New Years Resolution of not worrying about MIL's feelings

[JandT]

When she doesn't care about DH or mine?

Yesterday we had DS's christening and MIL had offered we could hold the 'party' after at her house as it's local and also big/small enough for our guests. We agreed and she offered to do bits of food but we said thank you very much, we don't want you having the added stress but could you do the cheeseboard please as they enjoy doing that and it's just shopping.

After the service I did the last few jobs (mixing salads with dressings etc) whilst they were offering drinks etc, and left it all on the table.

Went into the living room to be look after DS, 10 mins later DH came in and said plates and cutlery were ready, we could all eat. When I got there, all sorts of other food had been added. So although what we'd done was a meal and all went together nicely, there were now salads, snacks, sweets etc which were all a bit odd and out of place. What made me feel better was no-one really took what she'd done (she hadn't made enough for everyone anyway) but MIL and thus dutiful FIL didn't take any of the food we had made.

AIBU to be annoyed that MIL would ignore the fact I was doing the food and 'add' her own bits? AIBU to be annoyed she would ignore the food provided and rudely eat what she wanted? I am very grateful that they had it at their house, very grateful that she wants to help, I understand it can't be all on my terms but I feel insulted that she would ignore my feelings (and for that matter DH's) to do what she wanted either because she couldn't handle it wasn't her who had done it all or, because she didn't want to go along with the plan (something she seems to have issues with).

How are things on general - do you feel like thus with them on other occasions?

Was she not trying to help?

Honestly I think you're being decidedly U. She held the party at her house, she probably felt bad about not having provided much and so added some more things....I've done this myself.

I tend to be very nice and open/welcoming with them as I know it isn't always and easy relationship so try to 'excuse' if that's the right word, her behaviour. She has been known to tell DSS that he's dirty and bath him when he's there (he wasn't and even if he was it's incredibly rude), buy DSS things telling him we can't afford it (which although we're not rich we can afford to buy what our children like within reason), took DSS to get his photos of DS developed as she wanted to show DH's family photos and then didn't give DSS the photos or DS back but gave him the ones of him, there's a whole history. I usually rant at DH (or vice versa!) when DSS isn't about then calm down. I've never shown I'm annoyed and try to rise above it. DH did speak to her about when DSS used to stay there and they'd keep him up late and then we'd have the whole weekend with him being awful and even falling over he was so tired. He only spoke to her though after they put him to bed on time when they were taking him out the next day...

There's a whole litany of the past 3 years and DH tells me she was the same to his first wife.

I understand she might have been trying to help but I'd told her it was fine, even listing what we'd done and for how many people and I feel she was bloody rude to pointedly not eat what we had provided.

As for providing, we'd discussed it all with her, she'd been flapping for weeks about the house so we told her we didn't want her having added pressure. Surely she should appreciate that?!

Yes - I absolutely agree with you OP. You need to practice caring less.

YABU. She offered to hold a party at her house then contributed to the food? What a bitch.

YABU. I would do what your MIL had done, and add some more bits. I actually feel quite sad for her. She probably thought she was doing something nice.

On the surface, YABU, as if you take the incident for what it was, you have a very helpful MIL who not only offered to host the party for you, but also provided some extras.

However, if she is generally controlling, disrespectful and disapproving, YANBU.

Difficult, if not impossible, to call her out on this one though.

Back story is a bit off, but food seems ok to me. She doesnt think much of what you prepare, you don't think much of her contribution. Shes made/bought things she likes and therefore ate the things she had prepared. I think she was trying to be helpful, sorry

You need to stop caring so much.

These all, frankly, sound like very, very petty things to get exercised about.

Yabvvu

she was trying to be helpful IMO