To think that you can still have nice things if you have children?

[Unrulysanta]

A friend is very kindly buying us some chairs for our dining room. They are kind of a present from him and his partner who was a lifelong friend of our family and who died last year. :(

After looking for ages for something we love (as we'll have them forever) dh and I have found some lovely fabric covered chairs. We were looking for wood because we have dd (not quite crawling) and plan to have more dcs and we don't want to spend their childhoods saying 'watch that felt tip' 'look what you've done'etc etc but we love these chairs.

AIBU to think we can get through childhood relatively unscathed and reupholster at the other end? We're quite hardwearing on things anyway but I sort of think I'd rather have nice things which are a bit battered than not. Or am I in for a huge shock?

Depends how gutted you're going to be if they scribble on them.

Some children are mindlessly destructive (Note - mindlessly, not maliciously) and some children wouldn't DREAM of drawing on/dismantling/taking a pair of scissors to anything except paper.

But you don't know what you've got yet, so it's a gamble.

Depends on your attitude.

If you're someone who will get very upset by (inevitable) child-damage then buy things you don't care about.

If you don't mind nice things getting a bit bashed, then buy what you want.

I'd rather have battered items that I liked than stuff which is blank, utilitarian or just not my style.I also tend to get a lot of second-hand furniture so it's not like I've spent huge amounts of money on it.

people who insist that children can easily be taught 'not to touch' or 'to leave alone' or 'not to climb' have docile children.

i have had Ds1 handed back to me at the end of a school day by the TA, who said "Woooo! He's into everything isn't he!" - yet amongst my mummy friends, I am the big bad No. I am the one who watches like a hawk. I am the one who supervises and corrects and follows, and bans certain things to certain areas at certain times.

They are born with their own personailites. It's not all programmed in.

To some extent it depends on the child. My 4yo has never been particularly destructive. My 2yo is a monster! I am very strict, operate zero tollerance on vandalism, keep all pens out of reach, watch him etc etc, and he is still capable of stamping a pot of chocolate mousse into the carpet while I am destracted cleaning up the sudocreme he wiped on the curtains. I still don,t know where he got the mousse from.

Get the nice chairs. Not having nice things 'just in case' would be a depressing way to live.

I also have to point out, even with older children, don't be so sure they won't touch.
My 8 yr old put paint on the chair, just because.
Same child squirted shower gel everywhere.
She was a dream baby and toddler, more work now.

I agree about getting what you like. You can't put your life on hold for the next 20 years until DCs leave home and you can get nice things at last.

thank you coldtits and youno for that...was waiting for some one else to chip in to say its NOT THAT easy to "train" or "Teach" kids not to be destructive.

I was the type of mum you describe yourself to be youno. Personality has a HUGE part to play.
Thanks!!

Are they chairs that will be used daily by your DD / subsequent DC?

I just ask because our kitchen chairs are wooden with a fabric-covered padded seat and the fabric gets covered in food stains pretty quickly, even though our DC are good at eating "cleanly". However it is really easy to replace the fabric using a staple gun! The wood is fine - just needs the odd wipe.

I have lots of lovely things. Ds was taught from a young age to respect things. I could take him to anyone's home and know he would be careful. I didn't even put candles out of reach, he was told not to touch and he didn't.

My mother advised me not to do the whole 'putting the ornaments out of reach' thing as they just treat the whole house as a plaything. It encourages them to bulldoze.

Have your lovely chairs.

We were lodgers until 3 months ago and the furniture in the living areas wasn't ours so the DDs just had to respect it. We now rent a beautifully decorated house, and likewise, they just can't damage other people's stuff! Obviously accidents happen, but I would go mental if they were jumping on furniture etc. The times I've caught them being disrespectful with the house they've done serious time on the step.

I really think that the question is whether you want the chairs enough to be willing to police them until everyone knows the rules. Doesn't take long. We had a mangy old sofa for a few months we didn't care about and treated it accordingly. We now have new ones and after 3 weeks, no one needs telling. But I did spend 3 weeks saying "not on the sofa" pretty much exclusively.

you see i did all that! (from a teany tiny young age) To no avail, honestly it was like his curiosity was absolutely crushing him, he HAD to touch and to handle things.
Saying No over and over and over and over then moving things then putitng on naughty step then taking things off him, then putting him in his room, then even smacking him, shouting, stern voice, asking nicely TELLING him, warning him....
nothing, absolutely NOTHING worked.
even now, he is the most curious kid i know, facinated by how things are put together and how things work...its just his personality.

To be fair brokeoven I think I got lucky, he has a very calm nature . I had to drum certain things into him as a baby as we were living in a building site with workmen everywhere and holes in the floor. It stood us in good stead though.

Haven't read the whole thread...but a couple of points to make:

1. You can teach children to respect stuff but there are some children who really are very difficult to teach this to and it is hard to tell if yours will be one. My friend has a 3yo and the things he trashes are shocking.

2. Even if you teach your child to respect stuff (largely my 4yo and 2yo respect things), you may have visiting children and they can do so much damage.

So on balance, you have nice things IF you are prepared for them to potentially get ruined. Personally, I have cheap-moderate stuff in my house so that there is nothing that will really break the bank/upset me if it gets ruined. Actually, I got most upset about a visiting child breaking one of DS's toys . The other mother won't always stop her child damaging your stuff so beware!!

You are lucky, my nephew is like that, tell him once not to touch and he will not touch, even when left alone, he wont touch.

Its not a "lack of respect" thing becuase i would say that genuinely these kinds of kids are not disrespectful horrors, they are just not blessed with a demure and quiet nature.

Me & dh are very quiet folk, our house is peaceful, but ds is and always has been a handful.

If you do not have a child like this i dont think that you could possibly get it.
we are not crap parents who cant control our kids and let them trash our homes, it just that they require tons of attention to prevent damage iyswim.

Thanks for all of this advice :) I suppose one of the considerations is that I don't have much of a choice as my friend has offered now and if this is a 'last gift' from my very dear family friend we won't be getting rid of them :)

I think on balance we should buy them and accept some marks as them being well-loved :) (while trying to instill a sense of respect and responsibility and hiding the ketchup)

You can reduce the risks by supervising messy play and putting pens and paints out of reach afterwards.

Also always eat at the table not on sofa or wandering about.

I have never had any problems, but dinning chairs were the worst hit, though always by accident, I had them covered in leather as got fed up the cleaning.