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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to try and help repair the rift between DMum and DSis?

20 replies

NotAnotherNewNappy · 23/12/2010 16:11

DMum and DSis had a huge falling out at the beginning of December and are still not talking to each other.

I don?t quite know how it happened. DM had gone to babysit for DSis during the snow and turned up a bit harassed after skidding on the ice. DSis somehow took this as DM not wanting to babysit and exploded, calling DM selfish etc. DM retaliated by saying that she never wanted to speak to or see DSis ever again Xmas Sad

Now DM is in a right state. Dad called the other night to say she won?t get out of bed in the morning and I think she is actually clinically depressed. She is still saying she doesn?t want to see my sister and cannot understand how DSis could have said that she is selfish. Meanwhile, DSis is merrily carrying on as if nothing has happened and has emailed my mum to say that she?s ?pathetic? and should have gotten over it by now Xmas Shock

With Christmas coming up I now feel like its reaching crisis point. Is it fair for me to carry on ignoring the situation every time I speak to my sister, even though I know my mum is so cut up about it all?

OP posts:
curlymama · 23/12/2010 16:13

I don't think it's up to you to say anything to your sister, but you could maybe give your Mum some extra love and attention.

Original poster
NotAnotherNewNappy · 23/12/2010 16:14

Sorry about all the question marks - I cut and pasted to check my appauling sp Xmas Blush

OP posts:
orangepoo · 23/12/2010 16:19

I think you should try and repair this. It seems like a minor ish problem where first of all your sister was rude and ungrateful and your mum followed with a massive overreaction. Perhaps you should ask you sister exactly what happened and why she got cross with your mum? It starts off as a minor problem and can turn into a major rift lasting years. That would be awful.

Punkatheart · 23/12/2010 16:19

I disagree - sorry curlymama. I have been in this situation and I always act as mediator. If the whole thing isn't mediated, the wounds can become very deep. Your sister sounds quite a harsh person and needs to know that this is serious. Also, if it is clinical depression as opposed to reactive - your mother should get some help.

Is your sister the approachable type?

JamieLeeCurtis · 23/12/2010 16:23

Thinking your mum may have already been feeling quite vulnerable, the depression may have started before this event, which then served to make it worse.

I am very torn about how to help. Your DSis sounds very malicious, but then I don't now anything about their previous relationship

thatsnotmymonkey · 23/12/2010 16:27

I would get involved as it is close family and you could be a good mediator in this. I have done the same with my brother and mum. It took a year, but now they are talking. Both stubborn as mules!

Original poster
NotAnotherNewNappy · 23/12/2010 16:32

DM retired last year and has been feeling a bit low about not having a role in life. So yes, I think she was vulnerable before the fight.

DSis, as much as I love her, can be a horrible cow. However, she has a huge chip on her shoulder about me being the favourite and recieving more love and support from my parents than she does. She is probably right - but that's because I am more likely to ask for their help and am grateful for it when it is given!

That said my mum can be nasty when pushed too. One of the things I find most upsetting and I am angry with both of them about is that they had this fight in front of my 3yo nephew, despite BIL asking them to stop.

I am scared that if I bring it up with my sister it will turn into an argument between us. DSis is the type of person who cares much more about who is right than who is the most emotionally vulnerable - IYKWIM?

OP posts:
HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 23/12/2010 16:35

I would stay out of it.

If you try to sort things like this out, you find you end up with folks turning on you.

Just give them lots of tlc and don't take sides.

The last thing you want is to be caught in the middle of this. You'll end up enemy of both!

diddl · 23/12/2010 17:07

I think that you have to stay out of it if you weren´t there & don´t know exactly what happened tbh.

How did your mum arriving harassed turn into her not wanting to babysit for example?

Does your sister ask & get refused.

I have to say if they do favour you then I think I can understand your sister.

luciadilammermoor · 23/12/2010 18:13

I'm in a similar position in RL, but I'm your sister (not really, mine doesn't have children & the 'rift' began 2 years ago).

I would say stay well out of it, let the two of them work it out between themselves. In all honesty, if your parents favour you & help you more, I can quite understand the over-reaction of your DSis. It probably isn't justified, but will be born out of a feeling of 'they always help her more, I rarely ask for anything & here we go, a silly reason is presented why helping me is a problem for them etc etc'.

There's history in the relationship there, your parents probably find it easier to relate to you, so they are more willing to help out or they just like you more. It happens.

However, your DSis is aware of this & it hurts. She will have built up a thick skin of dealing with the different attitudes & may not ask for help as often as she may expect it to be denied & when this happens, she may feel 'there you go, always the same' & then over-react.

It's not great, really, but it stems from the differing relationship your parents have chosen to have with their children.

WriterofDreams · 23/12/2010 18:33

Only you know the likely outcome of you intervening. If the two people involved in a fight are generally reasonable and the situation is a genuine misunderstanding then it is a good idea to get involved as you might easily be able to get them to see each other's point of view. But, in this situation, it sounds like there is a long history of bad feeling and it likely that if you get involved you will get caught up in all that. It might be worth talking to each one of them separately about what happened to see if there's any way to get them to see eye to eye, but tread carefully as this isn't your fight and there's no point in bringing their wrath down on yourself if there's no way of resolving it.

Mahraih · 23/12/2010 18:56

Difficult one ... it depends whether you getting involved will result in them dragging you into it or not, and it's difficult not to get involved when this kind of thing happens.

Perhaps talk to each of them separately and simply remind them of all the great times they've had together, rather than focussing on this silly falling out.

mouldycheese · 23/12/2010 19:03

Difficult to know what really happened.

Do you generally get a lot more help than your sister does? What do you mean by your Mum turned up a bit harassed? Was it "oh dear, I slipped in the snow and I'm upset" or was it "you made me slip on the snow dragging me out to babysit for you" when she hardly ever babysits for her but does for you?

SantasENormaSnob · 23/12/2010 19:13

If your parents are blatant in their favouritism of you then I can totally see your sisters point.

werewolf · 23/12/2010 19:17

Can't your dad mediate?

Or get your mum to see the GP?

Original poster
NotAnotherNewNappy · 23/12/2010 21:19

Thanks everyone for replying. As many of you have pointed out, I am worried that if I say anything this will turn into an argument between me and DS.

I get more help as DM has DD for one day a week while I go to work. BIL works shifts so they cover childcare between them. Also, they are better off, live further away and my sister's PIL are much more helpful than mine - all factors why my parents help us more.

DM jumps at the chance to babysit my nephew when they want nights out etc. However, DS does tend to get irritated with DM over little things and they often argue.

I have no idea what my mum was like when she turned up at my sister's. The row kicked off when she asked to borrow a dustpan to clear the snow to park her car, my sister was worried she'd break it. Farcical really.

I would normally mediate, my dad has tried and failed. I suggested to DM that she talk to her GP and even call the samaritans. Unfortunately she is from the 'muddle through it' school of dealing with depression.

DS seems to have become a bit manic, 'look how happy I am and how perfect my Xmas is going to be' etc

DM just said she's going to go to DS's tomorrow, to drop off nephew's Xmas presents. However, doesn't want to go in or talk to my sister and wasn't even going to tell her that she was on her way Xmas Hmm

OP posts:
mouldycheese · 23/12/2010 21:22

It all sounds quite ridiculous really.

I get the impression that you're on your Mum's 'side', but honestly, refusing to speak to her own child and taking to her bed over an argument over a dustpan and brush? I'm not surprised your DSis wants it to all blowover.

Is your Mum usually a drama queen?

Original poster
NotAnotherNewNappy · 23/12/2010 21:26

You've hit the spot there mouldycheese - they are both drama queens Xmas Wink

To be honest, I am disgusted with both of them.

OP posts:
diddl · 23/12/2010 22:47

Well it does sound ridiculous.

But a dustpan to clear snowConfused

needafootmassage · 24/12/2010 06:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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