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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried to tell people I'm pregnant with. No 3

45 replies

mummaxmas · 27/12/2010 15:29

I'm really worried to tell people, well my parents really, that I'm pregnant with baby no 3. I'm married with 2 boys 3 & 4 own our own home and financially stable, so I don't know why it's bothering me quite so much. When I told my mum we were planning she went crazy and said i was selfish and it would damage my children, I got over that, but now I'm pregnant I'm scared I'm a disappointment. I think I'm worried about her reaction and it making me doubt myself as a mother. Please help !

OP posts:

cornonthecob · 27/12/2010 18:33

reading this thread it has made me think how easily we allow other peoples comments sting us if it doesnt come with approval. well yabu to be worried as its your life, you are an adult so sod what people think and enjoy your pregnancy! congrats! (runs off to contemplate ttc #3)

oldandgreynow · 27/12/2010 18:34

I think your mum is just worried for you.However old we get they still worry.It'sone thing to discourage you from a 3rd when you're talking hypothetically but now it's a fait accomplis I'm sure she will be pleased.

wombella · 27/12/2010 18:38

Sad that your mum can't respect your decision. Having three is hard work but I am delighted with mine especially as MY number three was a girl!

itsawonderfuldarleneconnorlife · 27/12/2010 18:50

I can imagine how you feel. We are (in theory) ttc no.3 and I know my Mum's reasction will be negative. She though I was mad to have 2! (I was an only)

I just didnt tell her until I was 5 months so I could avoid the issue for as long as possible.

When your time comes just try to ignore her- she isn't worth it.

northerngirl41 · 27/12/2010 19:32

From a devil's advocate point of view, a lot of people object to having more than two children because it's overpopulating the planet (you're effectively not replacing just yourselves but adding to it). And as one of three myself, there is always the odd one out - they don't all play together as you might assume - and that affects the other two. Is she worried about your finances as well, would some of the kids have to share a room for example?

The reason I'm pointing this out is that if you can pinpoint what her issue is, then it's easier to head her off at the pass.

lovechoc · 27/12/2010 19:50

i agree with the points made by northerngirl41 but YANBU OP to do as you please.

It is easier to be objective when you are on the outside looking in...

kitkey · 27/12/2010 19:54

OMG - you could be talking about my mum and MIL. I have 2 boys aged 3 and 1 and tried for my DC3 and fell pregnant in october. They were both annoyed that I was pregnant again and made lots of negative comments so that I felt like a bad mother and spent 4 weeks questioning how I would cope as they made me feel in a panic. At 8 weeks I had a miscarriage - never got any sympathy from either of them - although it was never said I get the impression that they felt it was for the best - my mum said not to try again too "soon". I could kick myself for telling her about the pregnancy as I was not as excited after I told her and now I feel like I in some way tempted the miscarriage by allowing her comments to get to me. I am trying again now and hopefully I haven't lost my chance for DC3 and I will be lucky again I WILL NOT tell anyone until they notice. These negative snide people do not have the right to join in and ruin the excitement for you so I agree with others not to tell her yet - Yes you would tell her early if she would be excited for you but not if she is going to ruin your pregnancy in the uncertain worrying weeks. Good luck and enjoy

beachholiday · 27/12/2010 20:15

I would give her a very strong prompt when you tell - "we have some fantastic news, we're expecting!!" etc.

Dont give her any room to make it a negative event - especially for your children's sake.

And if she goes ahead with being negative anyway, i wouldnt indulge her with asking why, I'd use the "Im very shocked and hurt you would react in this way to what is such a happy event for all of us..." technique.

How many children did your mother have by the way?

Original poster

mummaxmas · 27/12/2010 20:57

Thanks everyone, cant believe I'm not the only one who's felt this way! It's really cheered me up reading everyones comments!

OP posts:

Original poster

mummaxmas · 27/12/2010 21:03

Sorry to hear your sad news kitkey, hope you get your dream soon. I know if I tell her I will feel the same if she gives me negative comments, it makes you question yourself and what's happening, so I will wait till after the scan now I think.
But of course your loss is not down to your worry or thoughts, so I hope you don't feel it to much. Some things are just not meant to be :(

OP posts:

Original poster

mummaxmas · 27/12/2010 21:07

My mum had 2 children, me and my sister and we are 11 years apart, so very different to my boys 15 months apart. ! We don't really on them for anything , occasional baby sitting only if she offers.
When I do tell will go with the forced positive approach, I like the idea of that one thank you :)

OP posts:

itsawonderfuldarleneconnorlife · 27/12/2010 21:15

northerngirl- the replacement rate is actually more than 2. Some people need to have 3+ to make up for the childless/only child families and children who die before adulthood.

beachholiday · 27/12/2010 21:22

Maybe your Mum has some sort of issue with you having more children than her. Doesnt excuse her making you feel bad anyway.

Either way, I wouldnt really dignify her reaction with an attempt to understand atm. Focus on your new child and hopefully the lack of any sympathy towards her position will gradually lead to a rethink on her part - she's unlikely to find much agreement from anyone for such an unkind attitude.

Madinitials · 27/12/2010 22:18

Congratulations!! Ignore your mom, it's your and your DH's decision not hers.

I'm pregnant with DC2, DD will be 17 months when DC2 arrives. My mom told me "you only regret the children you don't have not the ones you have" and since I'm 38, told me not to wait too long if we decide on no 3. PIL think DC2 is too soon and we'll never cope - thanks a lot!!

bessie26 · 27/12/2010 23:00

Congratulations!!

Defo put a positive spin on it when you tell her, and if she says something negative either let it go over your head, or take the piss out of her for being a Grumpy Old Woman!
My mum has a habit of saying non-positive things at times like these (when i told her DH & i were getting married, she asked Why?) but not out of any kind of malice, just because she worries too much and can't stop herself saying it out loud!

swanandduck · 27/12/2010 23:08

Your mother sounds like a loon. 3 children is hardly unusual or a humungously big family.

kelly2525 · 28/12/2010 01:23

Try having to tell her that youre pregnant by the mechanic you met a few weeks ago when you took your car in to be fixed

Thats what I had to do 7 months ago, the conversation went something like this

Me, erm, Ive got something to tell you

Mother, oh god I dont like the sound of that, are you in debt???

Me, I think Im pregnant

Mother, (cant speak for tears)

Me, oh and by, "I think Im pregnant", I mean, Ive done 10 tests and they were all positive, and so was the blood test off the doctor

Mother, HOW THE HELL DID IT HAPPEN, YOURE 35 FOR GODS SAKE AND OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER AND, YOU DONT LIKE CHILDREN

Me, I better learn to like them then eh?

Naturally he ran faster than the speed of light, you shouldve seen the sparks flying out of his trainers

Ive now got a very over excited very supportive grandma to be, who is the only woman in the world expecting a grandchild

tadventjennyp · 28/12/2010 02:45

Congratulations maxmas and kelly. I'm sure you'll both be fantastic. Best of luck kitkey. [Pregnant with no 3 and scared to death of how I will cope in 6 weeks emoticon]

hopingforfour · 28/12/2010 03:06

I am youngest of five and I love it. I want a big family myself. Congrats...I think its lovely that you are pg with third.
Phooey on your Mum.

Horopu · 28/12/2010 09:23

I dreaded telling our family about my third child. So we emailed them from Chile! Gave eveyone time to get used to the idea This may be a bit drastic for you though.

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