done altogether. Even a cinema trip is hard if you have two teens and then one young child. Of course, its quite possible to split up to do things, but it depends how important the 'whole family'activites are for you

We have 4, 3 close together and number4 7yrs later. We have enjoyed number 4 soooo much and the older guys adore the little one. The gap has been fab and much less tiring than the 3 close together. And the little one has wide horizons because he has the benefit of experiencing so much with the older ones and they get to revisit stuff they enjoyed when small. Win win situation!

our dd3 is 10 and 12 years younger than dd2 and dd1

she is adored.

never regretted it for a moment.

it did take several years to conceive her though as opposed to no time at all for dd1 and about 2 months for dd2- but thats what being 10 years older does for you.

had i realised that i may have tried earlier for dd3 and squeezed another in!

I had Dd2 at 40 shes my fourth Dc.My older kids were 12,11 and almost 10 when she was born.The biggest thing I noticed was the exhaustion, it was soooo much harder at 40 that at 30.I dont regret for a second having her but the difference in everything at 40 was incredible

Saying that though,I have enjoyed her so much more than I remember enjoying my other 3 when they were little.I have so much more patience cos its really like having an only child as the others were pretty self sufficient and not clingy needy etc

I now have an 18 year old a 17 year old and a 14 year old, all really great with her,love her to bits and spoil her rotten,shes also very out going and has no fear of large groups of older kids.Her school tells me shes way ahead of her grade and I put that down to hanging out with the older kids.

I think what Im trying to say is if you can deal with the exhaustion there are huge benefits to having a big gap between your kids and 40 isnt that old anyways.

I have big age gaps between my children (ds1 17 ds2 11 dd 20months) I was 37 when pregnant with dd and did have a 1 in 25 chance of Downs (didn't have the amnio, personal reasons) she's fine, much loved by her brothers and i'm glad (at times!) to have only one teenager in the house

I would do what ever feels right for you, you know the risks involved with later pregnancies, most pregnancies turn out with a happy ending

good luck

"I wouldn't worry about the age gap, nor the increased risks (if you are prepared to have amnio/termination)"

Wow, you remind me of someone who, after I had found out that I wasn't immune to rubella, told me before my second pregnancy that if I was unlucky enough to catch it whilst pregnant I could just have an abortion to save me from having a blind or deaf child. As it happened, I ended up having to make the heartbreaking decision to terminate that, and the next pregnancy due to fetal abnormalities which were caused by nothing more than bad luck and more importantly, my age. At this point I was 38/39. As well as this, I have had 4 miscarriages, more than likely for the same reason, 3 of them being this year - I am just about to turn 41.

I would say that if you want a third child and the thought of that not being the case makes you feel very sad then don't wait that long. I didn't meet my parter until I was 34 and I wanted to have known him for 2-3 years before deciding to have kids with him so I could be sure he was the one I would spend my life with. Now I'm not sure if we will ever be lucky enough to have a child.

The other thing you need to know is that if, when you decide to try for your third later on in your life and you have an "if it happens it happens and if not we'll be ok as we are" attitude, if you are unlucky enough to get pregnant and loose it that ethos will go completely out of the window. It will break your heart and you will be compelled to try again and again until you either get your happy ending or have to come to terms with a sad truth.

I'm sorry to give such a dark point of view but if you really want a third child then I think it's important to know that. Yes, it's true, a lot of people are lucky to have successful and problem free pregnancies in their late 30s and early to mid 40s but there are also a lot of us that aren't.

What AnyFucker said. I conceived DS1 within 4 weeks, and assumed DS2 would be a doddle.

I had trouble conceiving,it took me 3.5 years instead of the 9 months I'd imagined, and lost 3 unborn babies in between. I was only 39, a healthy non smoker,and almost teetotal. Nature won't wait- get on with it now.

A friend of mine has decided to wait until she is 43! Madness.