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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to use my dead neighbour's washing machine?

51 replies

OKComputer · 27/12/2010 17:02

I know this is weird, but my neighbour died last week. She was 95 and I was in and out of her house a fair bit over the past few months, helping her out and generally keeping an eye on her.

My washing machine has broken and we're running out of clean clothes. I also have a key to her empty house...

When I originally suggested it to DH (jokingly) we cringed. But then I wondered:
is it really unethical to use her washing machine for a couple of loads? Confused

OP posts:
MumNWLondon · 27/12/2010 17:11

If the sons know you have a key and you are supposed to look out then I think its ok.

MerrilyDefective · 27/12/2010 17:12

She may not have begrudged the use of her washing machine,in fact reading your last post she'd almost certainly would not have, but i think you leave yourself open to all sorts of accusations.

carriedaxmaspudding · 27/12/2010 17:15

as long as you ask next of kin

ChippingIn · 27/12/2010 17:16

OKC - how many of those people who you are worried about seeing you with your washing helped her when she needed help.

Her sons have thanked you for helping her and have asked you to keep a key for 'their' emergencies so I can't see why it would be wrong to use the machine for 'your' emergency.

I think it's a bit off people saying they wouldn't like you to use the machine it if was their parents - I hope they are the same people who are looking after their own elderly parents and not relying on the kindness of strangers to do so.

My Mum lives overseas, she has a great relationship with all her neighbours. She's not elderly and they all do each other favours and have keys etc IF anything happened to my Mum and any of them needed anything like this I would have NO problem with them helping themselves and it would be spectacularly hypocritcal if I did.

Original poster
OKComputer · 27/12/2010 17:16

I'd best leave it. If anyone thinks things have gone missing I'll be a prime suspect anyway, as one of two keyholders.

OP posts:
westlake · 27/12/2010 17:18

I would definitely use it but leave a note explaining your circumstances and that you have a key and that you will reimburse the costs etc. It is highly unlikely you will be asked for the money, but at least if anyone does enter the house and see your washing you have left an explanation and they can contact you immediately.
I really don't see it is a problem, and any relative should know you were helping her etc and therefore not taking liberties as the neighbour would have been happy to help.
If noone sees the note, no harm done.

strawberrycake · 27/12/2010 17:25

If it was my Grandmother I'd give you the machine. Her family are hardly going to cart it off to where they live and it's not a precious heirloom.

I see no strangeness in using it. I would though be very open about it and leave a note you had, stressing you often shared washing and you're quickly fixing your own.

AnnoyingOrange · 27/12/2010 17:26

Can't you hand wash a few things?

Or ask a friend or neighbour to borrow their machine?

Original poster
OKComputer · 27/12/2010 17:28

AnnoyingOrange, this sounds pathetic, but I'm on medication which makes my skin VERY dry do hand-washing's a problem. I've done a few bits through.

I have asked a neighbour and am taking a load around to her house in the morning.

I just thought that it would save the favour (is that a phrase??) if I could use the one that isn't in use next door instead.

Oh, I still don't know what to do!

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 27/12/2010 17:28

All of those asking about the money for water/electric (apart from the fact that it's incredibly tight to even be thinking about that) did any of you consider the fact that OKC had done most of her neighbours washing while she was alive as she couldn't cope herself. I am sure the OP has done other things that have cost her time/money so how can you even bring up the cost of a few loads of washing??

OKC - really, just do it.

Original poster
OKComputer · 27/12/2010 17:31

Thanks ChippingIn. If my neighbour was alive she would have been pleased to help, I think. I don't want to sound like a martyr because it was totally by choice, but I was always helping her out (cooking, shopping, cleaning, dog walking, little things like doing her hot water bottle and making her bed, taking her to the docs, library books etc, etc). However, none of this was for her sons who I presume now own the washing machine. I'd HATE to offend them too by using it when she's been dead for less than a week.

OP posts:
diddl · 27/12/2010 17:33

"so how can you even bring up the cost of a few loads of washing??"

Because the cost wouldn´t be paid for by the neighbour but would come out of the estate.

DontLetTinselDragOnTheFloor · 27/12/2010 17:33

i would only do it if the next of kin said it was OK. If I were the next of kin, I would let you... provided the electricity etc hadn't been disconnected. Hell, if I were the net of kin I'd probably say you could have the machine.

Punkatheart · 27/12/2010 17:34

You are a lovely kind helpful person...hope that life can soon reward you in better ways than your washing machine breaking.

I am sure your elderly friend would wish the same.

XX

violethill · 27/12/2010 17:35

I think you've made the right decision.

I would have said fine if you have permission, but obviously it wouldn't be an easy thing to start asking just after a death, and also you say you don't have the contact details.

It's not a question of whether its 'immoral' or whether you should reimburse for electricity, or what other neighbours might think if they saw you popping in with your washing. It's purely about the fact that now the neighbour has died, she can't invite you in, so you really should only go in with permission from the next of kin. Just a matter of doing things properly.

BTW you sound like a lovely neighbour, and I'm equally sure the old lady herself wouldn't begrudge you use of it - but again, thats not the point - the house is now part of her estate and just as a matter of principle its right to not go in without permission

DontLetTinselDragOnTheFloor · 27/12/2010 17:35

"so how can you even bring up the cost of a few loads of washing??"

Because it woud be stealing to ignore it. Whether or not the OP has freely given her own power/time/whatever to help her neighbour when she was alive, you cant just go taking things without asking, even if it is something like electricity.

Original poster
OKComputer · 27/12/2010 17:36

Punkatheart, if only you knew me realy >evil cackle

OP posts:
MerrilyDefective · 27/12/2010 17:37

Chippingin...i really don't disagree with you,i would also let a trusted friend/neighbour use,even take the bloody machine,especially if i knew them but i think if you don't know the family then you could be in for trouble.
Surely if her sons have been in touch to ask you to keep a key then you could find out where they are,failing that why not let the other keyholder know you're using it?

Original poster
OKComputer · 27/12/2010 17:39

Yep, I'll leave it. Luckily my other neighbour permitted me to do a load in hers in the morning. I have a toilet-training DD, with some 'accident' clothes, that I really need to wash.

Thanks all for your input. I was afraid that I'd be flamed for insensitivity. I appreciate that it could come across as so.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 27/12/2010 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Balthasar · 27/12/2010 17:40

The house now belongs to her sons, since the lady has died. Legally you'd be trespassing to enter the property without good reason. I think you've made the right decision as although the house did belong to your neighbour, it now belongs to strangers. It would look terrible for you to be going in there.

Original poster
OKComputer · 27/12/2010 17:41

MerrilyDefective, the other key holder is a friend of hers who I've never met and apparently lives in a nearby town. I can't contact her or her sons. They have my number but I don't have theirs, unfortunately. It was a problem when she was very ill actually, as I couldn't call them. Fortunately the authorities traced them and contacted them.

OP posts:
emsyj · 27/12/2010 17:42

I would knock on another neighbour's door and ask to use their machine. Our neighbour is currently without a kitchen as they are doing building work and we have no problem with them popping over to put a wash on or heat up their dinner in the oven (they ave a stove but no oven).

If her machine is decent then just ask if you can buy it. They might say, oh just have it, or may ask you for fifty quid or whatever. If the relatives are some distance away they may well not care if you have it, but of course you should ask first.

Original poster
OKComputer · 27/12/2010 17:44

By the way, one of her sons told me to keep my key in case of emergencies, such as burst pipes etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
OKComputer · 27/12/2010 17:45

emsyj, yep another neighbour has said I can do a load in hers, so that's a life-saver!

OP posts:
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