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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

. .to be still pissed off with Ex for taking DS away ?

20 replies

maltesers · 28/12/2010 08:23

I have had our ski holiday booked since September and we are going on Sat 1st Jan. ME, DP and DS. (Ds lives with me all the time and sees his Dad most weekends.

My Ex booked a ski trip mid November to take DS skiing and just booked it without even checking with me first. (DS is a Chorister and was meant to be singing in church over Xmas) . I had little say in the matter and they went 19th -26th Dec.
Son was meant, as planned to spend xmas with dad this year; but I was at least hoping to see DS in church on xmas morning and give him a hug , etc. ..

DS is now back and had a fab time , but as i expected, yesterday he said , "I dont really want to go skiing next week ". . . . .
I know when it comes to it, he will be quite happy to ski again, and i cant wait to see how he has improved, but it makes me so cross that Ex keeps booking holidays without asking me first. He did it in the summer and he has done it again. No matter how many times i politely ask him to check with me first , he keeps on doing it..
GGRRRHHH!

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 28/12/2010 08:27

if ds was to be with ex in that time and so it didn't impinge on your time - then I wouldn't expect him to ask you.
If however it was additional time with ex, then I would expect him to ask.
I would be annoyed about the Choir thing, and expect that they are too? I would make this point to ex.

But being pissed off isn't related to the unreasonableness, or otherwise, of a situation - is is more a gut feeling.

Let it go - as you say ds will enjoy the skiing with you and has had a lovely time with his dad.

onceamai · 28/12/2010 08:28

If he does it for times when he is scheduled to have ds, why should you have any say over it? If he does it when he isn't scheduled to have ds, that's another matter.

mankymummymoo · 28/12/2010 08:28

Did Ex know you had booked these holidays in advance?

Original poster
maltesers · 28/12/2010 08:31

Yes Ex did know i had booked our ski trip with DS.
Plus, he knew DS SHOULD be singing in the choir this xmas. . . . thats the thoughless, selfish bit that annoys me.. . . .Not supporting DS with his Choir duties. Of course, if DS was in the 1st county football team. . .well, that would be another matter !!!!!

OP posts:
LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 28/12/2010 08:33

Do you ask your ex if you can take ds away?

Original poster
maltesers · 28/12/2010 08:39

I always consult my Ex to check with him about taking DS away abroad. . .if its local then i dont.
I have prime care and control. I dont need to ask my Ex as DS lives with me. We were not married so he has no care and control formal rights.

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 28/12/2010 08:45

if it was on his time than yabu

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 28/12/2010 08:49

You seem to begrudge your ex, using the word control just makes me think you dint like not being in control. You choose this man as the father of your child, he has rights with you believe it or not and that includes taking your son away. Do know what neither of you have as much right as your son does why shouldn't he go skiing with his dad, you seem only to be concerned with how it effects you.

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 28/12/2010 09:05

So, as I understand it, your ex had your child for the first half of the Christmas holidays and decided to do what suited him with that time.

you have your child for the next half and you are doign what suits you with that time.

Unfortunately, if you share custody in any way with an ex, it is up to them what they do with the time.

I don't think you have any right to impose restrictions on your ex as to what he can or cannot do when he has your child.

Sorry but YABU

(And for the record I am a single parent who shares custody with my ex on a 50/50 basis and yes I have been in your shoes and yes it sucks sometimes)

Original poster
maltesers · 28/12/2010 09:06

I can see your point Love ....Girl.
However, mayorquimby, Ds was meant to be on Chorister duties and local this xmas as this is what Ex lead me to believe. . .i was totally shocked when he said DS was going abroad. . .
In addition the Choirmaster was not too happy, which has put my son in a bad light there. . .
I left my Ex because of his self centred, and his physical aggressive behaviour towards me , . . . . is it any surprise than that i seriously begrudge the bastard !

OP posts:
monkeyflippers · 28/12/2010 09:21

I think it shows quite weird behaviour on EXs part to take your son skiing when he knows you are already doing so. It seems a bit malicious to be like he was trying to ruin your holiday.

twopeople · 28/12/2010 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MrsMooo · 28/12/2010 10:02

You begrudge him taking your DS on a holiday he enjoyed???

I can understand being a bit miffed, but I imagine your ex-h took him on a ski break as that'd be what he wanted to do/enjoys as opposed to some malevolent plot to ruin your holiday

As long as he is a good parent and cares for your DS then YABU I'm afraid, he can holiday wherever he likes in the pre-agreed time he has custody

BabyDubsEverywhere · 28/12/2010 10:16

you still havent answered people....was your ds on exh time or was it your time? is your holiday in your time, or will it use some of exh time.

And whatever went on between you two, hes still your ds father and your ds has a right to spend time with him, preferably doing enjoyable things....which he has so why are you so pissed off? If its just the choir thing...does you ds care about he choir, surely he would have said something if he did, kicked up a fuss about missing it maybe? or is he very young still? perhaps hes not that botherd with the choir anyway?

nymphadora · 28/12/2010 10:26

It says early on in the thread xh was having the ds for Xmas.

I had a similar issue a couple of years ago when xh took dds to Cornwall 2 weeks before we went. It was his time but I booked the holiday first & it wouldnt have been an issue to go somewhere else where as we were visiting dhs family there. This meant we ended up changing plans as we planned to visit lots of the same places and dds wouldn't have been interested 2nd time round. I got pissed off about it as it's a lot of money to spend & kids not enjoy it as much as they've already done it. Which I assume is the OPs problem. My xh didn't do it deliberately just didn't remember where the idea of going to Cornwall came from

anastaisia · 28/12/2010 10:28

If its a one off then I'd just try and let it go. It's a shame that your ex doesn't see you DS's planned activities as important; but from the sound of it DS is old enough to start to work those things out with him directly?

If its a pattern - that you plan things and ex swoops in to make them difficult then you perhaps need to think of things you might be able to do to prevent that happening.

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 28/12/2010 10:30

Imagine if the boot was on the other foot.

Imagine if the OP was on saying

"I took my son on a skiing holiday last week and my XH is complaining because he is taking him on a skiing holiday next week and he says I shouldn't have booked the same sort of holiday as him"

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 28/12/2010 10:35

And maybe your son isn't that keen on the choir and has elucidated that to his father and his dad saw a cheapy skiing break and thought well sure he's not that bothered about the choir, it's a cheap deal?

And he booked the holiday in the middle of November, which was plenty of time to let the choirmaster know - irritating, yes, but hardly the end of the world.

I think part of the problem here is that you had agreed for your son to spend Christmas with his Dad, as you say in your OP, but you had expectations about what would happen in that time.

"but I was at least hoping to see DS in church on xmas morning and give him a hug , etc. .. "

Unfortunately it didn't happen how you thought it should.

But at the end of the day, your son was looked after well, he had a great time. You didn't get to see him on Christmas Day at church? If it was that important to you, then you should've organised the shared care over the Christmas break differently.

HerBeatitude · 28/12/2010 10:35

I don't think yabu for being pissed off.

I would think ywbu if you said he doesn't have the right to do it.

I think with this as with so many things, it's not about people's rights to do things is it, it's about them being kind to each other and co-operative with each other. And everyone has the right to be unkind, unco-operative and a PITA. It's not unreasonable to feel a bit pissed off about that, it's just not worth dwelling on or mentioning it to him. Vent here, move on and accept that he's a competitive dad and will behave like this and there's nothing you can do about it. And enjoy your holiday!

Original poster
maltesers · 30/12/2010 18:05

Than ks for your input mnetters. . .i am inwardly digesting your opinions. . .
We may not be going skiing now as my Dad is in hospital and been there for 2 days now. . .he is 82, asthmatic and has a mild dose of the Norovirus (???) . . tum bug. . (?)
And with his breathing problems he grew very short of breath on Tuesday so we had to call an ambulance.
My sister came down the next day and my older DD2oyrs was with us too. . .he is on the mend today. . .and seems much brighter. . but who knows.

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