Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

When do you stop worrying about your kids? (sensitive)

51 replies

theevildead2 · 28/12/2010 13:01

I spent years worrying I wouldn't get pregnant the past 9 months worrying I might have something go wrong in my pregnancy, I'm scared somwthing will go wrong with the labour. What I've managed to convince myself though is that in 6 months time when the baby is a bit sturdier I won't be worried all the time about it.

Lately on the news there has been a really upsetting story about a woman going missing (her body has now been found)when her parents came on to ask about her whereabouts it really broke my heart and it brought it home that actually... I may never rest when this baby gets here.

So I was just wondering those of you with children/ and older children/ adult children do you ever sleep? Does it get less scary?

OP posts:

CoteDAzur · 28/12/2010 14:42

I'm almost 40 and my mother still worries about me. Tells me to wear a coat if she sees on TV that weather is cold where I live, and all that.

violethill · 28/12/2010 14:49

You never stop worrying, but like others say, the things you worry about change over the years.

The hardest thing as they get older is that you just have less control over what they do. You can give advice, guide them etc but ultimately, you are raising a child to become what you are yourself, ie an independent adult who makes their own decisions and shapes their own life.

Whenever the worries get really strong, its worth remembering that you are going to do more damage to your children by not allowing them to grow and become independent. Everything in life is a risk, if you stop and think about it. Its about trying to assess risk sensibly so that our children grow up with a sense of how to make good choices. But ultimately, you can't totally protect your children from everything, you just have to push the worries to back of your mind and get on with living

SummerRain · 28/12/2010 14:59

I found the worry increased when they started playschool/school as you no longer know where they are and what they're doing at all times.

You do get used to the constant fretting though. When they first let you leave the hospital with a brand new tiny person is the worst point as you can't believe that you're suddenly entirely responsible for the feeding, clothing, minding and washing of this miniature human or that they 'belong' to you for the rest of your life.

After they've broken a few bones and you've bought your 12 millionth box of plasters though you find that although you still worry it's more of a background emotion

oldandgreynow · 28/12/2010 16:04

your grave

RhinestoneReindeerHerder · 28/12/2010 16:12

I can remember thinking when pg for the first time that it would be a relief when the baby arrived as I could stop worrying... erm it didn't really turn out that way!

As people have said the worries change as they get older. My current worries are about DS being happy in reception and making friends. I know that my mum still worries about me and my brothers. The news story you refer to is in my home city, and it did get me in the gut :(

usualsuspect · 28/12/2010 16:15

You never stop worrying ..my ds18 is off out tonight and I've already asked him whos going how are you getting home etc

Summerfruit · 28/12/2010 16:16

Yes you never stop worrying, never. My mum calls me every day but she is an extreme case.

YuleTideD0G · 28/12/2010 16:17

You never stop worrying.

I am quite anxious, my mum lost a baby to sids and I feel like I'm not in the club that stuff doesn't happen to iyswim. I worry excessively though and I know that but I can't help it. Every little bug they get etc I'm convinced that they will die.

I hope it will improve in time. Though there is nothing wrong with being cautious imo

AnotherMumOnHere · 28/12/2010 16:23

I agree that it doesnt get easier the older they get (then go on to have their own) as then you have their offspring to worry about too and you worry about the pain your children will have if something happens to their children. It is an endless story but we wouldnt change it for the world.

I was once told to read a book something along the title of 'Women who love too much'. Cant remember the name exactly but it is along the lines of learning how to let children 'go'. I cant remember what I did with it now ............

LauLauLemon · 28/12/2010 16:47

My DD's are 2.6 and 1 month and I still check on DD1 once in the night and stay up all night with DD2. Like you, I worried about TTC, miscarriage, complications, complications during delivery and now I worry about SIDS. There is always fear and something to worry about but you have to separate the rational fear from the irrational.

I do everything I can to keep my girls healthy, happy, educated (pre-school education is a big thing to me and we incorporate it into our games and songs) and safe but I know I can't control everything and that alone worries me. It's a vicious cycle but one I am learning to silence and live with.

I couldn't imagine not being concerned for my girls, even when they're off to university/living with friends or partners etc. I think as parents we will always worry as long as there's something to worry over but as they get older, can fend for themselves a little more mentally and physically, can interact their needs and problems better etc you start to feel less apprehensive over every little thing.

There is always worry though. It's normal and part and parcel of being a parent.

ItsKurriiiistmas · 28/12/2010 17:37

I don't think you ever stop worrying, mine are in their twenties, and I still worry about them if they are late when coming to visit or if they are ill or anything like that.

But they live away from home so I don't concern myself with their minor day to day problems.

I also worry about my son's partner now because she's part of the family too - so it doesn't get any easier.

My mum is nearly ninety, and she still worries about me, especially if I am ill. (I am 51 but I'll always be her child)

Original poster

theevildead2 · 28/12/2010 17:44

Been away from thread as had to pop in to town, bit horrified to find my suspicians all true!

RhinestoneReindeerHerder I was suprised by how affected I was by the story!

OP posts:

sleepingsowell · 28/12/2010 17:54

I remember thinking when pregnant, that having a baby would sort my priorities and I would stop worrying over things like deadlines at work, public speaking or whatever.

Well ha ha how stupid and naive can you be. Those things STILL worry me, I just worry on a whole new LEVEL about DS!!!

I think that having a child does open you up to more worry and sheer terror than you ever thought. Someone described being a parent as like walking around with one of your internal organs, on the outside, and to me that's pretty much it. Having a child makes you vulnerable in a way you can't even bear to think of, to how you would feel if something ever happened to them.

I think it's been important to me to acknowledge that, and not to ignore it, because it has enabled me to rationalise my fears a bit; yes, I worry about DS and want him to be safe, but more than that I want him to reach his full potential, and to do that I must accept him being an individual and taking risks.

It's one of the hardest things to me, actually, of being a mum - that there is always the potential for this dreadful worry and pain.

Sorry if not a cheering post, but it's honest!

stillbobbysgirl · 28/12/2010 18:05

I think you start to worry when you pee on the stick, and you finally stop as you take your dying breath - its called being a mum and its for life .

itsawonderfuldarleneconnorlife · 28/12/2010 18:13

Mine are young now but I think I'd worry most when they are in their late teens/early 20s as this is when I'd most fear them to meet some horrific end, like being raped/tortured then left to die slowly or similar. At least with something like cot death (which I lived in constant fear of) you would know that they didn't suffer.

Southwestwhippet · 28/12/2010 18:41

My DD is only 10months so I am pretty new to the worrying but I know exactly what you mean. I was terrified through pregnancy that something would go wrong. When DD was newborn, I was overwhelmed with fear that something would happen to her.

But now she is a bonny, strapping, lively 10month old, I am calmer about things - I still worry but the desperate panic has gone. I think you learn to live with it and manage, it but at first it is very overwhelming.

ChoudeBruxelles · 28/12/2010 18:49

My mum said to me after I had DS, when I was worrying about something silly and wondering when I would stop doing that, that she will stop worrying the day she drops dead.

Welcome to the rest of your life. You do stop being quite so neurotic though (well I have anyway) as they get older. I'm happier now DS can tell me what's wrong rather than me having to guess every time he's ill.

Normanshormones · 28/12/2010 19:04

I'm so glad you started this thread, OP.

I can see now that my extended worrying (youngest DC is 28) is normal.

DD1 phoned me when she went into labour - I nearly passed out with the stress of it (she was fine btw).

You get through it somehow but it goes with the territory I'm afraid.

frozenfestiveflo · 28/12/2010 19:09

My girls are 24, 22 and 2 - I worry no less about the big ones than I do about the littly. Just about different things

2rebecca · 28/12/2010 21:57

I think worrying about minor things in life is a personality trait. The OP sounds as though she spends alot of time worrying about day to day stuff and that isn't normal. Whilst pregnant I occasionally worried about the pregnancy outcome, but it wasn't a frequent or severe worry. I rarely worry about my teenage kids unless they are in a pickle over something.
Some people do worry about the possibility of things going wrong in the future, rather than actual things that have gone wrong and that they need to sort out. The former is overzealous worrying in my opinion and I'd be getting cognitive therapy and/ or reading self help books if that sort of worrying was taking over my life.

monkeyjamtart · 28/12/2010 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueshoes · 28/12/2010 23:19

Agree with 2rebecca.

My dcs are 7 and 4. I don't really worry about them. They are doing fine IMO. If I had a spare moment, I am more likely to think about my work or tasks that have to be done. Of course, I am concerned about certain things in their lives, but only so I can assess whether I need to step in or not. Dh 'worries' even less.

My MIL said that if the phone rang in the middle of the night, she would be terrified it was the police calling about one of her children. Now that would not occur to me - I would just be annoyed.

My mind does not go round in endless loops of what-ifs. If that is the worry that occupies your mind, I think some therapy is in order.

SarahStrattonsBaubles · 28/12/2010 23:29

I was pregnant with DD1 when the Jamie Bulger story broke. I cried every day on the train as all round me were people reading about it in the newspapers.

ExH sat me down and explained that the reason it was front page in every paper was because things like that hardly ever happened. That helped alot, having it rationalised to me.

But you don't ever stop worrying about them. The worrying just becomes muted and rational. As blueshoes says, anything else is ott and needs addressing.

GiddyPickle · 28/12/2010 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scouserabroad · 28/12/2010 23:34

I try not to worry. I try to do everything I can to avoid problems (within reason!) The DDs have car seats, I hold their hands to cross the road, provide warm clothing when it's cold, get them vaccinated, warn them of the dangers of fire / bleach / deep water ... If I feel that I've done all I could I don't worry about random disasters. They are only young though, ask me again when they are teenagers getting up to God knows what!

I think I was influenced by my Mum who tends to actively worry about things like driving long distances, going abroad, etc. even now that I am 28 and my brother is only a bit younger. I really don't want worry to be a permanent feature in my life, unless there's a real, tangible reason for it.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread